10 Weird Signs I Want To Bone You
  1. I ignore you at parties but stare at you from across the room for hours at a time. Never moving, never wavering- like a sturdy rock in a sea of blazers and well-intentioned but unattractive hats. My goal is to summon you over with my mind powers that I have collected from the Eye of Sauron and Will.I.am’s hologram. I will not talk to you because rocks can’t speak. Rock. The Rock. Kid Rock. Love me.
  2. I talk to the friend directly next to you but stare at you instead. I will speak twice the volume while I say something hilarious like maybe a topical joke about how I would want to have sex with you. LOL, I mean discussions of Charlie Sheen and the Celtics. You never notice but News Flash: I am not listening to what this guy is saying. I am picturing us doin’ it on maybe a revolving bed. Justin Bieber is in the corner singing an acoustic cover of “Genie in a Bottle.” I am wearing an alpine lace swiss cheese teddy and when we both climax, Gob Bluth comes out blasting “The Final Countdown” while doves cry. I’m not a virgin, I swear it!
  3. I like one of your Facebook statuses and spend six to twelve hours thinking of something hilarious to write on said status. Okay, well YOU don’t really know that I do that, but I do. I can’t really think of anything to say so I just timidly like it so you know that I like all of the things you say as well as the idea of my face in your crotch. I can’t look your pictures in the eyeball, for fear of you knowing. Thanks Zuckerberg, for making us all such passive-aggressive sheep! Good luck at the Oscars?! I wonder if people say that to you.
  4. I see your ex-girlfriend on the street and stab her to death with an icicle or maybe filet her with the butterfly knife I used to make a nice goat cheese stuffed chicken breast earlier this afternoon. Either that, or I just stare at her and decide that she looks like a dumb fucking fuck face because she wears pink or laughs at something or just generally breathes. Then I try to get the bitchy girl that we both know to tell me something gossipy about her like one time she threw up in a ficus or volunteers at the ASPCA. By hook or by crook she will BURN.
  5. I think about you more than my hot celeb crush, who would totally LIKE me if he just KNEW me. Really. We both like (band) or (color) or (his movies).
  6. I drink too much wine alone in my room at night and end up listening to lots of Radiohead or Cee-Lo Green’s “Old-Fashioned.” Then all of a sudden I’m imagining romantic running through field montages with the two of us as the brightest of stars! I am wearing such a lovely flowy dress. I am as powerful as Sabrina the Teenaged Witch but I would NEVER fuck it up like she did, only make new outfits and spaghetti appear. Our cat that we bought together, the beloved and immortal Mr. Felix, runs next to us wearing a top hat as he is the top cat. It is raining Netflix DVDs and fettucine alfredo. The world is in love with love!
  7. I NEVER LET GO. Not pointing fingers, but maybe some bitch Rose on the Titanic is a lying ass c*nt who needed to move the fuck over on that door and let the best looking Leo of our time not freeze and die. I kind of get where she was coming from, though. She just met the guy jeez let’s not move too fast I only save your life after a couple of dinners you buy me and you seem to be a PAUPER. I guess this joke would maybe have worked better 10 years ago (not IMDBing, just a guess) but movies aren’t made that way anymore. Mostly because there are no more acceptable-to-capitalize-on disasters at the moment to make big-budget love stories about. What can I say to be topical now? I’d like to Black Swan you to crazy hot lesbian town/town with an impressive set of dance skills but an impressive lack of sanity?
  8. When I know I will see you, I make the attempt to put on makeup really nicely. Instead, I smear my eyeliner and scream for twenty minutes till the devil fears me. I have no time to wash my face because I am late, having got involved with you-tubing cat flumes and other important matters at hand. Instead, I just say ‘fuck it’ and put on the nice outfit I think looks nice and you haven’t seen me wear yet. However, today it makes me look like a sausage link of bloat-town. I put a curse on all of the houses. I shave my things, anyway, just in case.
  9. When we are talking, I perhaps lick my lips not unlike a dog does after eating leftover cold cuts. I run my hands along my chest and I guess all the nervous touching leaves a rash on my chest. I try to drink you into liking me by saying ‘OH HAVE ANOTHER DRINK’ and make you drink more because for some reason I think this is my IN, BRO. 
  10. I never, ever, ever tell you. EVER. NEVER.
  1. youremindmeofhomethanks reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    HAHHAAHH this is my life all last year….
  2. malloryvee reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    for it. Anyways,...was reading old blogs from The Frenemy,
  3. crazyorawesome reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    Please see 1, 2, 3, 5, 9 and 10. I’m all kinds of messed up.
  4. miramadness reblogged this from thefrenemy
  5. karliecol reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    pretty sure someone’s been stalking...socially awkward penguin.
  6. sadie0101 reblogged this from thefrenemy
  7. wastetheafterlife reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    All of this.
  8. thedeadpresident reblogged this from thefrenemy
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  14. thefrenemy posted this