Lady Fieri’s FukTown Bar&Grill

In honor of this, I’m opening up my own restaurant:

Grill’s Night Out:
Served on a giant platter of clothing you tried on but decided not to wear tonight, this classic treat is a must-have for you and your friends. It’s just a small piece of grilled chicken squirted with truffle sauce mayo and garnished with pieces of lettuce to make us all feel better. Truffles! Look at all the truffles! You can get it on the side if your friend Keira is just gonna be that way about it. Jesus. It’s fine. We’ll get it on the side! But no, you can’t get it fat-free. Like, you’re out for one night and we all got together for this to just have fun and enjoy ourselves. Stop talking about SoulCycle and just eat the fucking salad, Keira. Look, there’s even a tomato on it. You already HAVE a bikini body, Keira, if you just put a goddamn bikini on it.

PMS Woes
You don’t have to be a woman to have your period, and you don’t have to have your period to be a woman, but anybody under the sun will enjoy this giant tampon applicator filled with nacho cheese, peanut butter, pickles, and old slices of bread you just decided to say “fuck it” and toast with about seven pounds of butter. We’ll even go to your own fridge and fill it with all the little things you decided would satisfy your insatiable hunger craving, like little pieces of fat-free cheese and jelly on crackers and old capers in their jar. Feel free to throw the contents of this at those who are frustrating you. We won’t judge but we’ll duck!

Mac and Cheese Trough
A tiny, no-dressing salad is accompanied by a trough of mac and cheese. No utensils. You got here, now you lie in this bed.

Brunch for Dinner
One old egg, 20 bucks. Served overenthusiastically, with a splitting headache and you’ll have to ask a bunch of times, but somebody will finally bring you hot sauce.

A Cosmopolitan
Not really an alcoholic drink, just a large platter of sex tips AND a gigantic piece of salmon with a side of frissee and a stern warning about a growing problem that is happening to women RIGHT NOW and also a little quiz called “what kind of bitch are you” and a reveal of Selena Gomez’s favorite perfume for summer.

Giant Voodoo Doll Made of Baked Goat Cheese
You Name Him, We Curse Him! Nothing better than eating him away, cuz he certainly didn’t eat you in the entire three fucking months you hung out. Does that make you feel better? Here, here’s a knife to stab him in the gut. This will make you feel better. Also, the waiter will tell you that she thinks that Danny Castellano would probably want to date you in real life, if he were a real person. She will also take away your phone.
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“The Internet Comment”
A seemingly harmless peanut butter and jelly sandwich turns into a lively battle of racist comments, sexist jokes, and horrifyingly graphic insults.

The “Fuck it, We’re At A Casual Dining Restaurant in America”
A mountain of fried potatoes, smothered in horrible bastardizations of food that used to mean something to an entire people and their culture, like sashimi and pierogis and pieces of your grandmother’s eggplant parmesean. AMERICA-FIED by just being pummeled to death by butter and various kinds of cheese. Exciting! This comes in a hollowed-out television.

The Big 2-5 Sammich
Grow up, man. It’s called “sandwich” now. You’re a fucking adult. Smothered in crippling self-doubt, this sandwich will fill you up with bullshit literary analysis but will still keep you underemployed.The sandwich will compliment you and praise you while you’re eating it, then steal all your money and shove you in a tiny apartment afterwards, with nothing but whiskey and Buzzfeed lists to satiate you, you human scum. Costs thousands of dollars but you receive a complimentary piece of paper after the meal.

The Tumblr
No grammar, just a large Tom Hiddleston sheet cake that brings up a particularly rowdy conversation about feminism and eyebrows. Topped with a fedora and we let cats just walk all over this one.

How To Make My Special Grilled Cheese Sandwich

You Will Need:
-Two Slices of Bread
-4-5 Slices Of The Cheese of My Choice. MY Choice. Pro-Choice. Not Your Choice. AMERICAN.
-Get your Nasty Hands Off Me. Don’t even look at me. Butter. Yes, I am licking the knife please do not look in my face.
-Me, Who Has Had It Up To Here and can wear lipstick if she wants to, and can have sex if she wants to, everybody leave me alone. Make me a sandwich. DON’T YOU MAKE A LADY SANDWICH JOKE. I don’t want to make this. You do it for me. Misandry! I’m sorry. Love me. Get away!!!

Cooking Time:
If you’re hungry, about as long as it feels to wait on a bathroom line when you really have to pee. If you enjoy cooking, however, this takes about as long as the weekend felt. Please remember, however, time is fleeting and you are dying. The weekend is gone and you will never see it again.

To Make:
-Construct the sandwich. Gender is a Construct and you are a woman if you SAY you are a woman and identify as one. Stop being assholes about this. Why is everybody an asshole
-Okay, well usually you just need to put the slices of cheese on the bread but this time I’m gonna add all the condiments and everything in my fridge, but placed in this sandwich. Mustard. Tomatoes. Pickles. Old, very suspicious Canned Jalapenos. This Ranch is old but I’ll keep it in the fridge in case I need it. Do you notice we’re not talking about Nutella as much anymore? Could I fit Chicken Nuggets in this? Tempeh Bacon? I want to unhinge my jaw to eat this and become a great and evil and magnificent jaw-unhinged spirit.
-Heat up the stove. Put in the butter, about a tablespoon, way too soon and it doesn’t melt at all and you have to watch it. OR put it in way too late and watch it sizzle and burn into a deep black tar. In the armssss of the angelllll flyy awaaaay from here
-Text
- Wait for a text back.
-Plop sandwich in who gives a shit
-This little guy is never going to brown. It’s gonna burn and the cheese is gonna stay as cold as me when I want to avoid you on the subway.
-I am done with you, Game Of Thrones
-Leave me alone. I want to eat this forever. I will eat this in two bites, standing up by the stove and then when trying to put a show on but I keep sneaking bites and I can’t find anything on Netflix.
-Don’t look at me. I love you. Please wash my plate.

If you’re in the DC area, come get drunk brunch with me on May 4th. 5 bucks off the ticket until 11:55pm, so eat yo Peeps and then go snag a ticket.

If you’re in the DC area, come get drunk brunch with me on May 4th. 5 bucks off the ticket until 11:55pm, so eat yo Peeps and then go snag a ticket.

Travel Makeup Bag Essentials

If you’re lucky as fuck, you’re heading on a plane or train or automobile to do some travelin’ this summer. If you’re like me, you’re absolutely terrified of planes and cry just thinking about getting on them. Great! Nothing like good-old-fashioned gripping fears to start off summer right, but I digress. I’m heading to the Dominican Republic with my borgfriend in a little over two weeks, so I’ve obviously already planned my travel makeup bag to take on the plane. Even if thinking about the plane is giving me heat sweats just thinking about it. Ok, so I don’t do carry on and I like to travel light. Since I’m going somwhere hot as my ass (sexy hot), I’m keeping makeup minimal, but I still want to get my game face on when I’m going out to dinner. I don’t wear makeup in the pool or at the beach, but hey! I DO wear my glasses. Below are the items I am bringing, as a nice little guideline for your next trip:

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I just read your book - loved it. It was what I needed to hear right when I needed it. Thanks.

Oh, fuck it. I’m certainly adverse to putting these kind of compliments on the blog, but I think when you’re having a shitty day it really helps to see things like this. I am having a shitty day and sometimes, you have to kind of raise the things you hold closer to you above your head. It is exactly the only thing that keeps you from drowning. It is exactly what pumps your heart.

I wrote a book. It’s been a year, almost, and the bloody stumps that were left over after the book was written are just healing. Just in time for me to write the second one. I am, as I often am, excited and terrified and I love it.

I think love, as a whole, is really gritty and difficult with such outstanding light that it makes almost everything worth it. It also acts as the motor you need to keep going. And I know that “love” usually is synonymous with “a person,” but now and often, it shouldn’t be. Love should be for people. It should also be the things that make you worthwhile and exuberant to the people you love. Find these things, I think, and you will find what you are here for.

So today, I implore you to search. And if you’ve already found it, hold it upwards, wave it like a flag, and continue treading with your head above water until you fly just a little bit.