• When a dress you really like has one of those stupid thick elastic bands underneath the boobs and your body immediately looks like dogshit in the dress.
• Also: Surprise! The dress is actually a romper
• Why Facebook keeps putting dieting ads and engagement rings as ‘suggested posts’ for me NO THANKS
• Hot avocado 
• You’d think that with 2 jillion movie and television options on Netflix, I would find something I want to watch in under 6 hours
• How to keep nail polish from chipping—it’s not like my job is to run my hands in a sander or dip my hands into acid, which is what you’d think if you saw my nails
• I do not JUDGE you, but I do not understand people who say things like “I like getting up early” “I don’t really watch television” “No, just one drink for me” and “no more pizza, thank you” because if there was unlimited pizza I would eat it till I was dead.
• Why I cannot just waltz into any McDonald’s and get an Egg McMuffin at 11pm like I’ve wanted to do ALL MY LIFE
• Every innocent sandal that feels like it will be comfortable and then rips my skin off with its gladiator teeth halfway through my walk
• T-shirts with long messages on them worn outside of the house with say, pants.
• Why I cannot remember where I have put my phone but I still remember the lyrics of Mulan’s “I’ll Make A Man Out Of You” after 15 years
• Like, I get it, the ’90s were great but jesus slow your load a bit on that
• Music that portrays clubs as fun and exciting and don’t mention the words “sweat” “profusely” or “Ed Hardy”
• The older generation for their unwavering belief that chain e-mails are hilarious, informative, and should be sent out 40 times a day
• Why I mostly always dread getting in the shower but when I get in I find it to be one of the top moments of my existence
• A successful messy bun
• The person that decides to GO THERE and makes an insane racist comment or sexist comment on a Youtube video about cats or something

This is to show you despite slathering on SPF 100 like it is cream cheese and  you are a bagel, if you tan near the Equator and your dad is a white-lobster-Irish-Wall Street Journal Reader-John Smith mofo-white-man, you will burn. You will burn so much despite your mother’s Puerto Rican Pocahontas caramel skin you hope you have inherited. You didn’t inherit her caramel skin except, oddly enough, on your feet. Ah. Instead, you will peel out like a getaway car. You will peel like a grape although you have never peeled a grape. You will look a tomato wearing a very cute polka-dotted bathing suit. You will get blisters on your head and wake up at 4am, convinced you will lose your hair from the blisters, and actually cry real tears to your bf “but I don’t want to look like The HOOUNNND” (GoT)

You will burn. Happy Summer!  At least there is 1,000 Pina Coladas to drink. Summer 2013! You will burn, fools! All of you!

I’m going to Aruba next week with my borgfriend, a man who I love but also really wanted to see “After Earth” in theaters. Now, I’m not telling you this to a)encourage you to rob me (all I own is dirty underwear and an original copy of The Declaration of Independence) or b) brag about my amazing life. I do not have an amazing life. I have gas and a Mike’s Hard Lemonade. I am telling you this because I have been preparing for this trip for approximately 86 months and I feel I have some tips to impart to the masses so you can get ready for a vacation, too. It’s summer! Go get the hell out of here, go slug around in your friends dad’s beach house for fuck’s sake, stop being on the Internet and reading my moronic bullshit and sad reactions The Red Wedding. So. Here are those tips:

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Wearing a bathing suit should not be scary. You would not rather eat cat food than find a bathing suit. You have a stretch mark or two or three but nobody gets arrested for that shit. That shit is okay. I like your thighs. Take care of your feet. You do not have to transform into Lana Del Ray because it is summertime. You do not have to have the flattest stomach. Dance sexy in your bedroom wearing your bathing suit. People are not looking at you as much as they think you are. You will not shape yourself to a lingerie ad. Bikini season is not what it’s called. Other people (even the ones with the bodies you want) are worried about how they look, too. You are an educated young person who knows better and will teach confidence and poise and being a motherfucking boss to those who will soon be ready to release their bossness, too. You will do that in your cute bathing suit. You look nice in your bathing suit. Your body is not your value. You are having fun at the beach. Fuck that noise. You do not have to wear coral lipstick and find a big floppy hat if you don’t want to. You will not waste your time with this self-pity nonsense. You have to wear sunscreen. You are beautiful and you are nice except in the morning. Being beautiful is not the most important thing. Tummies are fine. Get melted ice cream on your tummy. You are having fun AT THE BEACH. Have a good fucking summer. Wearing a bathing suit should not be scary.

1) I’ve been staring at pictures from foodporndaily and I think that I would subscribe to a late night channel that only had slow scenes of cheese being pulled apart/avocados being sensually smushed/poached eggs popping (over the sounds of sexy porn Cheesecake Factory music)

2. Here’s an article I wrote for the Hairpin!

3. My friends Shane (who designed my sweet book release poster) and Brooks have some music out today with their band Octopus Mask. You should listen to it. I’ve also been listening to a lot of Selena Gomez music and that song “Come and Get It” is actually just a very threatening song. She’s like “once I get you’ll I’ll never LEAVE you” and sheesh Selena. Sheesh!

4. TMI: I have tweezers that I don’t just use for my EYEBROWS

5. I’m announcing this so you can hold me to it—The Frenemy is gonna be a vlog! This summer, I’ll be doing weekly vids that cover bad advice/songs I hate/beauty products I bought and hate/shitty clothes I buy and hate at Forever21/cheese. Lemme know via my ask or my ass what things you might wanna see on it and what questions you might want me to answer.

6. I love dresses with pockets so I can secretly scratch myself whilst walking down the street