It’s my 26th Birthday!

It’s my mothafuckin 26th birthday today, and I’ll be spending it like I did when I was 13 (wearing a choker), when I was 21 (drinking whiskey), like I do erryday (eating pizza) AND like an adult that has to sign up for shitty healthcare. I’m a little hungover because I watched Adam Sandler’s BLENDED last night, which was as horribly drunk as I suspected it would be. So it’s going okay so far.

Iffffff you wanna give me a bday gift, do me a solid and ..follow me on Instagram which is the only social media I have time for lately. Plus I love it.

All right. Off to mess up my lipstick, which is Kat Von D’s Studded Kiss in Homegirl. Celebrate with me by wearing dark lipstick tonight and convincing somebody you’re a witch.

The #1 Lesson I Learned While Writing A Book

Every time, I get down on myself. Every time I minimize the word document at 1am and think about all the things I have left to write. I toy with the music playlist, go to the bathroom, get another drink of water, distract myself. I get upset. I get frustrated. I think I couldn’t possibly do it, I think I need more time, I think I need tomorrow, I think I need to watch Broad City instead.

And then, after hours of this bullshit, I start to type. The second I start to type, I feel better. It’s the medicine I need. I feel like I can handle it. I feel as invincible as I can when I’m sober. And always, once I start typing, I start to get it done. Always.

Don’t think too much, man. Just fucking do.

The #2 lesson is that you are hardest on yourself, and the #3 lesson is that you don’t have to be as perfect as you think you should be.

I’m Still Here

How, effectively, do you get out all the words out that you want people to hear? How can you be heard? Who the fuck will listen? How can I balance all of these heavy questions with, say, jokes about cereal and the consumption of nachos and an all in all happy, productive life?

As a writer, I think about this often. But also, as a human, I think about it more.

Everybody knows there is a lot of horrible going on in the world right now, and for the first time—a sign of growing older for sure—I have had a consistent heartache about it. I have had a headache from people’s opinions about it, too. How often we spend trying to say the right thing, the angry thing, the justified thing, or the thing that lets the world know how we truly feel. Sometimes, it is awful. Most of the time it is a desperate cry to be heard.

An old friend and former coworker of mine died a couple of days ago to cancer. He was a very positive person in a way I am not. I am not a very positive person. I got frustrated cleaning dishes today. Why? I couldn’t say. I can’t say much about the balance of the world anymore, only that I know it should exist and often doesn’t.

There is a giant storm cloud in my stomach, and I used to spend all too much time trying to figure out how to make the lightning come out of it. Writing the second book is challenging. Sometimes I think my life isn’t that important to write another book about. Actually, that’s correct. My life isn’t important in the grand scheme of things, except to perhaps contribute some common thread I drop on the ground. I hope you pick them up and go “Hey, me too.”

In the meantime, I listen to Fiona Apple, to Tori Amos, to Adele, and to Miss Nicki Minaj while I spend hours trying to figure it out.

I’m still around, guys. I am turning 26 on Saturday and I am grateful to do so with pizza and whiskey and friends. I am also doing that all-too-human thing of find restrained ways to wring out my storm cloud into something that resembles my footprints. Deadline in October. I am the little engine that will.

More writing to come here, as it is always my way.

My bf is on point this morning

My bf is on point this morning

Things I’m Craving

-a perfect cranberry colored lipstick
-a break from the shit on the internet
-the time, patience, and ingredients to bake more things
-all of the socks I think I lost appear over the hill like the ending of Homeward Bound
-a goddamn breeze once in a while
-a hair product that actually eliminates 83% of frizz or whatever lies this thing is spewing
-solid gold chopsticks and the tofu pad thai to go with it
-It works when I say “Accio Siracha” on the couch
-the thing on Netflix I want to watch FOR ONCE
-the kind of money where I’m not quite sure how much a gallon of milk costs
-like, I could guess I just wouldn’t be 100% sure
-delicate necklaces and chunky rings
-candles that don’t really make the room hot
-clean room
-a stare that could stop your shit
-some nice things
-people to shut up