I talk a lot about snacking. That is because hovering by the pantry taking little chips or leaving the fridge open while I dip one to a million things in hummus/spoons of cold leftovers is my favorite form of eating. You can do it by yourself, which is really helpful because I really can’t help that 23% of everything I eat sometimes ends up in the corners of my mouth and my white clothes. However, sometimes you have to eat full meals with other people, and sometimes these are people you potentially want to sleep with. You have to be careful. Now, when I see a menu at a restaurant out on a date, I think over these tips so I choose wisely:

1. Don’t choose something you REALLY like: Let’s face it, if I get a big old plate of creamy cheese mac, I’m going to stick my head in it like an ostrich and totally not listen to anything my date says. I will not hear them  because of all the moaning and I will not see them because of all the eye rolling I will do. I mean, if it comes with bread crumbs on top I might just leave with my little bowl, put it in my bed and make sweet sweet consensual love with that instead of my date. Anyway, get something that you SORT of like, kind of like how you SORT of probably like your date! You guys just met! Keep everything SORT OF.

2. Don’t get a dip for an appetizer: I am one greedy little toad when it comes to guac/spinach and artichoke dip. In fact, I refer to tortilla chips as mini-challenges and the mini-challenge is ‘how much fucking dip can I pile onto this chip I have in my hand” and the obstacle is your hand also going for the dip. Dips are usually an alone time or drunk friend time activity. Why? Things get violent. I could possibly swat at a date’s hand if I feel like it is unfairly interfering with my ability to get as much dip in my mouth as possible. And you really shouldn’t hit somebody you want to love you, like you, or at least pay for the dinner. Don’t share anything, actually. I don’t want to give you the last dumpling, and I don’t appreciate you offering it to me because it was a given that it is mine.

3. If you eat like an animal, don’t eat with your hands tonight: First of all, sandwiches and burgers are delicious and if you can get away with daintily shoving something that is roughly the size of your head, go ahead and be my guest. But for me, since I am only 4’11 (true story) and everything is larger than my head, you can’t even see me when I take a bite. I am now Lady Hamburger Head, and when my face emerges into the light I have all kinds of sauce across my cheeks. So even though licking my cheek might produce a delicious BBQ flavor, I look crazy and avoid it. Also, I try not to eat with my hands because I cannot for the life of me not lick my fingers. Why would I wipe it on a napkin? That’s SAUCE WASTE.

3a. Unless if it’s pizza: Pizza is the perfect food no matter what. You don’t want to lick your fingers because that’s just the gross oil. You can take it on the go and go for a walk with it. It’s the only cheap food that seems cute if you get it on a date. Nobody doesn’t like pizza. Everybody likes pizza. Cowabunga dudes.

4. No soup: Soup makes you look weird. Who just orders soup for dinner? Are you on a liquid diet? Do you have a cold? Are you incapable of chewing very well? I think that ordering soup, especially with its huge risk of slopping burning hot liquid down your chest, will make anybody look weird. A guy I went out with ordered soup and I kept thinking ‘well, I bet he’s going to go out on another date after this so he’s trying not to fill up.’ Then the logical part of me was like ‘holy shit he’s a lizard and he’s trying to keep his internal temperature warm!’ In no way would I ever date a lizard. A frog, maybe. 

5. A Specific Salad is a good choice: How many different times do I read from some mopey dope in a ladies mag saying “I hate it when a girl eats a salad it shows she hates her body I like it when she eats.” This made me think, okay, I better order two or three plates of just butter and fried pickles so he knows how much I am confident but  that didn’t work either. On the flip side, ordering just a garden salad is kind of a bad idea. Why? Because garden salads in restaurants are always terrible. It’s like iceberg lettuce, one tomato slice, a shit ton of onion and one weird thing like an olive or a pepperoncini or something. LAME. However, some salads are just delicious because they are huge and have goat cheese and beets and if you like chicken they throw that in there top. Oh, and Mexican themed salads are the bomb! Show you’re worldly while getting little tortilla chips sprinkled all over a big ass bowl of yum. Those kinds of salads are okay and I usually get these.

6. If you don’t like your date, find out what they are allergic to and order that. No kiss for you! BOOM.

7. ONE drink minimum or no drink at all: I know, I know you’re thinking “who are you stranger?” But drinking at dinner is kind of lame because it just gets absorbed by the bread bowl and the dinner and then you just feel like you wasted it. Either suggest drinks after the dinner if you like the person and you want to whiskey-convince them to make out, or keep a little flask in a garter belt and run to the bathroom and nervously chug it. I’m kidding! I keep mine in my purse.

8.NO SUSHI: I know, I know. If you love sushi you really fucking LOVE sushi and you’re going to be like “why no sushi!!!’ and get all huffy. I like sushi enough. But I’m going to go against the grain and say it’s not a first date food. First things first is that chopsticks are kind of hard to use and you’re not always going to be perfect at it. Sometimes, I just get mad and want to stab one of the sticks straight through the roll and eat it like that. Plus, you can’t take half a bite of sushi, so you have to put the whole thing in your mouth and look like a crazy chipmunk. And afterwards, you have fish breath. No thanky.

9. Spicy Food: Now, I know ordering super spicy crazy food will just make you sweat and cry and do all sorts of unattractive things and I do not recommend it. However, mildly spicy food makes me eat slower and more carefully, like even by chewing my food and taking one bite at a time instead of the ‘shoveling method’ I usually employ. Sometimes I even cut my food in little pieces! Seriously, if I need to pace myself or end up in a fiery mouth pit of flame pain, it makes it look like I’m actually just a normal human who eats slowly.

10. No Spaghetti: Unless you are actually a rich cocker spaniel going out with a mutt dog, this is not a good idea because you slurp it and also, you can make it at home for mad cheap! What’s the point of going out when you order spaghetti which I eat all the time because I’m poor and also eat dinner too late? Don’t be so vanilla, step outside the box and order something that you can’t make immediately when you get home! COME ON.

This doesn’t leave too much food, actually. I think your best options are penne pastas, large salads, corn dogs, and things you have to cut with a fork, I think. Or perhaps just a large bowl of cereal. Oh man, I wish cereal was an actual date food. I could actually just eat cereal all fucking day. Reese’s Puffs/Rice Krispies for the win!