1. “I’ve never felt this way before.”
C’mon…yes you have. I know that you’re telling me this because you’re super super excited about the guy or girl who took you out to a generic pasta restaurant and wore a peacoat, but don’t try to fool me with your lies. Saying something like “this is basically the first time I’ve ever experienced emotion” is your way of saying “please gush over my story so you can see how my iron heart is melting.” I’m not saying that you don’t like them, but don’t try to trick me into thinking that this is THE ONE and I have to arrange a bachelorette party and flowers and shit for your devoted ass. Because you’re 20. And he probably might break up with you. And you used this phrase with your last boyfriend, and he broke up with you for videogames.
2. “If there wasn’t (insert person or obstacle here) I would have kicked her ass.”
Well, you’ve never gotten into a fist fight, have you? Because when you really want to turn somebody’s face into shepard’s pie, it doesn’t matter if there’s a pack of policeman or an angry tiger colony in front of the dumb acrylic bitch. You’re going to whack at her with your little manicure paws until somebody larger holds you back or you find a knife to throw at her neck veins. And that gaping wound will remind her whose best friend you shouldn’t be calling a skank. So when you tell me that you would have gone all crazy up in this place, I don’t believe you because you are wearing pink and the only thing on your record is a big smiley face stamp. You have a Burberry purse, for fuck’s sake.
3. “I am above all the drama.”
You know what kind of people say this kind of crap? People who love to post passive-aggressive statuses (stati?) on Facebook. People who go to the mall to make fun of the friends that aren’t there buying Express tops with them. People who talk shit. For example, I don’t hate drama. I love drama. Because I think that drama is a genre. I do not think drama is “why Kiely talked smack about Kelsey when you KNOW she is the bigger bitch in this situation,” because I’ve read all of Shakespeare and not just in Spark Notes and I appreciate the written word. So when you tell me that you don’t know why some girls are always in the drama, I say to myself “well this girl is going to call me fat while she irons her hair straight and wears a halter top.” But whatever: she does not get involved.
4. “I hate liars and fake people and I don’t need them in my life.”
This is kind of a deviation of the previous phrase because the same kind of girl usually ends up saying it. Anyway, I have a newsflash for you: this phrase goes without saying! It’s a given! What kind of people are all like “yeah liars are pretty much my people. I love when people lie to me because it’s like the surprise party of language! I love betrayal!” And what the hell does “fake people” mean? Is it like..dolls? Do you hate dolls? That’d be okay, I guess. Dolls are really kind of creepy because they always stare and they have dead people souls in them. Horror movie FACT.
I’m sorry, but nobody gets this one. It’s used as inappropriately as Alanis Morrisette’s “Ironic” as in: not right at all. Do you know how many people have said to another friend when they saw their ex-boyfriend at the same party ” I LITERALLY had a heart attack”? Answer: a lot. And nobody’s like “oh my gosh are you okay? Does your diet need to change? Should you be sitting right now? Did you see Jesus?!” Because that means you had a fucking heart attack! It means it really happened! Literally means true, not exaggeration! SAT’s for the win! Anyway, just like “there were literally, like, millions of people there” means “there was about 86 people in my house,” using a word to exaggerate a concept by misusing the real definition of the word..well, that doesn’t work. It LITERALLY just doesn’t!
6. “We hooked up”
I mean, I’m glad that you are getting it on with somebody. Really. I’m happy for you. But the problem here is that I don’t know how much or how little you’re getting it on with somebody. Because ‘hooking up’ means anything from kissing a bit in your car to doing the dirty on a futon in the basement. And while we’ve all happily accepted this vague definition, if somebody tells me ‘they hooked up’ it means that I am going to have to follow that with “so what’d you guys do?!” and you will have to now clarify the sexual acts you have experienced. Which means that the first declaration of “we hooked up” is extraneous and unnecessary. And less is more. Just tell me what you did. Got it? Good.
7. “Do you want to hear something crazy/weird/amazing?”
Again, this is the kind of sentence that is completely extraneous. Like, if I say yes, you’ll be like “oh I wasn’t listening because I’m going to tell you anyway.” And if say no, you’ll be like “well I’m going to tell you anyway.” And then you’ll tell me. And it’s not even going to BE that crazy or weird. It’s going to be something pretty average that happens but it’ll involve somebody we know so I guess I’ll be more invested in the story. Just tell me the story. Don’t ask questions. Believe me, I won’t either.
8. “God, I feel fat today…!!……..?”
Wellllll. So listen. I am your friend. I cannot tell you that the striped sweater dress you wore makes your body look like a piece of candy corn. In fact, I don’t want to tell you that. Because when you wear something that doesn’t look like an afghan from hell, you have a great figure. And I don’t want to think otherwise, although that dress is really stupid looking on you. And not only that, but I really do like giving compliments when somebody isn’t sitting on their dock fishing for them. If we’re friends, I think you are pretty. If I think you look especially pretty, I will tell you. Case cah-losed.
9. “Did you like (insert lover here)?!”
Yes. Yes. I loved him. He’s great. Because if I don’t say I like him, you’re going to launch at me like a bat and attach onto my face and rip my eyes out. You’re going to defend the person you don’t know OVER the person who will hold your head in their bosom when you cry after he betrays you. It’s new, I understand. So even if he called me a heffer sandwich whore who will die in a pile of cats and couches, I have to pretend I think he’s great. Because you need to learn these things on your own damn time. And if I don’t agree right now, you will eat my soul and I just don’t need that.
10. “What do you want to do tonight?!”
I DON’T KNOW I WILL AGREE WITH WHATEVER YOU SAY! I SAY “I DONT KNOW” EVERY TIME JUST SAY FUCKING ANYTHING I WILL AGREE.
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