So even though I’m not a big fan of New Year’s Eve, I am a big fan of stupid people in glittery dresses throwing up on sidewalks. So I’ll celebrate in order to point and laugh and brag about how I can gracefully over-drink 343 days of the year without the aid of Forever 21 cocktail attire.
The first day of 2011 for me will feel much like the last day of 2010 unless I magically become sober and married to James Franco at midnight. Sidenote, marriage is becoming less appealing to me ever since I realized that my spouse will NOT share my college loan burdens with me once I trick him into nuptials. I Googled that today. However, following in the true grand tradition of things, I’ll pretend to want to shed my snakeskin and become a firework. This means I’m already two drinks/mini quiches in and I have finally come up with a promise for the upcoming year. New beginnings, nah mean?! Here goes:
I officially declare 2011 the year of the “Aw Hell Naw”
(you can’t see me, but I’m raising a full wine glass at the computer)
Listen. I ain’t putting up with no more bullshit. Not mine. Not his. Not hers. Shit stinks so when it’s in the room, I’m going to smell it and say something about how it’s gross to shit in a room and it shouldn’t be there. I’m not going to make any more excuses or accept them, either. Well, not ‘I don’t want to go to your party because a new True Blood is on excuses’, but more like “I didn’t mail my loan check out today because I’m tired/he’s not calling because he’s busy” kind of bullshit excuses. I resolve to say “Oh FUCK no” at least thirty more times a day, whether it be some guy who cancels plans at the last minute, some friend who forgets to call when they say they will, and even the bitchy hag at the grocery store who cuts me off because she’s old and a hag. I will be dishing out “Aw Hell Naws” to me and whoever else is making my life stupider when it doesn’t have to be. Ch-ch-check it.
I also should return phone calls and texts in a more timely fashion.
Anyway, that’s what I resolve to do in 2011, a year in which I know is going to produce a lot of big changes for me, this blog (fingers crossed on some really-big-too-huge upcoming projects, y’all) and for you all, too. I hope that you celebrate the start of it all with lots of booze and lots of friends and street dogs, and prepare for the fact that 2011 will only start to get awesome once March rolls around and this shitty snow isn’t all up in your fucking boots.
Oh yeah. And one more note for you guys: 2010 was the year I graduated and didn’t have much to show for it except American Literature notes I won’t read again, slutty ripped tights, and blind unending terror. To ease the pain, I started this blog because I like to be funny but I don’t like leaving my couch. The fact that you guys read it and are enthusiastic to me every day about it makes a terrible horrid curmudgeon like myself warm a little bit on the insides. There are more drunk angry people like me out there! See, dad?!?! I promise to get funnier in 2011. I also promise to never ever date successfully, drink only two beers at a party, or go on a grapefruit diet. You keep reading, I keep loving you.
Happy New Year, or whatever.