MISTAKE: JUST THIS SCENE LOL

When I was a kid, I was taught that you shouldn’t touch fire. I didn’t actually learn this lesson, though, until I put my sticky stupid baby hand on the stove. And it really fucking hurt, so I stopped doing it. This is the kind of mistakes you learn from through experience. Later on in life, somebody told me I shouldn’t murder somebody. I’ve never done it, because it’s the kind of mistake you learn without experience. And then there are the mistakes I make time and time again, always regret, and never ever stop making. Rihanna says it’s because I like the way it hurts:

1. Clear Rum: The only people that really and truly enjoy Bacardi White Rum are people that are underaged and still in college. Enjoy it while you can, sister. The first time I over did it on some sort of fruit punch and rum concoction was the first time I literally stuck my entire head in the toilet and tried to climb through the pipes as it could have possibly been a portal to the past. I would find the me of two hours ago and punch her in the stomach until she promised not to have that last shot of rum. The next morning, I just thought about the smell of rum And I projectile vomited my feelings and my kidneys at squirrels and other small moving targets. I told all my facebook friends “No MORE RUM LOL” yet two years later, I was shoving my face into a garbage can trying to read the thrown out school paper in it in order to pass the time between wretches. Lesson learned? For now!

2. Ordering a salad/the vegetable sandwich with mozzarella cheese and pesto at a restaurant: Whenever I go to lunch, I always scan the menu for something that says “mac and cheese” “lots of fucking cheese” or “avocado with who gives a shit what else.” Yet somehow, I always end up ordering the salad with maybe tuna tartare if my mom is paying, the orange vina-regret, and the LBS. O’ BIBB LETTUCE. If I’m feeling carb wild, I always get that ciabatta sandwich with the huge slimy slice of mozz and some grilled eggplant tongues. I never like it, but why order something you like? You’re watching your figure! BUT I’M NOT EVEN. I’m just going to go home and secret eat, anyway. 

3. THOSE FUCKING SHOES: You know the shoes. They are such cute shoes and they look great on you. And just when you think they are as into you as you are them, they rip your foot skin off until it gets all red and wet and you limp around like a crazy person and your feet are ugly for a week afterwards. Yet, when that other right outfit comes along, you pull them out of your closet, wiping your blood off the patent leather and surrounding your feet with about three boxes of bandages. You have hope. All the bandages fall off and you die of pain.

4. The terrible idea: I get it. He was in a band. His name is Scoot and he looks like a vampire because he has been “jamming in his basement for three years straight.” He has a colorful tattoo of a radio and a piece of steak. Her name is Has-been. She has thick red framed glasses and plays the Speak and Say in a local Brooklyn band. His name is Zap. He paints Norman Rockwell photographs but adding images of dead people and images of war. These people are never good choices. You know they’re just going to ask you for rent money and “where to get a good high around here.” But they are so cute! I mean, if I didn’t get herpes from Jumpy, why should I get it from Leap? 

5. Watching the scene where Bambi’s mom gets shot, Mufasa dies, or “that’ll do, pig.”: Oh sure, I might have to go out and have un-waterproof mascara on, but I’d really like to get my heart ripped out of my chest and have it stomped on by a bunch of fake fucking animals first.

6. Yeah, I can totally survive on 2 hours of sleep: I know it’s a Tuesday at 1am, but it’s not like this episode of Sister Wives is going to watch itself! Oh look, it’s 9am! Now I will be a miserable bitch today!

7. That movie, that restaurant, that bar: I know making decisions is hard. I know this because I try to never make them. I whine continuously until somebody finally says “fuck you we’ll..” and they’ll just make the decision for me. Because every time I decide on Chinese, I realize I don’t even want Chinese and I spend the whole dinner screaming at my weird creepy MSG filled vegetable eggroll. There’s no eggs in here! I hate Big Daddy! Put on something else! I’m not indecisive, I just choose to judge your choices instead!

8. The red-tinted brunette hair dye: Chocolate Cherry is never the color you wanted. Never. Why? Because it’s a gross nasty candy, too.

9. Looking at pictures of your ex’s new girlfriend: She’s prettier than you, isn’t she? Skinnier? Holy shit this picture actually looks like she’s funnier than me! Nope. That’s just your masochistic insanity speaking. Because she is wearing a sherpa lined hoodie. And her favorite book is Sweet Valley High: What’s This Plot? Just…back away from the Facebook. Put the gun down.

10. Not taking that umbrella. Taking that umbrella. It’ll rain. No it won’t.

Listen, we’re all good at a lot of stuff. For example, I am quite excellent at drunk texting people I haven’t talked to in years, continuing to make bad jokes about Inception, and drinking without the aid of a straw. But even I’m not perfect, and as I’ve grown older, I’ve finally realized that there are some things that I’m not good at. Restraint and chess, for example. However, there have been some things I have slowly realized that I thought I was good at, but really am just mediocre at. However, misery loves company, and luckily I am not alone. Because everybody thinks they are better at these skills than they actually are. If you think you’re good, you just haven’t seen the light:

1. British Accents: 

Well ‘ello there! This is ‘ow a Bri-ish person talks, Cheerio! Hmm. Not only is your English accent a cockney impression you’ve mastered from years of watching Jane Austen remakes, but you’re also imitating the way somebody spoke 200 years ago when they wore petticoats. That’s like you pretending an American accent is always how 1920’s news reporters talk that’s the scoop! So when you go to the mall with your girlfriends and start talking about nacho pretzels in the same accent used in Roman HBO miniseries for whatever reason they find that that is historically sensible, you just sound like a moron who is doing a poor impression of a gladiator. Seriously, Harry Potter doesn’t know you, but if he did he’d be like : Ello ello bloody ‘ell poppet. RIGHT?!?!

2. Singing Bohemian Rhapsody/Don’t Stop Believing

Street lights! People! Staring down a boulevar-ardd! Shadows! Mumble! BLOP BOOP BOP!! I am totally aware that these two songs are pretty popular during singalongs, but if you close your eyes, clench your fists, mumble phrases and the last word of the verse, you don’t REALLY know the song. Wait! I know! I WILL FOOL THEM BY SCREAMING THE CHORUS! I have foiled you allllllllllllllllllllllll

3. Cutting your friend’s hair

If you cut your friend’s hair once because you were drunk and he was willing, you are now the most expert haircut master in the history of the world. When your guy friend asks the room ‘does anybody cut hair’ you leap at the opportunity to flaunt your amazing skills! You are so good! Now you spend the next six hours cutting his hair half centimeters at a time. Because each move is that of the finest quality and you are an expert! And he needs to KNOW this. Little does he know that you just spent two minutes silently cursing oh shit oh shit at yourself! That’s what the masters do. 

3a. Doing your friend’s makeup:

I am amazing at smoky eyes. Well, no you just moved. Stop moving. You don’t have the colors I normally use. Does anybody have makeup remover? I just made a small mistake on the entire surface of this eyelid.

4. Seriously, I am never going to hook up with him/her. AGAIN.

We’ve all made the mistake of getting into over-emotional, hormone driven relationships because we’re young and have the freedom to drink from 30 racks and yell at people. We’ve all made the mistake of letting somebody hurt us so we can sob to our friends and yell ‘i can’t DO this anymore’ even though you have thousands of angsty facebook messages and hundreds of terrible relationships to look forward to in your short lifetime. We’ve made solemn promises to all who will listen how you are JUST DONE. Then, BAM! It’s next weekend and you’ve got your face smashed up to the very same person you have damned just days before. Then this person will like, tell you they aren’t ready and you’ll slam your head in the door and make everybody’s tune you out for the next six loud whiny hours.

5. Making __________.

I have a friend who makes “the best quesadillas you will ever have in YOUR LIFE.” I have another friend who makes “seriously the best omelette you’ll ever eat.” Guess what, trick? It’s a quesadilla! It’s a little bit of mother fucking cheddar, a little bit of store bought tortilla, and a damn pan! Plus, you give me a bit of guacamole on anything and I will eat the shit out of a shoe. So no, it’s not that good. It’s good for a quesadilla not made by a hard-working woman in Mexico who shucked that damn corn and flattened that tortilla her own self. And omelettes? It’s an ingredient that you open and two ingredients that you sprinkle. That’s it. That’s it.

6. Keeping in touch/Keeping your plans

I’ve made so many plans when I am drunk and excited. And I really want to do these things with you. But then I wake up and realize that somehow, flying out to Vegas with you next week, blowing all your money to set hookers free and murdering Nickelback just doesn’t make sense in the daylight. And perhaps making the effort to send you a few Facebook messages, phone calls or texts when you go to visit your family in Iowa for three months is equally as hard as killing a band. I can’t be sure of this, because I haven’t done either.

7. Finding shitty people unattractive

I don’t care how terrible Jared Leto, John Mayer and Megan Fox seem in real life. I don’t care how much you’d love to drown the guy in class who wore ties and swung his arms over four or five chairs instead of keeping to his personal space. If you had the opportunity, and nobody would ever know, you know you would. I mean, you would. NO YOU WOULDN’T YOUR SECRETS SAFFEEEEE… <3