1. Summer Finn, 500 Days of Summer

This movie is pretty good, and besides for the blech ending (you know the part I’m talking about), I don’t have many complaints. However, it should be noted that while Summer Finn wonderfully embodies the “vintage clothes look great on skinny people” movement, she does end up representing women in the worst way possible. Why? Because everything she does is crazy. For example: not wanting to date Joseph Gordon-Levitt. (What the hell, Summer? I’d give my left quirky hipster foot to make out with him, and that was before Inception) And yes, maybe playing “the Penis Game” with JGL in the park and wearing adult bows are things that make people think that women are somehow stuck in baby adulthood and are all nutso. But really, the thing that makes Summer so terrifying is that she’s pretty great. She doesn’t believe in relationships, she has shower sex, and she’s bisexual. She’s the dream girl! She’s awesome! Well, love her all you want, asshole. Because she’s going to shatter your heart into a million pieces and eat all the the beating parts right up. Sure- date the funny and awesome lady of your dreams! She’ll murder your spirit! Sound fun? Cool, go date a girl you really like, you masochist! Now, who’s up for pancakes?

2. Rachel Berry, Glee

Glee, like eating Mallomars and sobbing into your pajama sleeves, is sort of a required guilty pleasure for me. Mostly, I watch Glee because it’s kind of like being high on pain meds without the pesky Intervention. Sometimes I watch it because it breaks the ice on my dark wilting heart. However, if there’s anything more scary about the show besides the notion that there is a place in America where people do just break out into song on the street, it’s Rachel Berry. A pretty girl with a hot bod and a great voice, you might think you would love nothing more than to make out with her face but beware: she’s going to sing Total Eclipse of the Heart to it. Then she’ll sing Paramore! Then she’ll sing more songs in front of everyone! So, okay, fine. You might think: I could date a girl who likes to sing classic rock songs/Barbra Streisand in front of a lot of people. I listen to a little Journey now and then, so who am I to judge? But then she’ll do shit like ask her boyfriend to quit the football team because she’s insecure and wears owl sweaters. And then you’re dating a girl who sings Lionel Richie AND sucks out all your fun enjoyment energy. And she’s definitely two boob jobs away from being a major star f*cker, so you best be on your toes- she’ll leave you in as many piano bars as it takes to prelude Wild Horses.  Hey, where’d my sexual desire go? Oh, good! It’s buried and gone! But my fear is stronger!

3. The Entire Cast of Mean Girls

Girls are hot. They look great in mini skirts. And they are evil, conniving bitches. Not only do these girls commit acts of weight terrorism on other girls they don’t like, but they also cause full-blown high-school riots. Have a secret? Too bad! They’ll eat your secrets and gain your life blood, put it in a pink book, and destroy your already quivering self-esteem. Then they can get hit by buses and live because they are immortal demons. Then they even make Tina Fey sad! Who are these monstrous whores? I’ll tell you who they are: terrifying high school girls. And now I’m scared of all of them. I can’t even shop in Forever 21 without thinking that one of these mythical beasts are making fun of my haircut or adorable skirt. And I’m 22. Also, watching Lindsay Lohan when she had light in her eyes is kind of like watching Mia Farrow before she gets pregnant in Rosemary’s Baby. I’m not saying high school girls are the devil. Yes I am. 

4. Sally, When Harry Met Sally

Hey, wanna have a friend that’s a girl? Too fucking bad, you’re going to fall in love with her! You want to just be platonic? Nope! Fuck off! It’ll take ten years, but by God are you stuck!

5. Bella Swan, Twilight

Ha! You might have really wanted a boring lifeless girl who licks her lips a lot, has mousy features and wears smart jackets with hoods on them. You might even think that’s some sort of sure thing, like Campbell’s Tomato soup or something. Well, guess what, human? If you want to get with this chick, you better be a mythical figure! Because Bella Swan is a big ole creature slut, a big ole creature slut who is about as average as a C+ in history.  And unlike the creature whores of yore, (you know, like Jessica Biel in Blade) she can’t even shoot a gun or solve crimes or really do anything other than stutter. But she won’t even give you the time of day because you’re not a ghost or something! Say whaat? The next time you meet a girl at the party who is boring, don’t think she’s DTF. In fact, every girl that you ever meet who doesn’t have any personality is probably hooking up with The Creature From the Black Lagoon AND The Blob. Because interesting girls don’t get the dead guy, only dull Mormon cardigan wearing ones do. Duh.

6. Allison, Knocked Up

One night stand + 18 years of childcare +you’re gonna keep this kid? Really?+ it’s not that I’m not pro-choice it’s just…+ this is the only movie that Katherine Heigl has ever been likeable in = oh shit.

Oh man, one night stands with hot girls are great. No. No they’re not. They’re a hot bed of responsibility!

7. Natalie Portman, Garden State

- I wear a helmet, wanna do it?

- I don’t know, maybe to The Shins? Because I want to hear that on other soundtracks forever. 

- I buried my hamster in the yard and that’s like, a plot point.

- Oh. How about we make you the example for indie film chicks for the next 25 years?

- I’m sorry, I’m too busy wearing a garbage bag as a jacket to hear you.

Dear Saw Franchise: There have already been sixty of you made. There will be sixty more-probably in 3, 4, and 5D. Anyway, you’re getting it all wrong. Bear traps exploding onto my head are just not what I’m truly afraid of. xoxo, Alida

LET’S PLAY A LITTLE GAME. IF YOU DO NOT REACH YOUR HAND INTO A VAT OF ACID AND PULL A KEY OUT OF YOUR HEART:

1.  Tom Hanks will not go back to the top of the Empire State Building and Meg Ryan will not end up with him at the end of Sleepless in Seattle.
2. Vampires depicted in popular television and movies will forever be overweight and balding. They will no longer sparkle OR go topless.
3. All of your ex-boyfriends will marry hot models and thrive happily, while all of your greatest enemies will become thinner than you.
4. Your favorite contestant on Top Chef will get voted out!
5. Yoplait will no longer be “so good.” It will be terrible and bad tasting!
6. Bikini season will always be just around the corner!
7. Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner will get an ugly divorce and Jay-Z will leave Beyonce for a woman with many, many tattoos.
8. Your hair will never be straight again, no matter how many creams or irons you apply to it.
9. No amount of salad or Special K will help your growing figure! Your thighs will practically have a mind of their own! Hummus will also only be made with heavy cream and butter.
10. Carrie will be so broken by Mr. Big, she moves to a tiny suburban town and marries a steel worker.
11. Nobody will ever compliment you on your outfit or new haircut. Ever. Again.
12. You can never share an appetizer or dessert at a restaurant with a friend at dinner. Nor can you ever partake in a bite of anybody’s more delicious looking mac-and-cheese or French Fry. That’s right, not even to “try it.” 
13. For the rest of your life, people will take pictures of you when you feel unattractive and post them on social networking sites for the world to see! You will no longer have the power to untag them.
14. You will accidentally send texts you wrote badmouthing people to the people you badmouthed! All of the things you have said about others behind ye backs will be released!
15. Chuck Bass will begin to dress in pull away snap athletic pants and Teva sandals and do charity runs. He will become an electrician.
16. You will be plagued with dry patches of skin on your face that no amount of lotion will fix. Also: completely obvious split ends, ugly cuticles.
17. Only three to four small things will fit into your purse. You will never hear you phone vibrate from your purse, either. Small dogs will reject sitting in your purse. 
18. You will only be allowed to wear large, bulky pads on your lady cycle! That being said, you will no longer crave chocolate or unhealthy foods on your period, so you will no longer have three days to sit around and cry and eat whatever you want. You will be emotionally and physically stronger on these days.
19. Teen Mom will no longer touch your heart! It will only encourage you to breed lots and lots of children with mean high school boys!
20. Sarah Palin will be referred to as “the quintessential modern woman.”
21. Mr. Darcy will leave Elizabeth for a younger, hotter, less spritely female.
22. You mom will always be right! This includes: “that outfit won’t wash well, that lipstick will make you look trashy, that Gilmore Girl will grow up with issues, you’re just like your (family member you hate)”
23. Everybody will see the music you listen to when you’re: (getting over a breakup, PMSing, going for a run, creating choreography in your room)
24. Puppy videos will end with puppies getting eaten by big scary sharks!
25. The only things on TV will be: Rocky, Elizabeth Taylor getting punched in the face, and ugly shoes.

The weekend is coming up, and I know I’m planning on bar-hopping, party doing, and proving to myself “See, I don’t always drink alone.” Anyway, sometimes these things + a good couple million gin and tonics = I end up meeting a guy and doin’ a little late night Tub-Thumping. However, sometimes these things also mean that I wake up the next morning with a little thing I like to call Shame: The Breakfast of Champions. Here, I’ve created a handy little print-out list for all of us lady killers out there. Keep it in your pocket this weekend and give it a once-over the moment you start thinking about mackin’ it with “Pablo Honey from East Brunswick.” And remember- you might not be able to put maple syrup on shame, but you can put it on a big old heaping stack of Chastity Pancakes. I know that didn’t really make sense. 

But it will. It will.

Women’s magazines are expensive. In this economy, I can’t just throw 5 dollars out the window to read 8 discreet ways to have sex in public or what Lauren Conrad’s doing with her hair lately. I know you guys get it. Luckily, I’ve read enough of these gems in the past to describe every issue ever being released this month and the next. Read on and YOU’RE WELCOME:

1. Jennifer Aniston is really hot but she is also very pathetic. We want to have her hairstyle and her arms, but only to carry on her legacy when she dies alone.

2. Red Lipstick doesn’t make you look like a whore. It makes you look like a Southern grandmother, a mid-twenties hipster, or an elegant whore.

3. Know your face shape. Face shapes include: oval, slight oval, circle, and Tyra Banks. This face shape will help you determine the correct sunglasses to buy, haircuts to get, and how many ugly children you might have.

4. Metallics are back this season! 

5. When going out to dinner, you must order grilled chicken with dressing on the side. You may have one bite of dessert and only one. But don’t restrict yourself or anything. Now, here is a 500 calorie cocktail called “THE CARRIE.”

6. Buying a stupid little throw pillow is a cheap sexy way to decorate your shitty apartment. Throw some glass marble shit in a vase, too. That’ll help.

7. There are four ways to dress: Romantic florals, Urban Chic, Classic with an Edgy Twist, and wearing your boyfriends t-shirt is sexy.

8. You need to eat salmon. Eat some fucking salmon! It’s full of healthy fats! Come on, eat some egg whites for breakfast! Peanut butter? Only if you measure it!

9. This one time, I wore an embarrassing shirt to work and it was see-through and my boss saw it! Mortified!/This one time, I was “getting it on with my man” and his parents walked in! Mortified!

10. Sending a sexy text to your man will surely get him “fired up” for later tonight. Also getting him fired up? The 86 sex tips we will now tell you.

11. However, all of these 86 sex tips are just variations of: Reverse Cowgirl, something that you need a pillow to prop you up on, or an impossible angle that promises to hit your G-spot.

12. Reason #346 you should be on the pill has nothing to do with the fact that you might have unprotected sex. A lady never has unprotected sex. However, the adjacent advertisement is for Plan B.

13. Buy some fucking boots. Wear them with all the sundresses we encouraged you to buy and a ‘chunky’ sweater and BAM! Summer to fall wardrobe! Jazz hands, statement piece!

14. A great place to meet men is at sports bar. A great place to meet a man is in the park. Don’t ask men out. Don’t be afraid to approach men. Be confident. Be coy. Wear heels. Don’t be overly sexy. Bring girlfriends with you. Don’t bring too many girlfriends with you. A great conversation starter is ____. Be yourself. Here are smoky eye tips. What are lesbians?

15. Bikini waxes really hurt, but if you take Advil before it’s only as painful as getting hit on the face with an icepick. Not getting a bikini wax? Not an option, Chewbacca.

16. My boyfriend looks through my shit/never calls/is secretive/has job stress/sex issue. Should I break up with him? Here is my incredibly nice way of telling you you’re completely fucked, while also assuring you that your Prince Charming is totally out there.

17. Here’s another terrible STD you can die from. There aren’t any symptoms and absolutely no cure. Don’t worry, though. Only 1 in 4 men have it.

18. This is a somber photograph followed by a girl’s story about how a terrible, awful thing happened to her. Here is another story about a congress woman that made it in a man’s world! Here is a 28-year-old with a fashion business! Women don’t get paid as much, and third-world women have it harder. Because these are our serious pages! Followed by raunchy sex tales!

19. HA! You’re going to marry somebody just. like. your. dad.

20. To work out, all you need to do is squat with some pink weights, get a big ass exercise ball and do some half crunches. Don’t forget your kugels, and especially don’t forget your expensive workout sports bra.

21. Quiz: Are you too needy? What’s your first impression? What kind of ice cream are you? Which Vampire hottie is meant for you? What’s your sex position? When will you die?

22. Gratuitous pictures of All-American rugby players with their shirts off.

23. Horoscope shows you will be assertive at work and get some tail.

24. A reference to a Starbucks drink.

25. No fat chicks! But you know, love yourself.

Like sticking your hand in a bucket of tar and pulling out a diamond, The Jersey Shore has taught us beauty in things sticky and untouchable. On this most glorious of shows, we revel in watching eight men and women overcome incredible obstacles (dignity, venereal disease) and even fail at some (dignity, venereal diseases, the G.E.D exam twice).   

Being a single girl on the ever-present search for the guy of my dreams, I have finally smelled the alcohol-soaked rose under my nose. Because watching The Jersey Shore can hold the key that opens up a whole slew of dating advice/offends Italian-Americans. So beat the beat back ladies- you’re about to catch a man/fund your OB-GYN’s timeshare in the Vineyard.

1.  Make sure your boobs defy gravity

Isaac Newton might have had that apple fall on his head, but he couldn’t get a lady for shit. So forget everything you’ve heard about where breasts should lie- if your body doesn’t look like two softballs sitting on a cutting board, you’re going to be as single as the 5,000 ones you used to pay your plastic surgeon to get them that way. And if you’re wearing a bra that supports, forget it. Bras are like little hands that hold your breasts up to your neck. 

2. Disappoint any male influences you have in your life

Because when you finally bring home the man you want to marry to your family, nothing will fail to impress your brother/father/step-father/dogcatcher more than a pile of hair gel that’s donning a shirt with more sparkles than a Broadway show. So it’s best to just kind of cut ties now.

3. Dress like a porn star on her day off

After a long day shooting films such as “Inconception” and “Hard-Core Bitches 15,” you want a dress as comfortable and as flexible as you are! That’s why wearing lingerie is the obvious choice for a girl like you- think Victoria’s Secret kidnapped a slutty fairy! And if that’s not your jive, go to your local Wet Seal and buy the trashiest dress. Think licking a garbage bowl meets Ke$ha music video trashy. Then take that dress, light a cigarette, burn holes in it and cut it up with scissors. And go out looking like one hot babe!

4. GTL

Wait, that stands for gonorrhea, herpes, and loss of innocence, right?

{side note: you should just probably abandon all music taste now, but you know- enjoy laser lights and sweat.}

5. Embrace offensive/incorrect Italian-American stereotypes

Ehhhhhhh! Itsa the never-ending-ah pasta bowl at the Olive Garden! Forget being P.C.-it’s a Mac World and you’re a Mac Girl- so stop tip-toeing around those sterotypes and emulate them! Order your 75 cousins spray-tanning gift certificates (tip 5a: it’s sexy tiger orange/one shade away from sexy traffic cone), make your dad wear wifebeaters, and use hand motions when ordering ah-marinara sauce or ah-hit! It’s cool, you’re about as cultured as Yoplait!

6. Breakups aren’t hard to do: They’re repetitive plot points!

If Sam and Ronnie are an indication of anything, it’s that we can spend six episodes a season watching butter melt on a piece of toast/watch two boring athletic bodies argue. So don’t worry if your guy is cheating or has one nipple ring (he has one nipple ring, not two. ONE.)! Just flip your hair back and keep on keeping on- it’s a distraction while The Situation grabs the Roofies. 

7. Enjoy Doggie-style

Any other way and you’ve got six showers worth of hair product and bronzer. It’s best not to see this, anyway.

8. Be able to have sex with a guy called “The Situation”

LIke, really think about that. This is a guy who lifts his Affliction t-shirt up at a dance club so girls can stroke his chest. This is also a guy who shaves stars into his head. This is also a guy who is called The Situation. The last time I used that term, it was because I couldn’t have sex since I hadn’t shaved- “I can’t go through with it because of..you know..the situation down there.” So yeah. That. 

9. Be able to have sex with a guy who looks like he:

is a hedgehog that ate anabolic steroids and got radiation poisoning at an Express factory

10. Have the liver of a 75-year-old

Drinking is what can get you through this. Drinking. Just drink. Don’t comprehend. Drink. I don’t want you to see what you’ve become.