Woooooo it’s Saturday! Saturday is the cool night to go out and party and wear short outfits to crowded places! The shorter the hem, the smaller my self-esteem that evening! Anyway, before I head out to go and use cheap toilet paper in bar bathrooms and forget to close my tab, I thought I’d answer a question I received last night:

It appears I’m invisible. I mean, I know lots of nice menfolk that I wouldn’t mind smashing faces with but I’m either friend/sister material or completely see through to them. Have any advice for Ms. Cellophane over here?

Ah, being invisible to people I want to sleep with isn’t something I’m used to. Why? BECAUSE I FORCE YOU TO NOTICE ME. Because I usually shout and yell and make loud puns and high five them until they fall in love with me or at least give me a knuckle pound. I’m your dude, brah! I’m your brah, champ! I’m your champ, person who is no longer attracted to me! I know all about bro codes and I’m cute until I open my mouth. I literally make dick jokes to guys I have crushes on and that’s not even a lie! I thought that because I had boobs this would work really well, and I wish I could tell you that this works really well but guess what?

NOPE. NAH. NOOOPE. Now excuse me while I just put myself back into the ‘friend zone’ manila folder in the filing cabinet, huh? I’m guessing you get this, because you can’t actually be INVISIBLE. I’m guessing you’re more “how come people laugh at my jokes but nobody notices I have soft lips and freshly plucked eyebrows?”

This might be because you’re not slithering. Girls who slither around like liquid sex snakes and cock their eyebrows and smirk smugly and have breasts that lay just beneath their chin really get a lot of attention. People love looking at them, and having them bend over to pick up stuff they dropped. Oh, and girls who act all coy and wear loose-fitting florals and fill their eyes with mystery and lots of angsty song lyrics get a lot of play too. They curl up in ripped denim shorts with their thick hair and stare longingly out into the horizon with cigarettes. Their tattoos peep out and they don’t get red lipstick on their teeth. They find people with ear gauges who will hold them to their ribcages and people will take Polaroids of that and it’ll get reblogged on Tumblr. And, of course, there are the girls who are super bubbly and giggle at everything and wear sweater sets and know how to knit and make really good cupcakes or whatever. These were always the girls who go out with lots of guys and girls and always had flings and long-term relationships and I’d be like “oh man I have a hot ass date with FOOD NETWORK later jealllousss” And I feel oh so womp womp sad for myself.

But I talked to my friend who is always in relationships, and my friend who can go out in a corset and people will still take her seriously. And I talked to the girl who makes bomb cheesecake or looks good in all pictures. And they get the shit on the end of the stick, too. They get dumped and upset and it’s really all the same because most people we want to suck on are assholes and most people we want to smash face with are just as lameo and insecure as we are. Just statistics, DUDES. It always sucks! Don’t worry about them!

My point is this: you want to make out with somebody? Take it from one of my smartest and coolest best friends. She told me “all you gotta do to make out with somebody is cross your legs towards them and smile.” This works. Especially if you drink enough to do this without being sarcastic about it. Which is a total DEFENSE YEAH??!?! You know when you’re at the point where you go stare at your reflection and make cocky ass ‘i’m too sexy’ faces at yourself? It’s not that hard to make out with people. You can really do that with most anybody if you shit grin at them enough and stop being so terrified of rejection or losing inhibitions. It’s Saturday! What happens on Saturday stays in Saturday because mostly nobody remembers.

However, my double point is this, Ms. Cellophane: I promise if you put yourself out there enough and by enough I mean a tiny, tiny bit, you can mack it with most anyone. Easy. But-and I’m about to slather Boursin Cheese over this whole damn post-remember that you being the way you are is shot-worthy awesome and not worth adjusting. Odds are, somebody will eventually say ‘oh yeah I don’t want to be friends with her I want to make out with her face all the time for a long time’ and you’ll forget all the times you felt invisible. IMMA DO ME FO’ NOW, BITCHEZ. And it’ll be great, and by great I mean “bring up a whole NEW set of problems that you will be annoyed and upset about.” And if a girl who makes dick jokes to guys she has crushes on can believe that, well, I sure hope you can. High five? Anybody?

Ever read that article “How To Spice Up Your Sex Life?” Yeah, me too. In fact, I’ve read it 3,000 times, dating all the way back to before I even started having sex. Besides the usual “shave yourself into geometric shapes and patterns,” or “blow on some part of his body I had not known existed until now” fodder, there was always talk of some object or item I should bring into the bedroom with me that would totally blow his mind. I no longer want to hear of these items, ladies, and I will tell you why:

1. Stiletto Heels

 Oh, sure. Considering that I can’t even walk fifty feet in these monster beasts without ripping the outer layer of my skin off, I definitely see no problem bringing them into the sack with me. Nothing better than a good ole sex blister! Besides, nothing feels more comfortable and womb-like than sharp heels on your naked skin. Question: what if I lose my balance and stab him to death? What if I fall in the wrong way and he dies?! WILL YOU BE HAPPY THEN, COSMO?! WILL YOU FINALLY BE HAPPY?!

2. Whipped Cream: So I was having whipped cream the other day, and it got on my fingers. So then, it melted and smeared and left a sticky layer of grease on me. Then I saw a child and the child was like “oh man I love whipped cream because I am a child!” Totally got me in the mood.

3. Office Attire: For some reasons, guys like it if you do it in some of your work clothes. This means you are super-excited and can’t control yourself in order to wait to remove your clothes like a human being. I personally think it’s because your boyfriend is particularly into Ann Taylor. Perhaps to him, nothing is hotter than a very special Gap sale. Let me tell you something: when I leave work, sweating for eight hours in button-downs with pieces of Quizno bread on the collar, the first thing I want to do is get out of those clothes. I will not hike up the pencil skirt I wore while squatting over the office bathroom stall. I just won’t.

4. A Vibrator: Let me tell you something. My O face with you is very different from my O face by myself. I will spare you the details, of course. Also, I will not cheat on my vibrator, okay? She knows me more than you do!

5. Fishnet Tights:

So at this point, the only girls who wear fishnet tights are hookers, emo scene girls that wear them on their arms, and girls who are sexy French maids for Halloween. I don’t want to look like any of these girls, I want to look like myself. And myself is a girl who wears Spanxx with certain skirts I wear shut up it creates the perfect silhouette. Anyway, I don’t have a particular disgust for fishnet tights, really, but I do have an aversion to anything that my big toe keeps slipping out of as I try to put them on. So that’s a no.

5. Scented Candles: I know this says it creates a mood. I say it smells like things in my mom’s house. Here’s a thought for you: vanilla smells like cookies. Cinnamon smells like cookies. Flower candles smell like dryer sheets. My mom reminds me of laundry and baked goods. COME ON.

6. Blindfolds: I’m sorry, but in this day and age, you can never be too careful. How many Lifetime movies/Dateline specials/subway posters have the tagline “How well do you know the person You Sleep With?” The only time I’ve seen blindfolds being used are in scary movies. I’m sorry, buddy, we might have been dating for three years, but I’m not going to “rev you up” by being your stab pillow. I’m not paranoid, okay? Why? Who’s asking?!

7. Chocolate Syrup: Well, this one is an on-the-fencer for me, actually. There’s nothing hotter than your bedroom sheets look like they’ve been the part of a day old crime scene. There’s nothing hotter than half the recipe for chocolate milk. Listen, I don’t know who you people are, but if you are bringing any kind of food in the bedroom because you can’t stand to even taste your partner’s flesh, I suggest being alone with a large pint of ice cream. Believe me, looking back on some of my past partners, it’s not always the worst idea.

8. Furry Handcuffs:

I don’t get it. You’re clearly not going for realism with these, so what? Is the fur part supposed to be sexy? Like, the skin of a Care Bear is supposed to turn me on? There is no justice to be had in these handcuffs of thine. And that’s what handcuffs are for, according to NYPD Blue.

9. Sexy Playlists: You know what? I don’t want to have sex to “Your Body is a Wonderland.” My body isn’t a wonderland. There are no talking flowers or Cheshire Cats on my body. Also, I don’t want to hear Justin Timberlake, because I listen to him in my car and my grandmother knows who he is. I don’t want to bring my grandmother into this.

10. Ice Cubes: Good christ, you are not putting an ice cube near there. That is so cold! For fuck’s sake, dude, I am not your lukewarm lemonade. 

Women’s magazines are expensive. In this economy, I can’t just throw 5 dollars out the window to read 8 discreet ways to have sex in public or what Lauren Conrad’s doing with her hair lately. I know you guys get it. Luckily, I’ve read enough of these gems in the past to describe every issue ever being released this month and the next. Read on and YOU’RE WELCOME:

1. Jennifer Aniston is really hot but she is also very pathetic. We want to have her hairstyle and her arms, but only to carry on her legacy when she dies alone.

2. Red Lipstick doesn’t make you look like a whore. It makes you look like a Southern grandmother, a mid-twenties hipster, or an elegant whore.

3. Know your face shape. Face shapes include: oval, slight oval, circle, and Tyra Banks. This face shape will help you determine the correct sunglasses to buy, haircuts to get, and how many ugly children you might have.

4. Metallics are back this season! 

5. When going out to dinner, you must order grilled chicken with dressing on the side. You may have one bite of dessert and only one. But don’t restrict yourself or anything. Now, here is a 500 calorie cocktail called “THE CARRIE.”

6. Buying a stupid little throw pillow is a cheap sexy way to decorate your shitty apartment. Throw some glass marble shit in a vase, too. That’ll help.

7. There are four ways to dress: Romantic florals, Urban Chic, Classic with an Edgy Twist, and wearing your boyfriends t-shirt is sexy.

8. You need to eat salmon. Eat some fucking salmon! It’s full of healthy fats! Come on, eat some egg whites for breakfast! Peanut butter? Only if you measure it!

9. This one time, I wore an embarrassing shirt to work and it was see-through and my boss saw it! Mortified!/This one time, I was “getting it on with my man” and his parents walked in! Mortified!

10. Sending a sexy text to your man will surely get him “fired up” for later tonight. Also getting him fired up? The 86 sex tips we will now tell you.

11. However, all of these 86 sex tips are just variations of: Reverse Cowgirl, something that you need a pillow to prop you up on, or an impossible angle that promises to hit your G-spot.

12. Reason #346 you should be on the pill has nothing to do with the fact that you might have unprotected sex. A lady never has unprotected sex. However, the adjacent advertisement is for Plan B.

13. Buy some fucking boots. Wear them with all the sundresses we encouraged you to buy and a ‘chunky’ sweater and BAM! Summer to fall wardrobe! Jazz hands, statement piece!

14. A great place to meet men is at sports bar. A great place to meet a man is in the park. Don’t ask men out. Don’t be afraid to approach men. Be confident. Be coy. Wear heels. Don’t be overly sexy. Bring girlfriends with you. Don’t bring too many girlfriends with you. A great conversation starter is ____. Be yourself. Here are smoky eye tips. What are lesbians?

15. Bikini waxes really hurt, but if you take Advil before it’s only as painful as getting hit on the face with an icepick. Not getting a bikini wax? Not an option, Chewbacca.

16. My boyfriend looks through my shit/never calls/is secretive/has job stress/sex issue. Should I break up with him? Here is my incredibly nice way of telling you you’re completely fucked, while also assuring you that your Prince Charming is totally out there.

17. Here’s another terrible STD you can die from. There aren’t any symptoms and absolutely no cure. Don’t worry, though. Only 1 in 4 men have it.

18. This is a somber photograph followed by a girl’s story about how a terrible, awful thing happened to her. Here is another story about a congress woman that made it in a man’s world! Here is a 28-year-old with a fashion business! Women don’t get paid as much, and third-world women have it harder. Because these are our serious pages! Followed by raunchy sex tales!

19. HA! You’re going to marry somebody just. like. your. dad.

20. To work out, all you need to do is squat with some pink weights, get a big ass exercise ball and do some half crunches. Don’t forget your kugels, and especially don’t forget your expensive workout sports bra.

21. Quiz: Are you too needy? What’s your first impression? What kind of ice cream are you? Which Vampire hottie is meant for you? What’s your sex position? When will you die?

22. Gratuitous pictures of All-American rugby players with their shirts off.

23. Horoscope shows you will be assertive at work and get some tail.

24. A reference to a Starbucks drink.

25. No fat chicks! But you know, love yourself.

Forget all those boring articles about “how to know when to leave your significant other” (Quick Answer: he’s abusive or you can get somebody more attractive). It’s easy to pull an ‘I need to be alone right now’ move on somebody you’ve played pelvis hockey with for two months. It’s harder, however, to leave a friend. Friends have ammo. Friends know you drank nine Coors Lights, ate an entire bag of Baked Lays, and vomited into a pillowcase on your 22nd birthday. However, some friends also like to watch “Dancing with the Stars” You have to weigh your options. Take this handy quiz to find out what to do:

1. Your friend is on Team: 

a. Coco

b. Edward

c. Gibson

2. You go out with your friend for lunch. She orders:

a. A PBR pitcher. After that’s cashed, you order nachos. Then you go to work or class a tiny bit day drunk.

b. A salad with low-fat ranch dressing and a light beer on tap. She eats half your fries. 

c. A salad. No cheese, dressing on the side, oh, and an iced tea no sugar. It’s “bikini season” in eighteen weeks and she-and you-better start thinking about shaping up.

3. It’s Tuesday night! What is your friend watching?

a. Intervention On Demand, Some baby show on TLC, or whatever terrible television trash she can get her hands on. Maybe reading, or something. The next day, you suspect you hear the Hulu guy’s voice and what you think might be Glee coming from her laptop, but you can never confirm this.

b. Glee, of course! However, she turns down the volume when the musical numbers are up.

c. GLEE GLEE GLEE OMG GLEEKING OUT

4. The movie she wants to see this weekend:

a. I mean, she’s kind of curious about Easy A, and it’s not like she would say no to The Town. But a movie tickets costs 9 dollars, and she’s not going on a date with you, so why don’t we just watch 10 Things I Hate About You and eat slabs of cheese?

b. The Town, but only because she still believes in Ben Affleck’s star power.

c. Devil

5. If your friend was a co-host of The View, who would she be? 

a. Whoopi Goldberg because she was The Hyena in The Lion King.

b. Joy Behar because she wants to go through menopause with absolutely no grace or dignity.

c. The one that hates the gays?

6. You and your friend go to a bar. What happens?

a. You people watch, pretend you are British schoolteachers but only for about six minutes before it gets stupid, and contemplate doing karaoke.

b. She yells at you until you do a shot and flirts with two or three guys that are around her, but only so they buy you both a drink.

c. She leaves you for the coke-head who has a pompadour. Apologizes profusely tomorrow, then asks for relationship advice.

7. What Disney Princess would your friend be?

a. Mulan because she’s kickass, or maybe Ariel, but only because your friend is a mermaid.

b. Belle. Kind of a daddy’s girl, but she’s also French, so that’s a plus.

c. That helmet-head skank bitch Snow White.

8. Lionel Richie? 

a. Once

b. Twice

c. Three times, a lady

9. What do you think your friend will be for Halloween?

a. Something really awesome she came up with in September or something she threw together the night before.

b. She’s asked me thirty-five times if she looks like Sookie from True Blood or if she should go ahead and just make that hairbow now.

c. Something slutty that gained six pounds since last year

10. If you could you would:

a. You would totally hang out with her right now.

b. make out with her boyfriend or maybe tell her she’ll never have a music career.

c. turn her into a demon so you could get away with stabbing her in the heart and destroying her legacy. If that’s not possible, electrocute her enough to kill the part of her brain that makes her such a stupid trashy piece of trailer.

Answer key:

a. she should probably dump you

b. She’s kind of okay. Leave it to fate: betray her and see if she sticks around.

c. Set her on fire. Go on, do it.

When I mentioned the book The DaVinci Code in a post the other day, I didn’t expect to feel such a a heavy wave of nostalgia. Gone are the glory days of the book every middle-aged person read before The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Why, when I was younger, popular books read by dentists and soccer moms defiled the name of Jesus Christ! They didn’t just (I don’t know what Tattoo is about) let older men fancy dance around a mysterious foreign girl with secrets and combat boots! I did read The DaVinci code. If you haven’t, I think this guy with graying temples ran around boring parts of Europe being like “Eff this Bible, son! I’m gonna solve these puzzles and prove it wrong, because I want to make a bunch of people terribly lost! Oh, look a gun!” However, Dan’s kind of old hat now. I still want to make fun of him though, because he’s still fun to make fun of. Luckily, since giving up writing, he has this wonderful advice column that I may or may not have made up! Well, his responses are real, at least.

Dear Dan: 

My boyfriend and I get along great, but something weird happened the other day. I asked him to tell me something he’s never told anyone before, and he said “Everybody’s entitled to their secrets.” I disagree, and now I feel suspicious about what he’s hiding! Am I being irrational?

-Kari, 22, Michigan

Dear Kari:

Don’t tell anyone, but on the pagan day of the Sun God Ra, I kneel at the foot of an ancient instrument of torture and consume ritualistic symbols of blood and flesh. 

Hope that helps,

Dan

Dear Dan:

I’ve gone on a few dates with this guy and I really like him. I want to ask him “where we’re at” but it’s so hard to communicate your feelings with men without them thinking we’re coming on too strong. Any hints on how to approach this in a language guys will understand?

-Sara, 19, Boston

“الخوف يقرّب الناس من الله” 
— Dan Brown (ملائكة وشياطين)

Dear Dan: 

We’re a pop-punk band that totally used to be popular, but pesky Paramore totally stole all our fans. We’re looking for a catchy title for our next single. Got any ideas? I know this isn’t love advice, but we thought we’d give it a try!

-Panic at the Disco

Dear Panic:

The only difference between you and God is that you have forgotten you are divine

Dear Dan: 

I’m kind of interested in pursuing a relationship with one of my closest friends. However, I’m hesitant to do so because he’s a writer. I usually wouldn’t have a problem with that, except that they’re mostly poorly written religious blasphemy. Not that I’m super religious or anything, but it’s kind of like James Patterson sold his soul to the devil in order to find success doing  mediocre literature about cathedrals. It’s also really weird for a book that’s so God-heavy-handed to be written in omniscient point of view. Kind of like he himself has a God-complex. Help?

-A Lot of People

Dear A Lot of People:

The woman didn’t seem to care. She seized one of the heavy ring-shaped handles, heaved it backward, and let it fall with a loud crash against the door. Then she did it again. And again. And again. 
Wow, the homeless man thought, she must really need a book.

Regards,

Dan