What I’d (Rather) Do In My Bed Than Have Sex

  • not have to worry about if there is hair on the back of my knees or my upper thighs or any place creepy
  • not have to worry about ingrown hairs looking like diseased spider eggs about to crawl out of me
  • think about having sex with an attractive celebrity
  • think about having sex with some guy I probably won’t end up having sex with
  • get sort of grossed out about some guy I did have sex with
  • wear this oversized t-shirt  and not have to take it off. If you’re interested I have this collection of large t-shirts and they all make me look equally ‘sexy’
  • decide to tweeze my eyebrows in bed and accidentally tweeze one of them too high so I always look like a cocky smart ass
  • sit in front of my fan because it’s as hot as the inside of somebody’s armpit on a subway
  • read a book and expand my knowledge of the wizarding world
  • Think this over and over again: I mean I LIKE sex sometimes, but do you mean to tell me people just LOVE doing it all the time? Instead of drooling on their pillow? You mean people just genuinely love to grind their parts all over each other ALL THE TIME?
  • eat this lemon sorbet I bought and get it all over my comforter, use my finger to lick lemon sticky crap off my comforter
  • watch True Blood and audibly gasp whenever anybody keeps their shirt on that is NOT what I watch it for
  • spread eagle on my bed and scratch furiously at my stomach while my huge tshirt is hiked up, I probably look just like Clementine from Eternal Sunshine when I do that because I am attractive and insane
  • examine my bug bites like I am the world’s greatest doctor
  • roll up and down my bed like a puppy who don’t give a fuck
  • G-Chat my friend about how she thinks she’s pregnant and then realize how pregnant I am not
  • wonder what’s underneath my left pinky fingernail, wonder when I had the time to stick my hand in dirty
  • ponder if I will get up early enough to make myself an egg sandwich
  • hysterically laugh because I will never, ever get up early to leave my comfortable bed fort
  • tie and retie my hair in a ponytail like that OCD person I saw on True Life
  • use my computer until I need to recharge it but the computer is so far away that I can’t do that so I must let it go, I must let it die now
  • use moisturizer on my legs as to keep away the lizard scales
  • think about how terrible Sex and the City 2 was
  • wonder how many people are having sex in their own beds and realize how Amelie that makes me for thinking that
  • sit in a bed not drenched in the sweat of coital lust
  • not have to spread my legs in uncomfortable positions so things can be stuck inside me all willy nilly
  • not have to say things like ‘oh yeah, you like that?’ even though you don’t really give a fuck if they like it or not
  • contemplate if the lightness of being is bearable or unbearable
  • decide that my neighbors who live above me are either having sex or throwing their dog
  • not have somebody pull my hair because sometimes I hear the rips and think ew what if I have a bald spot forever, because I didn’t wait till marriage?
  • stare at my Hanes underwear, realize I have 0-1 pair of sexy underwear and that one pair is a lace thong and I think I use it to tie my ponytail
  • be a child of God
  • not have to smell the gross sinful smell of con-doms
  • not go to bed covered in a thin slime
  • curl up in the fetal position and cry hysterically about something
  • ponder why my heels in the summer begin to look like old lady heels
  • not have to worry about getting a UTI
  • not stick people’s parts in my mouth
  • hydrate! Apparate!
  • Go to sleep
  • ‘masturbate’ and by that I mean just kind of fall asleep

Posted 10 months ago
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    I’d change some of these, but overall, pretty neat (think you have to click prev link to see the whole thing, and well...
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    most brilliant blogs I’ve found
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