Thirsty? Bored? Sad? FRIDAY?!?! You probably need a drink. Today I went to a bar and climbed over the bar and said ‘gimme it’ like Gizmo the Gremlin, all grabby and adorable. The bartender was like ‘you have to choose one’ and I said ‘Huh? What? All?’ and then I drooled on the bar. I don’t like making decions, first of all. I try to never, ever make them about anything. For example, if we eat at the place that you chose for dinner, I will silently brood over my veggie wontons and wish plague o’ both your houses because I wanted the tacos. But if I had chosen that taco place, I would just end up flinging the taco meat at you like a monkey in a caged zoo who is unhappy. Read: I can never be satisfied. So if you’re like me and unsure of what to drink one night, I’ve made a handy questionare to help make the process easier.

DO YOU:

• want to beat the crap out of everything
• need to get out your rage issues in explosive ways
• feel like you are a stupid beat poet or some sort of ‘well-read’ smart ass because you read Tom Robbbinnnns and understood maybe 3 sentences out of those books, those books were insane I need the acid why were they so insane
• feel like you are bad-to-the bone type who wears pleather jackets and has a lighter in their skinny jeans pocket
• lol reading references, so smart!
• tough! so tough! so many bad, painful relationships!
• need to chain-smoke while staring out at the horizon 

ANSWER: WHISKEY

• want to feel like an old man on a stoop? Well, not the kind of old-timey racism dude, the kind of old man who wears tweed and smells like vanilla cigars and buys a lot of gentle and delicious shortbread cookies/misses his dead wife. I saw Up. I know.
• want to feel like you are munching on the evergreen tree, like a squirrel in a magical Christmas story and he finds the presents and saves Christmas, because Christmas in children’s books is always in dire need of saving.
• need a ‘usual’ drink at a bar that doesn’t sound too stupid
• need to be an intellectual who slowly sips things while staring at the idiot masses, and if you had a pipe you would suck on that and just be like ‘why was I born in this place?’

ANSWER: GIN

• want to get so totally drunk with your girls, let’s just go all out and forget him! Forget her! Wanna borrow my cleavage glitter?
• feel like ‘taking shots’ will somehow alleviate the pain of a break-up that much more? 
• feel the need to dry hump everybody you see ever
• want to graduate from rum
• party dance party dance to Lady Gaga dance dance

ANSWER: VODKA

• hey, you! Want to drink a FROZEN DRINK because you can’t actually stomach anything that tastes like booze, and strawberries taste like Strawberry Shortcake and I miss my childhood
• want to vomit in a trash can just like college? or just be generally in college
• need a tropical drink because it’s so cold you feel like maybe your ass could fall of somewhere in your pants
• underaged and haven’t had a bad experience yet with the po po/the RAs/the toilet

ANSWER: RUM

• I’M VOMITING CAN’T ANSWER HERE I AM VOMITING
• margaritas lol I can do it I can do it

ANSWER: TEQUILA

• need a delicious thing that doesn’t get you drunk but makes you feel full
• craving some sort of booze with dinner
• are you casually watching the NBC lineup with your friends
• have had too much hard liquor but still need to drink
• day drinking

ANSWER: BEER

• HIPPIE
• FRENCH
• ALCOHOLIC

ANSWER: ABSINTHE

• Real Housewife
• Popping Xanax
• light-weight lush
• need to drink with your aunt on the beach
• want to eat candy but get drunk

ANSWER: WHITE WINE

• watch too many movies about Spain
• need to make important life-changing decision about yourself over cigarettes
• need to prove to your parents you can drink things
• need to get drunk at a family event
• drinking by yourself, are we?

ANSWER: RED WINE

• weirdo
• who drinks this

ANSWER: LIQUEUR

• insane?
• really, really, insane?
• love doing stupid ass shit?

ANSWER: FOUR LOKO

• want to make out with everybody
• drunk text all you have hooked up with
• make relatively hilarious but bad decisions
• end up buying food 
• or other things you can’t afford
• smoke a cigarette even though you don’t smoke
• start high-fiving people
• be so cool
• be really really cool

ANSWER: ALL THE BOOZE