An Artist’s Depiction of a Vagina

It’s been a while since I checked out the Cosmopolitan website and lately I’ve been experiencing some noticeable withdrawal symptoms. For example, it’s been days since I have heartily cried while eating grilled chicken in my Skechers Shape-Ups! Katy Perry’s boobs have stopped empowering me! I’ve stopped running around trying to rub silk scarves and ice cubes on everybody’s genitalia! I’m lost. Which is why I’m glad the first article I saw on the homepage of this Internet Journalistic Home Run was: Everything You Need To Know About Your Vagina. I breathed a heavily lip glossed sigh of relief, threw my cat down the garbage chute, and sprayed my apartment with Glade Fuschia Enchantments. This was going to be a night of learning and I needed a tranquil and quiet environment. At this point, there were three things I knew about my vagina

Things I Know About My Vagina:

• it’s there.
• gross.
• get away!

I was excited to learn more, and I was sure Cosmo would be the one who filled my mind with a fountain of vagina information. There was a brief time I considered naming my vagina Sally Field, but then I realized it could never live up to her powerful performance in Forrest Gump. I digress. Here, I put some of Cosmo’s very original pearls of wisdom along with some of my own:

1. Vaginas generally look alike: At one point or another, your vagina has seen the movie Fight Club and knows it is not a unique snowflake, and that if you just line up a bunch of them you won’t even be able to remember their names and you’ll have to either slap a nametag on them or just call them all ‘buddy.’
2. Will always be a slut for Leo in Titanic.
3. Sometimes, your lady parts consider spending the 7.99 a month to get a subscription to Hulu Plus, because it can sometimes be such a stupid pointless bitch.
4. It’s walls are pleated: This was in the Cosmo article, and I really have no idea what this means except I’ve concluded that my vagina is a pair of khakis. Which sucks, because khakis are the kinds of pants math teachers wear. You know, because they really look great in seventh grade algebra classrooms and also quietly and sadly hitting on well-meaning lotion saleswomen in dive bars.
5. It’s teeming with bacteria: I’ve always said vaginas are yogurt, because they are full of bacteria and if you leave them out in the sun eventually a new species and race of vagina monsters will take over the world because they have grown a seventh sense (empowerment!) Also, not as good as ice cream.
6. The beloved play Little Shop of Horrors is how you should feel about your vagina. It WILL get very powerful and eat nerds, but it’s got a soothing voice.
7. favorite drink: vodka lemonades favorite food: breathable underwear. Kind of wants to purchase a Magic Bullet blender, because restaurant style nachos in 3 minutes is something everybody should really find appealing. 
8. only itchy in public
9. Sex is nice and all, but so is just placing your vagina on some sort of couch thing and watching hours of movies where attractive people have functional love lives and it’s not like you’re lonely it’s just that always being alone is kind of my favorite thing to do right now.
10. If you order something with olives at a restaurant and the olives have pits, it will kill your entire family.
11. If you touch it, don’t grab at it like you are a kid trying to grab at all the toys. Treat it like a moody lap dog that will either enjoy you or rip off our index finger in its mouth. Nice. Be nice.
12. No such thing as a clitoris, just the marble with the universe in it like that cat Orion wore in Men in Black.
13. No such thing as your period, that’s just the demon living inside you bleeding out and grabbing hold of your soul.
14. Sure, you can pop a baby out of it, but you can’t pop a baby back into it so when the dumbass is running around watching Lamb Chop and pooping on itself remember why you should use condoms.
15. “Your vagina is not a black hole.” Cosmopolitan magazine, you shut the fuck up right now and win all of the journalism awards forever.
16. Stop saying vaginas smell like fish. They smell like beef jerky and a Yankee Candle thats supposed to resemble the scent of the wind. I have grossed myself out now.
17. There’s nothing in the rulebooks that says a vagina can’t play basketball.