When I was 18 and went to college, the demon jokesters came up from hell on the Lindsay Lohan horse and decided to make leggings popular. I remember them being sold at Target for 6.99 and thinking ‘oh wow I really need another reason to show off the glorious silhouette of my ass crack today.’ And I bought some, because girls with Juicy Couture tops and side-ponytails always looked so hungover when they were late for class in them! Cool! I’ll be like you, Ashely Ms. ‘What is Social Studies?’

Anyway, almost six years later and now they’re fucking everywhere. Casually hanging off the vaginas of girls going to Forever 21 to find the perfect ‘bubble cocktail dress.’ Meeting up at the corner of Thighs and Slight Bit of Ankle Showing. Dry humping a wifebeater and a Victoria’s Secret sweatshirt at the college kegger. I’m going to be honest with you here: I have about four pairs of leggings and I wear them on the regular. I don’t give a fuck WHAT you think. I am still obviously cool when I wear them because I happen to wear them with my sweet leather jacket that is badass. (Fact: my leather jacket has pins of pie, Magic Hat, and Gizmo from the Gremlins on it. It is not badass.)

The point is, I wear them because they are acceptable to wear and I kind of hate pants. Fuck pants! The minute I get home I rip off my pants and say I’m not going to take it anymore. So sometimes, when the weather is cool, you can’t just NOT WEAR PANTS, so there are leggings and this is how I fight the pants revolution. However, there are still some obvious questions that enter my mind when I am about to the leggings as pants terror dungeon. The most pointed question is this:

Will you be able to see my vagina? Will you know it’s innermost secrets simply when I walk down the street? 

This brings up the only rule of wearing legging of pants: cover up your damn ass. 

 Listen. I dig the leggings trend sometimes. I wear leggings as pants with long shirts and dresses. I do NOT wear them with skirts because what’s wrong with tights? Why would you want to wear leggings and socks instead of tights? What are you, the fucking ‘access to laundry God?’ 

Anyway, back to the number one rule of leggings and covering your ass: Don’t show your ass. NOBODY WANTS TO SEE YOUR ASS EXCEPT PERVERTS AND FRAT BOYS. This is a family establishment, why do you think I want to see the the outline of your butt in cotton and spandex? I do NOT want to see your butthole, and you should know that people can see it because leggings are like the saran wrap of all clothings. A saran wrap that is attracted to butt things and crotch things.  I also do not want to see your crotch. Do you think your crotch is prettier than mine? Mine is just really nice, never did nothing to nobody. News flash: I can totally see the outline of your rising-from-the-phoenix vagina, trying to claw its way out of oppressive pants. And it’s gross. Other newsflash: I don’t want to see your butt, because MINE is so great. Stop showing off. It’s gross.

So wear a shirt that is long enough to cover yourself. And then I won’t pelt you with rock things when you wear leggings next time.