Today Fucking Sucks

Today really fucking sucks. 

And I know that I’m not supposed to think these things because I have a roof over my head, and I have my whole face and oh my GOD, I turn on the news and I cannot believe how stupid and awful people are, but today is still the worst. I mean, it’s not BAMBI hearing his mother get shot bad, it’s more like “I am Rachel McAdams and I got into a car accident that made me forget Channing Tatum was my husband” bad. Inconvenient, even though you know it will all eventually be turn out fine. 

Even the news of Justin Timberlake’s return to music can’t get me into a better mood, because I’ve been telling him to do it for YEARS and to find out via stupid Twitter video and not a personal Edible Arrangement with a NOTE is somewhat disappointing, to say the least. Even the news that Beyonce is GQ Human of the Century doesn’t make me feel good, because sometimes I hear her interviews and worry that I wouldn’t really get along with her if we met in person. Like, you have a museum to YOURSELF, Bey? I have eight old mascaras I keep in my drawer, what will we talk about?

Anyway, my day is bad because things that suck happen ALWAYS, but the older I get the less “safety net” there is and it’s just ME, really. My parents can give advice, but it’s not really their problem. No “twenty-something” blog post will do anything for me but make me cough out a hairball at the computer screen. No “we moved to New York” millenial bullshit will make me joyously pour one out and revel in the days I can get drunk and barf on my Mac. I am trying to find a full-time job, and it is a Goblet of Fire maze that consists of how hard it is to write a cover letter/an extremely sordid and incredibly depressing look at my paper accomplishments. I am trying to pay my rent and also have stupid desires like the want to build a wardrobe with an incredible amount of nautical stripes. Fitted blazers. Statement necklaces. Chambray, even. I would like to afford a dinner item with “truffle” and not “bean” in the word. It would be nice to go on a vacation to somewhere other than my friend’s apartment, and it’s these latent desires that make me realize I am evolving past my “just satisfied with a two-dollar bottle of wine and a box of Annie’s mac” into something that requires more moolah. Dough, and not pizza. I want more money to buy books and do things to my kitchen and get lattes, and I want that money doing something that makes me feel like my heart isn’t being Roomba’d through my mouth.  I want better moisturizer. I want to begin my life.

Wanting MORE is certainly the cause of my bad mood—and I know this because I don’t feel the same way I do when I carry a burrito home only eight blocks and it gets the ‘rrito all soggy. I feel worse than that. Not worse in the way that I did when I was at my parent’s house and watched almost an hour of The Kardashians. I spent the next couple of days quelling the desire to put foundation on my entire body and considering how to make myself glow. Definitely not worse than that. That’s more of an “eternal soul” thing, and I’ll deal with that when I’m dead. Here’s what the truth is:

I feel like I want to live somewhat roomier than month-to-month, and I feel like I want to spread out my hands like wings and do something important with my life, and I feel like now is the time I am supposed to be doing all of these things.

Right now, I think! Right NOW, even though today is a Thursday and I should be complaining about the things I used to complain about, like how my tummy protruded just slightly over my jeans, or that my Diet Cranberry Ginger Ale was flat, or that there is a group of high-school girls on YouTube who have like 200,000 followers because they show their viewers what they bought at Forever21. I still complain about those things, of course. Right now, I have a real beef with Food Network because every time a cooking host has one of their nieces on to bake with them, it reads as an uncomfortable family dynamic.

But now, I want real things. Things that make me feel older, less like the girl who primarily impressed people by fitting her whole fist in her mouth. More like this hybrid adult-child baby, who just recently started keeping her socks matched in one drawer. Who is currently wearing puppy slippers. I’m talkin’ working late on a project that I get paychecks for but really means something. I’m talkin’ taking my mom to a stupidly expensive dinner. I might be young, but days are passing and it’s motherfucking game time. So I will try to get them. I am running out of money, I think, and I need to start a career, and I need to do all the things I dreamed about doing when I was 18 and more motivated and in college. I need to stop making excuses and I need to start making real things happen.

And yes, like Rachel McAdams finally realizing that she loved the FrankenStripper, things will be fine. I will settle for Campbell’s Artisan Soups and kind-of-fitting blazers for now. I will settle for too-late nights for too-little pay. Anne Hathway shrieked and starved her way into an Oscar nod, and she was in that shithouse of a movie Ella Enchanted. I will begin to make my fucking mark. And yes, today fucking sucked because I set a dishtowel on fire and bit one of my nails off and biting it felt so, so good even though I quit biting fingernails. And mostly, today fucking sucked because I’m getting older a little bit. 

So I will do what any adult will do. 

I will pour myself a glass of wine in a Shrek cup. I will eat a piece of American cheese standing by the fridge. I will dance to music in my underwear and pay my bills. I will aim for the sky and SNL and Pulitzer Peace Prizes. I will take my pen out of the bottom drawer and write a to-do list in the journal with my vampire doodles in it. And I will get through today, and I will get through tomorrow, and I will start becoming the person I always thought I could be. 

  1. 1ynne reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    How I feel about life
  2. heavyheartsconcretefeet reblogged this from heavyheartsconcretefeet and added:
    This is still how I feel about life.
  3. trapgodshawty reblogged this from thefrenemy
  4. smithsquee reblogged this from jmrz
  5. curatingcourtney reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    THIS.
  6. evolhasmorepower reblogged this from ktdktdkjd
  7. everythingelseisstellar reblogged this from thefrenemy
  8. biehls reblogged this from thefrenemy
  9. ktdktdkjd reblogged this from velocipedestrienne
  10. a-nice-heart reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    Literally everything...right now. Well, maybe...internship...
  11. velocipedestrienne reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    having. Just, like, someone come hook
  12. mandamandawho reblogged this from thefrenemy
  13. koalasloverain reblogged this from athenasaurus
  14. thekarmamonster reblogged this from thefrenemy