Things I Have Already Learned In 2013

and therefore have almost nothing to learn for the rest of the year

  • when getting your New Years makeup on, the eight kinds of brown/taupe/copper/a kind of brown called virgin/another kind of brown called slut/shimmery eye makeup you layer in and around the general creases just end up looking like. fucking. brown.
  • image<——brown, you vain fucking LOSER (my macbook selfie, bitchezzzz)
  • if there is a hell, it is just a long line outside a bar where the group next to you is “VIP” so they get in ahead of you but they are just a bunch of braggy ass suburban teenagers wearing North Face jackets and you know they have fake IDs and one of them pulls out a COKE BAGGY and when you were 18 you wore granny panties and you still do. The devil refills their Poland Spring water bottles with Ketel and laughs, you are 24 and you can only afford Smirnoff and the devil laughs and laughs
  • Watching Ben Affleck in Jersey Girl makes you fall in love with him all over again
  • The greatest challenge of your life is on January 1st: turning off any kind of television marathon and doing something OTHER than buying a sandwich and slopping the mayonnaise all over your Christmas-themed pajama pants. Look, though! Look how young WIlliam Shanter looks in the Twilight Zone!
  • This hairspray is the goddamn best hairspray known to mankind. Sure, it makes your hair feel like a flammable ball of weeds in the morning, and the day after you actually learn the definition of “rat’s nest” and half-expect little rat babies with wings to fly out of it and eat off your face, but the four hours you go out in it? It makes your hair look like Goddamn Carrie Bradshaw’s when she really embraces her curls. Preach.
  • Getting up early after a vacation is the worst fucking thing and one time a doctor had to stab a needle into my cornea and so I know what the hell I am talking about
  • If you thought you sang a lot of I Dreamed a Dream, just fucking watch Les Miz the movie and try not to wander around your shower for eight hours singing “On My Own” and thinking of high school
  • If you go to China Town, you can buy five dumplings for 1.25 and you won’t even poop all over the place like you might with some other 8 dollar dumplings
  • walking out in the cold is very underrated let’s just stay in here forever
  • People walk like cute little bowlegged babies when they wear heels, except babies don’t give me dirty looks as I walk past them in a club or throw up all over their Bebe
  • People sure like to make out publicly on New Years, and if you ask me, a lot of these people look like they might regret in the morning because honestly, I can smell this guy’s Axe from here
  • If you don’t text your parents at midnight, you don’t deserve their homemade breakfasts when they come visit you
  • the mass text is the new friendship
  • Nobody would be allowed to dance, like in the Footloose town, if they saw themselves dance. They would outlaw it themselves.
  • Everybody on Facebook sure likes to talk about their resolutions/the ups and downs of 2012, and it’s like get a Tumblr because nobody’s reading this shit on Facebook
  • If it’s not a photo of your boyfriend or a quick passive-aggressive status towards somebody else that leads to a fight in the comments section, nobody cares what the fuck you have to say on Facebook 
  • For a year that sure hasn’t done anything yet, people really like to threaten 2013 with a “Come At Me Bro”
  • Why are people such shitty friends, keeping your friends is where it’s AT
  • We get it, your hilarious resolution is “not to die” but some of you might
  • Pitbull music really is here to stay
  • Taylor Swift, please settle down with somebody so I can stop getting all your songs stuck in my head.
  • I will watch Dr. Who this year!
  • This year, I will still want a puppy but will unfortunately, still not be a responsible to get a puppy.
  • Never, ever look at your bank account on January 1st.
  1. bsovik reblogged this from thefrenemy
  2. theprivatelifeofsoho said: This is funniest thing that has ever kept my attention on tumblr. Go you.
  3. scottishgirlenglishvillage said: I literally sqeualed aloud when I read the Doctor Who bullet. YOU WON’T REGRET IT. IT’S AMAZING. Plus this is the best year to watch, because lots of new episodes and 50th anniversary. Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say. Hooray Doctor Who.
  4. kelseywho reblogged this from thefrenemy
  5. coldestbitchonthisplanet reblogged this from thefrenemy
  6. hangryyyfeminist reblogged this from thefrenemy
  7. svvvecitv said: Afuckingmen