Things I Will Certainly Do This Holiday Season
  • roll my eyes at every stupid commercial where some jackwad puts a giant bow on a goddamn car for her stupid asshole sweater-wearing husband
  • decide I want hot chocolate, make hot chocolate, spike it with Bailey’s and whiskey, realize it is cold and gross and I probably just want regular hot chocolate and to be drunk already
  • buy a Peppermint Mocha but pumpkin spice is better
  • listen to the Mariah Carey Christmas record on Spotify and decide I want to decorate the entire house in garland and I love everybody and Christmas!
  • listen to the Michael Buble Christmas record and actually poop out my own liver
  • go outside feeling rather festive all bundled up in a hat and a nice coat and then watch as each of my fingers fall off, bloody, into the snow
  • wrap myself in a fleece blanket, tuck my feet inside my stomach, become one with the fleece blanket, I am a ball now
  • linger for hours under the mistletoe with a katana 
  • feel pretty goddamn smug whenever I wear a sweater
  • try to go shopping once but a large group of women wearing reindeer turtlenecks beat me with 20% off coupons and leave me for dead
  • have absolutely no idea what to get anybody as presents but find a lot of smart skirts for myself
  • drink a million bottles of wine at one family gathering both before and after they ask about your “job” and “what is blaggging?” and “Tomblr?”
  • No, I don’t know what I want for Christmas is the biggest lie I tell people I want 20 million dollars and a cat that becomes famous on the Internet and a river of queso and a private One Direction Underwear Concert (they are all 18 right)
  • Promise myself I will get a tree, Promise the world I will get a tree, do you see a tree here? There is no tree here. You will find no tree here. 
  • Watch It’s A Wonderful Life and lose my shit 
  • eat all the gelt and find the gelt wrappers in every pocket I’ve ever had
  • RSVP yes to any party that advertises holiday-like dips and cheeses and things, even if that party is at Satan’s house you bet your ass I want some holiday dips this year
  • oh, look, 8 million commercials are blasting “It’s the Most Wonderful Time Of The Yearrrrrr” and I want to go blow up a Macy’s
  • not buy the Trojan vibrator as a great holiday stocking stuffer as the commercial suggested
  • aspire to wear velvet 
  • I will scratch your eyes out if you put these reindeer antlers on me, but by ALL MEANS PUT THEM ON EVERY DOG
  • hear the phrase “Santa is real if you believe” every fucking second of the day WELL WAKE UP PEOPLE
  • watch the Rockefeller tree lighting off my ass drunk, see double trees, double Justin Bieber
  • go home and see my mom has still hung up the ornament I made her out of construction paper when I was eight, hug her till she can’t breathe, then yell at her later because I’m a brat
  • go through my parent’s Christmas Card pile for the ones with photos
  • make cookies in my stomach by trying to make cookies, but then I eat all the dough, so I have to cook myself.
  • Let’s not even kid, there is no fucking way I will make a gingerbread house this year
  • Feel the same kind of ridiculous, idiotic wonder I felt as a kid when I wake up on a Saturday and it is snowing
  •  schnapps. Peppermint Schnapps.
  • Decapitate my tongue with a candy cane
  • instead of “wrapping” a present, I will sort of cover this box I got you with a lot of tape and it looks like a bomb but it isn’t
  • already dread January 2nd
  • make a comical joke about how “the world is going to end” be secretly very relieved when it doesn’t 
  • eat my weight in mini hot dogs and joy and laughter and annoyance
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    roll my eyes at every stupid commercial where some jackwad puts a giant bow on a goddamn car for her stupid asshole...
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    Bitch needs to get out of my head
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    "Feel pretty goddamn smug when I wear a sweater."
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