You can now get the ole book on Amazon.com, which is absurdly exciting to me. If you want to preorder, do so. Send me a message if you get at it now and I will thank you personally with a reason why I like you. Actually, I love you. And since I’m not allowed to put an excerpt on the Internet just yet, I give you the now cut beginning of the chapter I wrote when I wasn’t a +1 broad: Liam Neeson Is Probably The Reason I’m Still Single, a look at online dating when you love the movie Taken too much and also hate meeting people. :
He just made it through airport security, pushing past the burly man with the white button-down uniform, weaving through suitcases and people, his feet fueled by passion and a moment of euphoria and panic: I have to go to her!
I was the girl on the plane. There were tears streaming down my face. Perfect black lines of runny mascara, my heart as heavy as it gets when it fills with love, because love is very heavy. I might not want to, but I had to fly off to some other life. Tonight.
Yet, hark! It can’t be him! How’d he get on the plane? Shouldn’t there be security or something? Nevermind, I love him so much, standing before me, ready to make an eloquent speech about fate and connections. He borrowed a line from another movie: I gotta go see about a girl. The stewardesses clapped and gushed as I got up to kiss him, now and for the rest of my life.
No. That’s not it.
He was the groom at the wedding, his wife a perfect marble statue of icy cold looks and platinum blonde hair. She was mean, or just had a career. I was his supportive and sweet best friend. He thought of me right as the violins started Wedding March, and also because he had a well-edited flashback of me smiling in his head. The night he drunkenly pushed my hair past my ear, seconds of hot dog sharing and giggles and long looks. He ran, no, flew, to meet me at the bench overlooking the Charles River, the one he knew I’d be sitting at in solidarity.
No. That’s not it, either.
Today, it’s about a profile. He and I both like birds or the movie Die Hard or burritos, which is stupid because everybody likes burritos. His profile picture shows him having fun in front of his computer’s camera or maybe at a bar I’ve never been to. We share messages about wanting to visit Greece, and share small talk about how we know nothing about wines. We kiss because we’ve talked for so long, and date because we’re kind of lonely. This is modern dating. This is online dating.
I used to think that it doesn’t really matter how it ends, it matters how we met in the first place. In the supermarket. On the street. The truth is, whenever I see an attractive guy wearing a peacoat, I tend to speed up my gait. This is the moment, I think. This is the moment that swells, the moment that rivals all other moments. The universe has turned its head in my favor for once.
He never turns. I usually just keep on listening to my music, walking next to him just for the brief moments it takes for his legs to overtake my smaller steps. I have a couple of friends who have met guys on the subway, met a guy who they ended up having sweaty sex with in a small Cobble Hill apartment they want to move out of. It’s never as romantic as it should be, because romance in the Internet age is kind of dead. We have the Internet now, remember? Love in the time of technology! Cholera is kind of old hat! Stuff isn’t nice as we want it to be.
Oh, well. It’s no matter. I’m probably supposed to fall in love with the one who was there all along, anyway.
I saw that in a movie once.
AND I PROMISE to write a regular non-book blog post for tomorrow. No book peep from me tomorrow.
- kazanova12 likes this
- jazzymancia likes this
- butcarlthatkillspeople reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
- amz-m likes this
- danslaruelle likes this
- mcorreia likes this
- blissmanifesto likes this
- dorandrawin likes this
- abejavieja likes this
- cynicalcitrus said: This is incredible. I don’t think I can justify NOT buying your book.
- cynicalcitrus likes this
- boldambitions likes this
- alliistheshizzz likes this
- tiffanyannkho likes this
- theresegoussy likes this
- alissaindresses said: congratulations! will it come in kindle form as well?
- lordy-lou likes this
- ambienne likes this
- amymaria likes this
- idealisticwasteland likes this
- silentconfusions likes this
- gypsycowgirl likes this
- moment0fbliss likes this
- springishere likes this
- misstransatlantic likes this
- netinaistatus likes this
- itsflaksid likes this
- ahundredthoughts likes this
- sarahel likes this
- travicus reblogged this from thefrenemy
- scottishgirlenglishvillage reblogged this from thefrenemy
- travicus likes this
- nawmaw reblogged this from thefrenemy
- scottishgirlenglishvillage likes this
- fresheggtarts likes this
- novuhcane likes this
- brokenbees likes this
- hm0ng likes this
- curlykate said: I’m so excited!! Thanks for the ore-order info!!
- whereisyourgodnow likes this
- bottlesofairies likes this
- janambm said: I didn’t preorder it because I am a broke-ass 20something, but I added it to my wishlist so my parents will buy it for me for my birthday when it comes out. Yay you for writing a book, lady! You are one of my all-time favorite tumblrs.
- tamararex likes this
- benwyattscutebutt likes this
- thefrenemy posted this