A Lesson in Adulthood Via Birth Control

A couple of people asked me about the best form of birth control to prevent pregnancy. I am NOT a doctor and I’ve seen doctor shows on ABC and I guess all you do is recite body parts, cut people, and sleep with your boss and I’m not good at any of those. So I am definitely no DR. Yet as a 24-year-old pretty “up to date” with sex, I thought I’d know more about protecting myself. And it turns out? I know almost nothing about the pill.

What I previously thought about birth control:

  • you take it and no babies
  • you take it and no cramps
  • easy peasy take a nap it’s so easy
What I think about birth control now:
  • so what my breasts are going to get to be the size of essentially two babies
  • that’s ironic in a kind of Alanis Morissette-y kind of way
  • why am I taking sugar pills
  • or no pills at all on some days
  • isn’t the point of birth control taking pills
  • can’t the babies come if I take no pills
  • I still think I am going to get pregnant 
  • protection to me is four condoms and a machine gun
  • I am the 99% with these pills
  • the 1% still sucks in this situation
  • you better tell me more about this Dr. Lady
  • low hormone? Holy shit what is high hormone does my uterus shoot lasers at people 
  • like men who are mean to dogs
  • but what if I take it ten minutes after my phone alarm goes off
  • or even thirty seconds late because I am watching a commercial
  • do babies just pour out of me
  • I take it at the same time every day but you don’t know my life this will eventually become very hard for me
  • Sunday Starter, what am I a football team 
  • so Oprah’s Favorite Things is going to come back for one night only and if I cry it means my hormones are all out of wack
  • I want to punch everybody today
  • I am a little tired today
  • I cannot take all these hormones, I bet, I bet I am like Frankenstein’s Menses Monster
  • great, my skin STILL doesn’t look like the creamy diamond canvas of Taylor Swift’s
  • If I gain like, two pounds from this it will be really eight pounds because I am using it as an excuse to eat a person I have sculpted out of Cool Whip
  • no it’s none of your god damn business why or if I am on it, sir
  • you still have to be safe about things, Idiots of the Wrong Idea
  • I have a slight period cramp why am I taking these anyway this is all bullshit
  • If I were all the Fall Out Boys, I would release a song called “The only thing between this pill and my worry is shock therapy” 

What I Never Thought About Birth Control:

  • I’m going to run around having sex with everybody in the world now, even though I have the right to do that anyway, but now that I am on birth control I am going to be a sex monster munch munch
  • I take these and then go beat up babies in the park
  • Taking care of my body and protecting it against pregnancy is no biggie, it’s a right I totally take for granted because I am the devil and women always have it great
  • Wow, the politicians are right I am just using all this free birth control you are giving me in great ways like I am eating lbs. of it on my cereal and spitting it at The Bible

The greatest ally in protecting ourselves is ourselves. Use condoms too, if you wanna protect yourself against diseases like the clap or a treasure chest of diseases not seen in Oregon Trail. Ask your doctor if you have any questions. And as always, your best bet is to collect information and kick some ass. Cuz you don’t want to be a 24-year-old fool like me.

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