I used to think dirty talk was really creepy and lecherous and weird, like stuff that maybe Wilson from Home Improvement was mumbling because you couldn’t see his mouth—“I’d like to lick your eyes, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.” I used to think that when dirty talking, you also had to use words like “naughty princess” and “ramming.” I thought you HAD to get freaky with it and talk about putting sex organs in your ears. And also, I was like “shut up, I’m busy.” But it’s not as stupid as I thought. Instead, it’s a fun way to a) let everybody in your apartment know you’re having sex and b) have an excuse to read more fan fiction. Not 50 Shades of Grey. This is not 50 Shades of Grey because it can be creative and interesting and a nice way to bring another of your senses into sex instead of watching the world burn.
Frankly, it shouldn’t be called dirty talk. It’s not filthy or weird. You don’t have to verbally abuse your partner by calling them a pig-sucking snotrag. You don’t have to use the word whoreslutbitch and shame Susan B. Anthony half-dollars into melting and becoming John F. Kennedy half-dollars. It’s not dirty to follow the one golden rule of dirty talk:
Say what you like and why you like it. One of the biggest causes of bad sex is no communication, and talkin’ during fornication is a way to communicate what is working for you…directly and without moaning. It’s the Spark Notes of expressing yourself, a Bisquick easy way of saying “I like when you spank me” without having to sit your partner down and go “oh hey, you should spank me” and you’re not having sex and your voice isn’t breathy and you’re wearing khakis and it’s weird and they blink slowly at you. You want your partner to know you’re enjoying yourself and what about it you like. And that’s not weird or embarrassing. It’s honest and maybe not to be done every time, but it’s also a reminder that HONESTY CAN BE REALLY HOT instead of just late-night text confessions that make you squirm. Honesty about where you want to keep being touched, honesty about what you’re going to do to them (except if you are going to kill them, that would need an element of surprise unless you’re this season of Dexter).
If you’re shy about saying something like “dickvagina” you don’t have to say anything about genitalia. Just like approaching somebody at a bar and saying HEY and not PENIS, start light. Tell them the things you are feeling and how they feel good. Don’t think about what might sound good—you’re not writing a goddamn chapter in NaNoWriMo. Just say what you are enjoying. Move up from there.
And if you like it? Keep doing it. It might feel weird and you might feel self-conscious at first, and the other important thing is to GET comfortable. Dirty talk is like trying a weird food for the first time. You might be hesitant at first but sometimes you might love it immediately. And if you think you COULD love it, you hesitantly take another bite. When and if you do, drop the training wheels. Get as weird and loud and freaky with it as you like. Play around and say something graphic.
And if you feel stupid? Remember this—everybody has said something embarrassing and weird and you’ll still be having sex no matter what you say and nobody will care because sex. Even if you tell your partner you feel soooo moist, or something.
Just enjoy the carpet ride, you dirty princess, you.
Things to say include: Yeah, you like that?
Things not to say include: Sometimes I think about you in the shower but the shower is my tears and I’d like to put your soul in a jar now stick it in, soldier.
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