Boy Meets Tiny Section of World, Again

The hurricane is over and I’m alive and I hope you are too. I’m not going to write anything about it other than it affected some people I know and mostly people I don’t know and both cases are very sad. Seeing Manhattan without any lights was scary and now I don’t want a zombie apocalypse anymore. Donate to the Red Cross or give some cans or coats if you can afford to (which you always can), but I’m not here to preach. I am here for a return to normalcy for those with the Internet and normalcy to me is Boy Meets World. 

My trusty Facebook friend Corey had this link on his Facebook this morning, and amidst a sea of couple photos and Onion Articles about Mitt Romney, I found it refreshing. The jist of the piece is that Disney plans on remaking and revamping Our Perpetual Show Of Youth. But in the present. With Corey and Topanga’s daughter as the star. Gender switch? Light the revolution torch!

Now, as a huge fan of watching Boy Meets World as a kid AND as an adult because it’s on at 8am on ABC Family, I’m a bit miffed about this. Realistically, I have no doubt Topanga “Middle of The Road” Lawrence-Matthews popped out a kid almost immediately after the show ended, right on the Amtrak train to New York. She probably got knocked up because they argued about canned soup or looking at a girl and she needed to latch her claws into Corey “THE LIMP BLANKET” a little harder. Maybe she wanted to keep him away from Shawn, who probably had discovered something satanic like porn. That bitch always had an agenda, and it was always about trapping and being righteous and picket fences on her own terms. I liked her but I hated her. Anyway, the idea of a sequel makes logical sense to me. Also, see: no previous engagements from the year 2007 on. 

However, I’m worried they won’t do the show right. Like the decision to create the character RACHEL, they could really fuck this one up. I’m giving the producers some guidelines now, so they know what ME—the American 20-something public—is looking for: 

  • Realistically, Shawn should be into meth or maybe crack. The problem with Shawn Hunter being a “bad boy” is that he never really did anything bad. One time he tells Corey NOT to drink alcohol, but doesn’t do a very good job of it. One time he tells Corey NOT to cheat with the girl from Freaks and Geeks, but doesn’t do a very good job of that either. He was never bad, because bad was generally defined as “not having a present dad.” So I think he should live up to his name now. Perhaps he could sleep with a lot of girls and text them all the time and invite them out on Saturday nights but “not want to define a relationship.” Or he could be into heavy, intravenous drugs. Or pyramid schemes. Lives in the East Village in an apartment made mostly from wood planks where he plays jazz records all day. He’s going to need a barbed wire arm tattoo (the hottie Nick Lachey tat of the early 2000s), three conspiracies about alien policemen, a nicotine problem, and that same beautiful hair. Swoon! Fedora! Chain necklaces!
  • You’re going to have to make this offspring—let’s call her Beezlebub—-really fucking terrible. She’s going to have the Brillo-headed screechy lameness of Corey and the hair-flipping braggy piousness of Topanga. Have her be born from a broken hole in the Earth. Have her do an excellent Jack Nicholson impression. 
  • Corey still wears khaki pants from Land’s End and is the tri-state area’s 46th best insurance salesman. Has a severe gambling addiction that they never talk about.
  • Topanga has a successful column in Woman’s Day magazine. Articles include “How To Make An American Flag Pie While Informing Your Family About Women’s RIghts” and “I Married Young And Now I’m 28 But Find Men Like Aaron Eckhart attractive.”
  • I don’t give a shit about Jack but I bet he quit the Peace Corps and has done at least one Sears Catalog model shoot. God, no one on this show ever has the makings for true success, and I blame Feeny for that.
  • Two seasons about text message bullying
  • Eric Matthews realizes he’s not anybody’s monkey and now manages a Long Island Best Buy, doing standup comedy on the weekends and ignoring the family that tried so hard to pin him as the village idiot for all those long years. Married to somebody named Stacy who was prom queen and isn’t really “a book girl.” Favorite show is Big Bang Theory. Has a subscription to Time Magazine, just to show that he does.
  • Angela wonders why the fuck she ever hung out with those weird kids that got married in college and how she dated a boyfriend for six years that wouldn’t even have sex with her and was obsessed with his best friend and now she lives her life like a normal person who wasn’t involved in this show, ever. Sometimes, she tells a story about something dumb Corey said at dinner parties and everybody hates him.
  • I bet there’s going to be a total three-episode arc of how this kid is running for Student Council president and the lessons one can learn from that.
  • Amy Matthews is the kind of mother who is a Republican but pretends not to be when people are talking about social issues at dinner. Continues to raise her young son (who is now probably like 15) in the same obnoxious way that those Matthews like to do it.
  • Morgan does absolutely nothing and nobody gives a shit about her. She probably went to Iowa State University and is doing something that nobody gives a shit about.
  • An episode about the pressures to have sex because nothing ever changes.
  • Heavy-handed music while Corey stutters through life lessons and comically doesn’t know how to “handle parenting” but they can’t show the drinking he does so he drinks a milkshake really fast or something.
  • Topanga gets preggo at the end of the first season, we all roll her eyes at everything she says.
  • Uncle Shawn gives the kid a cigarette? No probably she just goes to a party where “the parents are upstairs” and everybody screams at her till she takes a sip of wine cooler.
  • The Dad Matthews, suffering from Empty Nest Syndrome, tries his hand at stern-but-effective parenting to the neighborhood children until he has an affair with one of the plump waitresses at Denny’s. Feels so guilty about it he buries himself to death in a pile of boxy corduroy jackets.
  • Feeny, by the way, his manic obsession with those four unimpressive students fading, goes back to principle-ing middle schoolers and minds his own God Damn business. 
  • Show sucks, but we still get drawn into it’s obnoxious life lessons.
  1. 50shades-of-ba-sing-se reblogged this from sheilatookabow89 and added:
    Boy Meets World was basically a less funny version of Seinfeld with children and one less person. At least the Seinfeld...
  2. sheilatookabow89 reblogged this from thefrenemy
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  10. roseredrosered reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    amazing
  11. macaristic reblogged this from thefrenemy and added:
    oh my god. yes.