To all the girls who look good in red lipstick:

Why do you hurt my feelings today? 

Every time I wear red lipstick, I look like a grandmother or a hooker. A dead hooker, really, because my skin gets so washed out I have the glow of a woman that has been decomposing in a weedy marsh for three days. I put it on and expect the vampire from Bones or the cast of all the 532 spinoffs of CSI to find me and solve my murder. It was my ex-boyfriend! “How Rude!” -Stephanie Tanner

Anyway, you all end up looking like a character from the Great Gatsby or a sexxii Rosie The Riveter and I deeply, deeply hate you for that. You are a person of the glamorous and oppressed past! You are so fucking cool I feel like I should take away all my cool points and just live confused about who Arcade Fire like all the fools forever. I bet you look good in vintage clothing. Once, I bought a 3 dollar floral shirt from the 1980s. It smelled like moth balls, made me itch, and it took me 6 hours of searching through used Ralph Lauren polos to find. I am so grossed out because I know all the nasty things I do in my clothes. Me do not like the vintage shopping. I bet you use ‘musk perfume’ and not ‘the leftover linger of stir fry and Herbal Essences.’ I bet you can do pincurls, you fancy ass bitch. 

You also seem to remember that you wore lipstick today. I, however, forgot that I wore the red lipstick so I don’t ‘blot’ my napkin I ‘rub’ my napkin and now I look like I have a cold sore. One of my greatest accomplishments yet is how I don’t have herpes so don’t get it twisted, L’oreal! It seems as if ladies who look good in red lipstick are not even the kind of people who need to have a napkin. Yours sit squarely on your lap because you are not afraid of the spilled BBQ sauce or the slippery fork. I, on the other hand, like to call my mouth the “Slop Hotel.” Many things go in, many things like bread crumbs go the fuck out. I also am in my deepest pit of ‘single life’ yet, so I feel like wearing lipstick is counterintuitive to making out with all the world at this bar. So now not only do I look like a hooker, I think like one now.

Do you use virgin blood to stain your lips, you demon woman? Because you don’t have any on your teeth, and I always end up with a nice layer on my front bucks as if I bit off my tongue. I can only deduce that because you are shiny and clean you are one with the devil. Seriously, though. You look very pretty today but fuck off and die. Ugh, I might be overreacting but you are destroying me forever and you should know about it. You are tearing me apart, Lisa! On another note, is that CoverGirl? You look Easy Breezy Gwen Stefani Choke You To Death. I’m sorry. I just know that you are more dignified than I am. I know that you cross your legs more than I do. I know that you charmingly stain your ceramic coffee cups and blow attractive kisses in pictures.

On the flip side, I know that my Lip Smackers Dr. Pepper makes my lips take bomb ass good. Kidding! I’ve graduated to Blistex or whatever. That’s a real, small baby victory for you right there.