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Wake up in a tissue ball wearing the outfit that you wore last night. Allow the pain and memories to wash over you not unlike a large ocean wave. Go back to sleep as your eyes are basically swollen shut from all of the crying you have done. Wake up again three hours later and it’s 3pm. Immediately check your phone for change of mind happy love reunion. When you see none, breathe deeply as if you won’t cry but you are alone so you let out loud sob wails. You are strong oh now you’ve beaten this pillow and collapsed onto bed again. Text the 476 friends you told about this terrible relationship trauma ‘THEYre all THE SAme This is a tragically cryptic message you’re not all right.’ Expect pity texts that you expect but will not make you feel better! Fucking Hungry. You become depressed that you are not one of those people that cannot eat because of sorrow. Still love food so much. Shuffle into kitchen. See couch, fridge, walls, and other seemingly unimportant objects that now make you think only of your evil ex-lover. The window! The window they looked out of! They will never look out of window again. Break window because it broke heart. Need egg sandwich. Roommate asks ‘why eggs it’s almost dinnertime’ you say ‘what is time.’ Bring computer in kitchen to listen to music. Theme: ONLY SAD. Catch yourself in computer screen, see a dead ghost raccoon with ghost rabies and it’s you! DIE A BIT ALONE. Let ghoul wail music calm you as you fetch bread, cheese, egg from fridge. Slam two pieces of bread in toaster, have trouble twist tying the bread and think “oh GREAT MY GOD HAS TOTALLY JUST ABANDONED ME.” Turn on frying pan visually imagine cutting out your heart and frying heart, but instead think of the way you guys first kissed and choke on own soul. Add oil and egg to pan but really just check Facebook, see that ex has changed relationship status. It is too hard to change yours right now. Check Facebook wall for any girl that has ever talked to him/her. Stab egg yolk but it’s not an egg yolk it’s THEIR FACE. Flip egg, slighty fail because a little yolk leaks out, let out a frustration scream because your life was made for suffering. Salt and pepper! Grinding pepper used to be fun when you could feel. Toast is slightly burnt, throw whatever is closest at whatever wall is closest. Call mom, have her say she didn’t like your ex, scream at her until she hates you because SHE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT YOU HAD. Decide to add 2 pieces of American cheese to top of egg. You will treat yourself today! Remember how they liked cheese and dedicate sandwich to them. No! You’re an independent woman. Add three slices of cheese and a slice of tomato (they hate tomatoes) and you don’t need somebody to make you happy! Make a Rosie the Riveter Pose and punch something. Put on Single Ladies and cry through your smile. Attempt to develop destructive behaviors: Put a lot of butter on your bread because I’m undateable and undateable mole people deserve to have clogged unhealthy arteries. Now you’re going to day drink! Pour self a large glass of booze because who cares! See what you’ve done to me?! Not really drink that much of it, though, you don’t want to be tired for your ‘drink and eat ice cream with all your pity friends’ later on. Assemble sandwich, squirt ketchup on it with the vigor of somebody who wants revenge. Take sandwich to television.  Commercial for sick dogs? LOSE SHIT. Sitcom where anybody smiles? LOSE SHIT. Movie on they liked? OH MAH GOD THIS SANDWICH IS COVERED IN TEARS. Finally your mouth is covered in yolk. Text the one who has broken your heart a passive aggressive anger text that suggests you hate them but would not mind taking them back. You will later regret this text, but right now sadness has filled the room and ruined your little breakfast. Finish sandwich. You have mourned properly. Now you begin to remember all the terrible things that suck about them and feel a hate burn rising in your chest. Remember the hot coffee shop guy, decide to fantasize about them for a bit. See cheese leftover on plate lick with finger. Relish in how shitty people are and remember, damn. You can make a great sandwich.