A tattoo I once read stated “In Vino Veritas.” And this meant, upon further Googling, I mean I translated it myself: In Wine There is Truth. To this I say “hell yeah to that inked wrist, you crazy bitch” because nothing delivers honesty, happiness, and love in my brain more than a good glass of wine. And sure, I’ve met some people who say “you know what, I never really liked wine” and to that I immediately narrow my eyes at them and distrust them immensely. There is nothing about wine that is not likable. From the moment I was fifteen and snuck the liquid of life from my mom when she looked away at Thanksgiving, I realized that love may come and go, but wine was forever. This warm feeling I had was just like a good crush, anyway. Which is good, because wine will get you through a whole lot of heartbreak. And nothing will ever be better than a glass of red over some angsty vinyl record when shit is going down. Bless you, wine. You just made my bad things better again. Here’s some more ode to wine: 

1. It’s the perfect “first drunk in front of your family” drink:

When I finally turned 21, I couldn’t wait until the first family holiday. Finally..long conversations about my future over various plates of olive and hummus appetizers would be made so much better with the addition of accepted drinking. Unfortunately, nobody in my family wants to see me swig back shots of whiskey and gin at family events, as much as I would like to. Anyway, this is where the wine comes in. Glass after glass of this stuff is totally acceptable because it’s not even like a real drink! It’s like grape juice that makes you talk about politics with your aunt! You’re not drunk, you’re passionate! Hideyourproblemshideyourproblems.

2. Excuse to eat cheese

We all know how much I love cheese. And any drink that makes cheese more acceptable to eat, I’m all about. Once again..wine. Even if you’re snacking on Kraft American slices or Polly-O string cheese, it makes you a much classier snacker if you drink a paper cup of wine with it.

3. Makes you a Real Housewife

Listen, that Bravo show is my jam. Nothing is better than a bunch of Botoxed bitches clawing at each other’s souls and releasing poorly autotuned pop hits. And nothing gets more of a starring role in that series than ridiculously large glasses of wine. From Kim to Atlanta to everybody in D.C., pouring a glass of wine makes me feel as classy as a trash bag when I’m catching up on reruns.

4. FRIDGE BOOZE

Sure, beer is delicious, but keep too much in your fridge and you have to buy a smaller fridge of it and keep it hidden in your basement. Wine you can display all over the side compartments with the condiments and the mustard and it’s like “what the fuck you gonna say about it?” 

5. Respite for mothers

Everybody expects women to push babies out of them and be totally cool with a bunch of little shits running around grabbing their skirts and messing up the carpets. They also expect them to suck it up and take it like a champ. However, nobody faults moms for sucking back two or three glasses of wine while stirring up the pasta pot. And for that, I look forward to motherhood.

6. Drink it alone!

Nobody gives a shit if you have “a glass (or six) of wine” while you’re hanging out watching Netflix with yourself. It’s like the gateway to whiskey, but it’s not as sad! 

7. Eat it with a panini!

I guess going out to lunch with friends is the most boring meal ever. Breakfast being the most obviously delicious meal of the day, is filled with omelette dreams and delicious pancake stacks. And dinner, with its cheese and artichoke pastas or whatever, can be paired with the strongest of cocktails. However, lunch is just sandwich and boredom. Like a big long food nap. So whenever I trudge out to meet some friend I only want to spend an hour with while eating a goat cheese pepper sandwich, nothing gets me happier than the acceptable ‘beer and wine list’ at the bistro. I will make this meal better, with it’s boring potato chip sides, as long as I can have a big ole glass of red with it.

8. SIX DOLLAR DRUNK

Well, if anybody has ever tried the Trader Joe’s Three Buck Chuck, I give you hugs and say right on, dude! But for the most part, buying a six dollar Yellowtail at the liquor mart is the fastest, surest, cheapest way to get drunk on a dime. And it’s not even in the sad way like buying Four Lokos or Mad Dog or whatever the college bros are chugging. I can be a drink piece of shit and be classy. A total dream.

9. A sense of entitlement

I really don’t know anything about anything, but I do know that I like Shiraz wine. Mostly because I decided to like it after I discovered it’s alcohol content is mostly 13.5%. I also don’t like sweet wines but I like woodsy ones. And I can sound like one hot piece of shit when somebody asks me my opinion about wines, like I know oh so much because I know a type and a flavor. Like one of those old timey English people!

10. HEALTHY

MADE OF FRUIT

11. Trick your friends into going down the wrong path.

Hey, just because it’s Tuesday doesn’t mean I can’t get drunk. So when my uptight lameo friends are just like “I have work in the morning I can’t get smashed tonight!” I’m like oh whatever I bought this bottle of wine come over and I’ll make you broccoli and they do and go to work late and I feel victorious.

12. Read more

Something about the fact that a whole bunch of good writers spent most of their careers drunk on wine makes me feel smarter. Plus, the fact that this is the one alcohol that makes me feel intellectual and also sober enough to be able to read straight? Yeah, I’m college educated. And worldly. I’m both, dawg.

13. PRISON

=PRISON WINE

14. Friends in general

You drink a bottle of this, and you’ll learn more about the people you love by the end of the bottle. You’ll feel warmer than you usually do, you’ll give hugs when necessary, and you’ll be so damn happy that you get to know the people you know. Case closed, wine. Case closed.