MISTAKE: JUST THIS SCENE LOL

When I was a kid, I was taught that you shouldn’t touch fire. I didn’t actually learn this lesson, though, until I put my sticky stupid baby hand on the stove. And it really fucking hurt, so I stopped doing it. This is the kind of mistakes you learn from through experience. Later on in life, somebody told me I shouldn’t murder somebody. I’ve never done it, because it’s the kind of mistake you learn without experience. And then there are the mistakes I make time and time again, always regret, and never ever stop making. Rihanna says it’s because I like the way it hurts:

1. Clear Rum: The only people that really and truly enjoy Bacardi White Rum are people that are underaged and still in college. Enjoy it while you can, sister. The first time I over did it on some sort of fruit punch and rum concoction was the first time I literally stuck my entire head in the toilet and tried to climb through the pipes as it could have possibly been a portal to the past. I would find the me of two hours ago and punch her in the stomach until she promised not to have that last shot of rum. The next morning, I just thought about the smell of rum And I projectile vomited my feelings and my kidneys at squirrels and other small moving targets. I told all my facebook friends “No MORE RUM LOL” yet two years later, I was shoving my face into a garbage can trying to read the thrown out school paper in it in order to pass the time between wretches. Lesson learned? For now!

2. Ordering a salad/the vegetable sandwich with mozzarella cheese and pesto at a restaurant: Whenever I go to lunch, I always scan the menu for something that says “mac and cheese” “lots of fucking cheese” or “avocado with who gives a shit what else.” Yet somehow, I always end up ordering the salad with maybe tuna tartare if my mom is paying, the orange vina-regret, and the LBS. O’ BIBB LETTUCE. If I’m feeling carb wild, I always get that ciabatta sandwich with the huge slimy slice of mozz and some grilled eggplant tongues. I never like it, but why order something you like? You’re watching your figure! BUT I’M NOT EVEN. I’m just going to go home and secret eat, anyway. 

3. THOSE FUCKING SHOES: You know the shoes. They are such cute shoes and they look great on you. And just when you think they are as into you as you are them, they rip your foot skin off until it gets all red and wet and you limp around like a crazy person and your feet are ugly for a week afterwards. Yet, when that other right outfit comes along, you pull them out of your closet, wiping your blood off the patent leather and surrounding your feet with about three boxes of bandages. You have hope. All the bandages fall off and you die of pain.

4. The terrible idea: I get it. He was in a band. His name is Scoot and he looks like a vampire because he has been “jamming in his basement for three years straight.” He has a colorful tattoo of a radio and a piece of steak. Her name is Has-been. She has thick red framed glasses and plays the Speak and Say in a local Brooklyn band. His name is Zap. He paints Norman Rockwell photographs but adding images of dead people and images of war. These people are never good choices. You know they’re just going to ask you for rent money and “where to get a good high around here.” But they are so cute! I mean, if I didn’t get herpes from Jumpy, why should I get it from Leap? 

5. Watching the scene where Bambi’s mom gets shot, Mufasa dies, or “that’ll do, pig.”: Oh sure, I might have to go out and have un-waterproof mascara on, but I’d really like to get my heart ripped out of my chest and have it stomped on by a bunch of fake fucking animals first.

6. Yeah, I can totally survive on 2 hours of sleep: I know it’s a Tuesday at 1am, but it’s not like this episode of Sister Wives is going to watch itself! Oh look, it’s 9am! Now I will be a miserable bitch today!

7. That movie, that restaurant, that bar: I know making decisions is hard. I know this because I try to never make them. I whine continuously until somebody finally says “fuck you we’ll..” and they’ll just make the decision for me. Because every time I decide on Chinese, I realize I don’t even want Chinese and I spend the whole dinner screaming at my weird creepy MSG filled vegetable eggroll. There’s no eggs in here! I hate Big Daddy! Put on something else! I’m not indecisive, I just choose to judge your choices instead!

8. The red-tinted brunette hair dye: Chocolate Cherry is never the color you wanted. Never. Why? Because it’s a gross nasty candy, too.

9. Looking at pictures of your ex’s new girlfriend: She’s prettier than you, isn’t she? Skinnier? Holy shit this picture actually looks like she’s funnier than me! Nope. That’s just your masochistic insanity speaking. Because she is wearing a sherpa lined hoodie. And her favorite book is Sweet Valley High: What’s This Plot? Just…back away from the Facebook. Put the gun down.

10. Not taking that umbrella. Taking that umbrella. It’ll rain. No it won’t.