Oh, Cosmopolitan Magazine-it’s been far too long since I have opened your pages and smelled your incessant perfume ads. Shakira has a new parfum now, I say while reading about members and riding members and shocking statistics about vaginal yeasts and healthy avocado fats. Did you know that animal print is back in again, making its triumphant return for the 30th year in a row? Did you know that girls who show up to work on time while wearing trendy beige sweaters are more likely to die alone? DID YOU KNOW that Cosmo wrote an article claiming that ‘a group of scientists’ discovered a ‘major boner shrinker’ (How I Met Your Mother Salute) for men is if you CRY IN FRONT OF THEM AND THAT WAS A REAL THING THAT WAS PRINTED? I miss making fun of Cosmo, because it still tries to convince me that I’d get a man if I purchased 300 dollars of ‘flirty lingerie,’ which kind of makes it the terrible female influence I never had as a child. However, when I came across an article describing the 10 Hottest Texts to Send A Guy, I knew I had to get back on the ole horse. Here are the actual texts, followed by my interpretation of said texts:

10. At work having very NSFW thoughts about throwing you down on my desk:

Things I believe to be NSFW- Screen shots of Nancy Grace’s nip slip in Dancing With People Who Want To Continue To Annoy Me On Television, which I assume is just a bit of darker skin around her breast are and not actually nipplage, but I’m too afraid to click and find out. Any video I want to watch in a public place. Gifs of porn that I will only find on my Tumblr dashboard when I am in a coffee shop.

Things I believe to NOT be NSFW- ANY THOUGHT THAT IS A THOUGHT AND NOT SPOKEN OUT LOUD, YOU IDIOT WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHAT THOUGHTS ARE.

Hey, I get that you are taking precious moments out of your workday thinking about sex instead of deciding what Santa Fe themed Lean Cuisine you want to have for lunch (enchilada or quesadilla) during worktime hours, and I appreciate that. But unless you’re showing me an asian porno where girls shoot squid out of her crotch, you shouldn’t be using that abbreviation.

9. I know you’re busy today, but can you add one more thing on your to-do list? Me? 

I understand that headin’ out to the Duane Reade to purchase anti-dandruff shampoo or getting a real grip on your online banking is high up on your list of priorities today. Still, to quote Chandler Bing in only 1/2 of this statement- could you BE any more insecure? Are you actually begging here? This seems like the way I used to politely ask my mom if she could take me to Carvel after eight endless hours at Sears. Kind of like ‘I don’t want to burden you or anything..’ I guess I’m aware that picking up bread is higher up on your agenda than interacting with me (which is ONLY true if it involves making sandwich for self that is grilled cheese and has brie), but could you just PLZ shove your dick in me and get past all that ‘polite, human conversation shit?’ Don’t you fucking DARE ask me how my day was. I won’t tell you! Hint: filled with despair and longing. Then you can finally wash those v-necks you’ve been meaning to get to!

8. In 30 Minutes I’ll be getting off. Care to join in in the fun?

In 30 minutes, I’ll be laying on my bed and hiking up my Old Navy themed sweatpants. I’ll either be watching CBS to drown out the noise, or I’ll be listening to Radiohead songs. It is only then I will furiously masturbate while burying my head in my pillow, to both hide the sounds and collect the drool. If you’re into ANY of this grotesque circus display, I’m sorry I used the word ‘fun.’ I mean ‘sad peek into the life of somebody whose vibrator has treated her better than any man, woman, Lifetime movie, or online flirtation ever has.

7. Wish you were here [With a picture of your inner-thigh or cleavage - without showing anything X-Rated].

Ah, the inner thigh. No square of flesh on a human is more discernable, save for maybe the back of the knee or a slight left on your lower back. I wish you were on my inner thigh. I wish you could see the one ingrown hair I have here.

6. Had a very dirty dream about you last night. Let’s re-enact it here.

Okay, you were Jon Hamm and we were on one of those Tempur-Pedic mattresses and cheese sauce had no calories and we were dipping each other’s naked bodies in it and Whitney on NBC was cancelled and then a serial killer came out and ate our brains but that was okay, because the unicorns came

5. Just Got Out of the Shower. Why don’t you come over here and help me get dirty again?

Create a thin sheen of smog from walking around Manhattan all day. Slightly dirty up my fingernails from the time I dipped my finger into a pot of chocolate frosting. Lightly grease my hair by weighing it down with too many hair products. Put a little smudged eyeliner under my eye from wearing it all day, with tiny patches of dry skin under my lip. Make my armpits smell, but only a little.

4. See if you can decipher this abbreviation: OMG IWUIM

WIKYMIWYIMAIGTLPTFTTUIKOMBSIWTHSIWYBIHTJTAMIAEAGAOIAAELITS

*Well, I know you meant I want you inside me, and I’m going to look past the fact that the ‘u’ is kind of misleading, but seriously, I want to have sexual intercourse with you but I have to Jigsaw this and make it an equally aggravating game and oops I added an extra letter in there somewhere

3. Using one hand to write this text and press the send button. Using the other hand to press “my” button

Babe, this is my way of telling you I’m either a Baby Alive or a robot. 

2. Practicing my yoga poses..naked. Wanna see how flexible I am?

I want you to picture the 46-year old woman from Connecticut who is probably going to try to do this while her husband is watching According To Jim. Oh, fuck that, I want you to picture the way you look like when you are doing yoga and then I want you to picture that with your clothes off. Are you scared? I’m not, I’m just staring at the weird rolls of fat I know have discovered I have in my lower back when I do the ‘downward Lotus’, or the farts I am maybe holding in. 

1. Just went to the bathroom at [bar/party/restaurant] and took off my underwear. One less thing for you to remove tonight.

Fun, fearless Cosmo girls shit their pants, is what I’m trying to say. I’m kidding. I pissed them. I’m kidding, I have my period. I’m kidding, I’m Deena from Jersey Shore. I’m not kidding: I REMOVED MY UNDERWEAR IN A PUBLIC RESTROOM