How To Be: A Love Interest in an Action Movie


The trailer for the upcoming movie ‘The Town’ has brought to my attention what I’m sure is on every girl’s mind: “How in the world can I make that dashing and talented Ben Affleck fall in love with me? ” All of us obviously went giddy for him during the cinematic, historically accurate brilliance that was Pearl Harbor. We all waited patiently while he fell into rock-bottom obscurity with Bounce and Gigli. Surely a nobody like him could love a nobody like me, we thought. But with Ben’s box-office hit coming up, starring dangerous and terrifying New England, I am forced to realize I need another plan. And that plan is to woo him by becoming his love interest in an action movie. I share tips on how to achieve that feat.

  1. Be a huge bitch. If you can be Russian, that’s fine too, but mostly be a huge bitch. Have an extraordinarily shitty reply to everything anybody says. Example: Waiter: “Miss, would you like some more wine?” You: “I’ll get it myself, you pedestrian piece of shit.” Even though you are at a restaurant, you would get it yourself. This makes you seem independent and sexy to the kind of men that like action movies a lot. 
  2. Say everybody’s name like it’s allegedly their name and also sound sarcastic and like a bitch when you say it. Example: Hello, Jonathan. Other example: Hello, Johnathan.
  3. When you meet said action star, make sure that you are wearing a very fancy dress that shows off your back. Cock your eyebrow a lot and drink wine like you’d suck his
  4.  Be a professional at the ripe age of 26. This could mean being a psychologist, a head of a company, or a doctor, but show your man that you can hold a six-figure job in sexy, inappropriate work clothes.
  5. Have a villianous father that also works as a pretty respectable B-movie actor.
  6. Only wear shirts that you can rip off. Because you will never take off your shirt like a human being might, you will only rip off your shirt in the middle of grabbing his muscley arms. If your hair could always be wet, and your mascara always sexy and runny, that would be a plus.
  7. In that same vein, only enjoy sex against walls while one of you has a lot of blood on your person from attempted murder and committing murder. Be prepared to be shot at by foreign guys during sexual intercourse. 
  8. You better spend a couple of minutes a day running laps in heels and punching yourself in the mouth. Because in the next couple of months, you are going to get fucked up. You’re going to be thrown around, tied up, and have various weapons forced on you by guys in leather jackets with scars on their cheeks. Also, you might want to check how you hold up when you have a gun to your head. Feel good? Good. That’s going to happen a lot. This will all be for a guy who is going to get pissed off, knock tables around, and tell you it’s too dangerous for you to be together. But you’re still going to get kidnapped anyway. Yeah. It’s going to be for that guy.
  9. Be attracted to guys who wear gaudy gold crosses and have pockmarks on their face. The slightly unattractive but the strong, the ugly but the stereotypical Irish. For example-Jeremy Renner isn’t the best looking guy in the world. He actually seems like he might really enjoy heroin, but I would do him. Why? Because he looks like the kind of guy who dramatically goes to a church altar at night and prays with a gun in his hand. He looks like he wants me to come up behind him and hold his naked chest while he stares at the gritty city below that he is trying to protect. He looks like an action star. 
  10. Be surprised and upset every time you hold a gun as if you have never held one before, but then become a blood-thirsty ruthless bitch with a fantastic aim immediately after shock wears off.
  1. thefrenemy posted this