When I was younger, way back when Lindsay Lohan had an actual prescription to Adderall, girls across America read books. Not Amanda Bynes’ Twitter, or Ashely Olsen’s Fashion Wordpress, but tangible books that weren’t even about vampires. One book series that had quite the following was The Babysitter’s Club: the gripping tale of six upper-class middle school girls from Connecticut who were responsible enough to handle young children. By the time the series ended in 2000, the girls had graduated from middle school at 13. This would make them around 23 now. I decided to catch up with the ladies to see what they had been up to since then:

Kristy Thomas: 

Just as it is to be expected from any uppity, controlling product of divorce, Kristy graduated from high school with top honors. She was an active member of her school’s Model U.N. This meant she spent much of her time baking “Cookies for Ecuador” and wearing a lot of Gap button-down shirts. She built houses in Texas for one summer, which she claimed helped her write her college essay about how people are really all the same. Entering a prestigious University on soccer scholarship, she double majored in political science and business. However, she spent most of her college years wearing puka-shell necklaces and wide-strapped tank tops, gaining more breadth in her shoulders than most of the school’s football team. A proud lesbian, Kristy strongly advocated for GLBTQ rights, although most people found that her annoying personality and collection of baseball caps hurt the cause more than helped it. After graduating, she settled in Washington D.C., where she currently can be found launching her political career by day and flair bartending by night.

Claudia Kishi:

After suffering a mild emotional breakdown in high school, finding that the four walls of expectation to succeed were destroying her, Claudia got a job at an alternative coffee shop. There, she met a 34-year-old boyfriend who taught her how to express herself through art. This prompted her to go to art school in Manhattan, where she chain-smoked cigarettes, worked at another coffee shop, and wore a lot of crop tops and overalls. After three years and one semester in Tokyo, she dropped out of school, leaving her largely anticipated exhibit of ‘tables made of wax’ unfinished. Instead, she opted to get a tattoo sleeve and a loft apartment in Brooklyn. She can be found there still, as the xylophonist/lead singer of a relatively popular experimental music duo called “Claw Clench.” She plans on going back to school next year to get her BA in elementary education.

Mary Anne Spier:

Mary Anne, at the age of 16, began to take part in “Miss Teens for Jesus,” a beauty pageant that also focused on Christian values and Republican platforms. After taking second place two times in a row, Mary Anne and her family moved to Nashville because they suddenly realized they were in Connecticut. There, Mary Anne flourished when she met her boyfriend Chip Stanford, an instant pudding heir with surprisingly thick blonde hair. She graduated high school and attended a state university for a BA in a ‘throwaway degree’ (Major in Spanish and Minor in English). After graduation, she married Skip and now resides on a small farm with six kids, a dog, and a plan to visit California and save it from the devil.

Stacey McGill:

Because she had rich parents, Stacey had no problem snagging an internship at Nylon magazine at the ripe age of 15. Since then, she began her modeling/fashion marketing career in New York City. During that start, she attended a two year college program in Paris, where she took a lot of Polaroids and had sex with four DJs. She has since then modelled for American Apparel and appeared in Law and Order: SVU, Gossip Girl, and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. She recently decided to take a break from the coke-binges and all night techno parties in NYC to move to LA because she ‘really wanted a car’. She has since landed a small role on an upcoming Disney Channel show, and cites her future career plans as ‘hats are the new black.’ 

Dawn Schafer:

Dawn might have graduated from high school with no honors, but she did discover her love of hiking, her love of organics, and her love of marijuana there. Attending college in Vermont in order to become a sustainable farmer/vegan chef, she became very involved in the plight to legalize the green, although she can’t remember much about the platform. She also became the assistant manager of the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream shop there, where she designed an eco-friendly, bio-degradable Phish Food cup which she sold at three-day music festivals for six dollars a pop. Likening herself to a businesswoman of sorts, she is now earning her Masters degree in business, which she hopes to use to open up a Vegan Soul Food Restaurant that tie-dyes hemp shirts using natural beet juices and also campaigns to stop factory farming. She can be found comfortably living in a co-op with her boyfriend, Dirty Mike.

Mallory Pike:

Who cares? She tried to get a couple of tattoos to play the whole ‘quirky hipster girl’ thing, but that never worked so she just went to college and did well, graduating with honors at a top university. I don’t know, she has a successful job in magazine publishing and has launched a successful e-zine. I haven’t read it but it’s probably about body image. She’s totally been single forever, though, so really, who effing cares?

Jessie Ramsey: 

Refused to take place in update. Cannot believe she ever lived in Connecticut and worked with a bunch of crazy privileged bitches. Is now believed to be a doctor who earned money for her medical degree through couture modeling.