Fall Goals

-reconnect with my hair, “ah, hair, we meet at long last under this pile of frizz that rats would make their home”
-try on all my fall clothes from last year and throw them, dissatisfied, into a pile screaming
-head to Forever 21 so I can make misguided outfit choices like: burgundy tights (nope, never going to wear them), hunter green tights (why the fuck do I do this), a giant owl necklace, and a beanie that ultimately does not look good on my head
-MAC Diva lipstick and MAC Nightmoth pencil, TRUST
-be enamored with the color cranberry and frankly, not as impressed with the fruit
-wear down my pleather jacket just a little bit more
-every time somebody says “boots”…DRINK!!!!
-lose my umbrella
-treat a man so cold he puts on his jacket
-wish they would remake Hocus Pocus with Meryl Streep/Meryl Streep/Meryl Streep, Mindy Kaling/Jessica Williams/Aubrey Plaza, Tina Fey/Melissa McCarthy/Amy Poehler AND Bette/Kathy/Sarah LIKE MAKE THEM ALL
-oh and maybe like, an older hot guy for the cat? No reason hahahahahahahahahah no reason
-go to my parent’s house and convince them to show me where they store their trick’or’treat goodies. Eat em. Be a tiny helpless fucking fall baby on my parent’s house
-Instagram some stupid shit with like my feet and a book and weather and shit
-buy a candle that smells like sweaters
-use it to cast a spell on anybody who opens up those leaked pictures
-that would send an email to their parents of the last 10 things they googled
-guarantee one of them would be gross
-avoid candy corn, hoard the candy pumpkins, have to defend my choices to everyone
-less pumpkin spice, more apple cider with whiskey
-every time I crave a pumpkin spice latte, make a pumpkin pie instead, eat it while strolling through leaves
-keep my shorts in a pile for months “in case it gets hot”
-refuse to move my air conditioner out of the window
-let’s not kid, I never tried to get a bikini bod this summer because my bikini bod is MINE AND SPONSORED BY MEXICAN CORN AND CHEESE FRIES ON THE BOARDWALK, but now that a lot of people are off that steeze, I will eat heartily with them
-think about making hot drinks almost constantly and almost never do
-when I do, let the cup just sit there for a while
-enjoy fall for the week it actually exists, lay like a blob and do nothing, start singing annoying christmas carols before you know it

Oh, you know, just trying to write two blogs and a book and also not go insane! OKAY! Here’s my other blog!

Genuine Question For My Feminists

I’m talking to men directly in a chapter of my second book, and it’s resulting in a question I would like to crowdsource:

Does your brand of feminism speak to change men? To educate them? Do you feel like it’s worth to even speak to men who consider themselves anti-feminist or even misogynist? Or more so the men who are unconsciously partaking in bad behaviors?

Quite simply, does your feminism even include men at all?

I bought myself a card this weekend from @happyhourandco, which I will give to myself when I hand in my comedy memoir about being a feminist. Also: it will come with a bottle of whiskey.

I bought myself a card this weekend from @happyhourandco, which I will give to myself when I hand in my comedy memoir about being a feminist. Also: it will come with a bottle of whiskey.

Things I Learned In The Summer of 2k14

Scalp sunburn really hurts. Moisturize your neck. Give your nails a break sometimes and keep them bare. Be bare. Invest in a million different bras, including racerback and sport and ones with small straps and strapless one, too. Go braless. Take more napkins. Even more napkins than that. More. Recycle the napkins. The ice cream will melt right away. It’s melting now.

Bring a book on the long trip because your phone will die. Take more pictures. Day drink. Trade a whiskey drink for a cold lemonade sometimes. Go out with your friends. Talk to them about your problems and fears. Eat more things on sticks. Wear the clothing that makes you feel comfortable. Reveal the amount of skin you want. The sweat on the back of your knees won’t show on the seat.

Get all of your eye makeup off. Rub it again. Come on, there’s still more. Wear dark lipstick even in the summer. Give your skin a break by putting nothing on it but light moisturizer for three days straight. Buy a headband that pulls your hair back when you wash your face. Moisturize your legs. Shave them only if you feel like it.

Love your beach body. Part of loving YOUR beach body is not judging anyone else’s. Also: a little ass sweat never hurt anybody.

Ignore catcallers. Dream about ripping their vocal chords out their necks. Stay off Facebook. State your opinions. Call people out respectfully. Call people out gently. Don’t call people out on Facebook. STAY off Facebook.

Women are not a commodity. Women are not a commodity. Fight this. Fight this. Fight it. Fucking fight it. You knew it before this summer. Fight it more.

Ask people for new music. Buy vegetables and eat them all for dinner. And ice cream. Take care of yourself. You know what this means. Do it. Take care of yourself. Spend some time outside. Spend some time inside, with the fan on your face, thinking about absolutely nothing.

Watch the sun set often. Wake up, make your bed, drink lots of water, and try not to complain. Don’t wait till next year to go for it this time.