-Logan keeps saying he is ‘socially liberal, fiscally conservative” so many times, you almost start to forget the portrait of Ronald Reagan he has over his fireplace mantel

-Jess says his only regret in life is that he can’t go back in time and reread Naked Lunch as if he’s never read it before

-Dean’s favorite television show isn’t exactly Big Bang Theory, but yeah, he’ll keep it on if it’s marathoning

-Logan and his friends see Zoolander 2 and keep quoting it to each other, high fives and all

-Dean slowly eats a ham sandwich he made himself

-Jess keeps popping in, asking if anybody noticed his tattered DVD copy of The Royal Tenembaums. He leaves it in the bathroom so people can read the back.

-Somebody asks Dean a question and he goes “what?”

-Jess isn’t Banksy, perse, but he does keep a glass jar of pennies on his kitchen table that says BREAK THIS IF THE BANKS HAVE WON, and he breaks it with a hammer every time guests come over

-Logan knows Martin Shkreli well enough to have been invited to his Big Pharma Toga Party last year, but in his defense he didn’t even RSVP

-Dean slowly stares at his hands

-Jess turns off the television after a few minutes. “This shit will rot our mind,” he says. A few minutes later: “Although I do stream Mr. Robot.”

-Logan, unprompted, reminds us of his ethnic friends

-Dean shares a story: last year, he couldn’t find his socks. But later on, he did. They were IN his boots.

-Jess rolls his eyes. He didn’t have to watch Making A Murderer to learn about how deeply fucked up the system is. He takes out a match. “Today,” he announces, “will be the last time I ever let the government speak my name.” He burns a checkbook. It isn’t his.

-”No, I don’t have a checkbook. Why do you ask?” Jess, not so unprompted.

-Luke comes in, looking for his checkbook.

-Logan goes, “no problem, sport”, and gives Luke his checkbook.

-Dean, four days later, understands what just happened.

I might lose a lot of friends over this, and by friends I mean “people on the Internet who get mad when somebody doesn’t have the same not-based-on-fact-opinion as them.” But I have to tell my own truth. I don’t like chipotle. I’m glad that you like it, honestly. I wish you and Chipotle many great things. I hope you get your free burrito, and I hope you get to sit on a porch and eat chipotle chips and smile at the world and feel at peace. 

But I’m not into it.

Here is why I think Chipotle isn’t that good:

-too many onions in the fajita mix. Needs more peppers. I really dig peppers

-too many onions in the corn

-no queso sauce. Queso sauce is the bomb

-no refried beans

-huge bag of chips and a very small serving of guac

-unless you get a vegetarian burrito you have to pay for the guac anyway, which should be against the law

-burritos are always exploding

-I don’t like the whole “sour cream serving is just a big spoonful of sour cream,” very disheartening to see that

-waiting on line with a bunch of businessmen on their cell phones is not fun

-not super spicy. 

-when you say “only a little cheese” they put the same amount of cheese as if you hadn’t said anything at all

-the burrito bowl is mostly cold toppings

-tabasco sauce !!!! no thanks

-not sure why those lemons are out there by the sodas but okay

Leaving it here in case I forget

-a lb of apples, picked from the tops of trees as Icarus flew down from the sun

-cheese, made from not cheese

-grain from large plastic bins, much like goat feed at a petting zoo

-a granola bar that has been to college

-the kind of tortilla chip you can count on 

-sugar substitute extracted from old DVD’s, 1000% natural

-a thousand dollars worth of fruit

-a popsicle that is so far removed from what we know popsicles to be you might as well eat frozen cauliflower from a bag

-BBQ c’h’c’k’n substitute

-bread that got married to a small wHeat (said like wHEat, really say the h) field and goes back to visit it a few times

-butter made from either oil or a rich cow

-if you say coconut oil 3 times in the mirror, you will have somebody from your past pop in and tell you how to rub it on your legs as a shaving cream

-sentient kale that screams when you massage it with olive il

-JURASSIC PARK 6: DINO KALE

-something Gwyneth Paltrow has kissed

-water with more knowledge

-potato chip: what do you want

me: Just fuck me up

potato chip: cool, I’ll bake myself in a steel kettle with zero salt and add a bunch of weirdo grains

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Originally posted by gypsyastronaut

It’s Friendship Day or something, and so I thought I’d excerpt a piece from the chapter about my female friends in newest book You Don’t Have To Like Me: 

To be a good friend, you have to keep in touch. You have to send your friends notes that you are thinking of them, even if you are busy, even if you have a new boyfriend or girlfriend you want to kiss, even if you just send quick texts. You have to listen and remember things about them. You have to let their problems trump your own sometimes, even if you are frustrated with your own life. You have to let them eat your French fries, even if they didn’t order them because they are on a diet.

Let them borrow the clothes they want, but you do not have to let them borrow your makeup or your most expensive jewelry. Tell them what looks good on them, and what doesn’t. Be honest with them about 99 percent of the time, but use a bit of honey when you are feeding them vinegar. Let them talk to you about the same problem a million times. Know their favorite foods and be prepared to bring those foods over when they are sick or in mourning. Be there. Use caution when criticizing their significant others, but never stand silent and watch them get hurt. Let them know when they are too drunk or too angry or being unfair. Let them know when they get stagnant. Give them unsolicited advice. Give them love. Give them good presents. Talk shit when necessary. Listen. Help them pick out a haircut. Tell them they are pretty. Tell them they are smart. Tell them how to ask for a raise at work. Set aside whole days for  them. BE THERE. And don’t break plans…..twice in a row.