The Frenemy.

Jul 18

Hair Products I Enjoy

I am not so good at the hair. Makeup is definitely my thing. I feel confident about cat eyes and doing lipstick. Hair? Not so much. I have curly/wavy, thin hair that needs frequent washing. Also, I air dry it because I fucked up my hair so badly in high school from straightening it every day. And then I fucked it up again by dying it My Chemical Romance Black, Wendy’s Girl Red, Hot Topic Blood Red, and that chocolate cherry color that looks good on about 300 people in the whole world. So now I just use as little heat as possible on it to keep it healthy and purdy, save for special occasions when I do it up. Lack of blowdrying or curling means I need to have an arsenal of products at my disposal to make my hair not look like dog shit—with nothing but luck and the hands of the Mighty Hair God, who is definitely Jennifer Aniston or Mila Kunis. Side note—do you know how many times I’ve showed hair stylists Mila Kunis’ head before a hair cut? Do you know how many times I’ve been called Mila Kunis? Okay. Great. So here’s what I use:

Read More

Jul 17

Social Media Bullshit

Getting busier with the book, so I know posts have been sporadic lately…but don’t worry, I have a couple of makeup/hair products posts I promised, and probably some drunky rant posts too. But I am super excited about how the book is coming along! I have a paragraph long joke about salmon and dieting! I’m super excited for you guys to eventually read it. In the meantime, follow me on these other things. God, I love Instagram:

Instagram for: lipstick, pics of my old nose ring, drinks I am consuming

Facebook for: rants

Twitter for: drunk and disorderly conduct, also Planet of the Apes jokes I guess.

Finally: The Frenemy NYC Meetup! -

Just a reminder that this is on Saturday from 7-10 at 200 Orchard! Again, super pumped to meet you all. And as an FYI, I will be wearing that lip stain I always barf about, except in hot pink.

Super hope to see you lovelies there. I’m kinda nervous!

Jul 16

Quick Ass Ways To Lose Weight

-feel the weight lifted off your shoulders as you refuse to conform to impossible beauty standards and choose to love and respect your body as is. Ah, just feel the pressure melting right off you! I feel so light and free

-stop texting that piece of shit

-start ignoring people who make you feel bad about your body or are just generally unappealing troll people. Look for the kinds of slugs that like Terry Richardson or say anything bad about Mindy Kaling, or don’t give you any of their fries. That’s 120-160 pounds of easy weight loss right there, just watch it slip away as you get into a bikini and prance all around.

-clothes are around 2-3 pounds, so be naked and do naked things with a cutie

-honestly, it’s summer and you don’t need a 4 pound statement necklace at this point in time

-please, please put down the puppy you are dognapping. That is not your puppy. Please join the party now. I will forgive this but not forget, and be mindful of all puppies around you from now on.

-finish the plate of nachos you were holding. That’s a quick one pound weight loss there, look how easy that was, so simple and nice

-pee out the 4 margaritas you enjoyed on a nice hot summer day, just pee it all out baby

Jul 12

Me and my wedding date

Me and my wedding date