-Men do not have small intestines, they have sausage or hot dog links.
-If they have hot dog links, this means they are either serial killers, passionate gardeners, or will one day purchase a subscription to Penthouse Magazine. You can only find out what kind of intestine they have by eating them.
-Women can survive by eating only lipsticks and the tears they shed during Grey’s Anatomy
-Women will die if look directly into the face of a tampon, in the same fashion the Nazis die in Indiana Jones: Raiders of the Lost Ark
-If you are not a man or a woman, you are not only immortal, but you slowly become impervious to both raspberry jam and other people’s total bullshit towards you. No jam or bullshit for you. Also you can read the mind of deer.
-Women have the ability to fall down and have their dream man find them because they fell, but first the man must have another fiancé and they must go through 2 whole hours of dilemmas to the music of Colbie Caillat
-Men lose five years of their life every time they sing a song from Les Mis, but gain back ten years every time they chug a beer to a bunch of encouraging men. This isn’t to say men don’t love Les Mis, it’s just pure science. Really sad stuff.
-Women can shoot blood out of their body at such high speeds, it could decapitate a person dressed up as a bear, trying to sneak into a campsite.
-Men don’t know this, but all women know a simple spot on their body that can kill them. We have been unwilling to yield our power because once we do we can never eat froyo again. I would be very careful around vegans, if I were a man.
-Women don’t know this, but every man in the world is masturbating because of this sentence
-Men never have to hear questions like “do you think a woman should be president?” and “what are you, hormonal?” but they DO have to subject themselves to other men wearing fedoras and the idea that a lot of men are like John Mayer? I don’t know. Another fact: All men secretly love watching that old show on CBS, Jag. That’s where the phrase Jag Off comes from.
-All Men Go To Heaven
-All Women Are Standing Behind You Right Now
- Every time somebody says “as a man,” a fedora gets set on fire by me, it gets set on fire by me.
-All women can’t drive, they can’t drive when they are choking you to death for saying that actually, because both hands are around your neck
-Men’s eyebrows are made of talking caterpillars. That’s where the term “Cat Call” comes from. If a man cat calls you, you can rip the caterpillars off his face.
- Every time a man accuses a woman of not REALLY liking video games, she doesn’t give a fuck
-OMG you don’t have to get your period to be a woman that is not our defining characteristic, our defining characteristic is we can swallow oranges whole. The moment you identify as a woman you can swallow oranges whole.
-Some guys like all kinds of stuff! Some are pretty nice and considerate! Some are SNAKES.
-Not all women are waiting by the phone this very instant!
-OMG you don’t have to like Spike TV if you are a man, but that doesn’t mean Spike TV can’t sometimes be entertaining
-Every time you give unwanted attention to women, her teeth get a little sharper
-All Men Sing Wonderwall
- “The difference between men and women” burns down a forest! Please don’t say it! You smug little fuck, please don’t say it! Whatever comes out of your mouth is gonna be sorry horrible and I don’t have any dynamite to stick into my ears.
-Gender is a social construct *throws a chair at someone’s head??!?!?!?*
-All Men Sing Coldplay
-All Women can grow their breasts up and down, but they have to be left alone and never looked at, they must be left in the woods amongst a colony of witches for this to happen
-Men are from 30 Seconds to Mars
-Men are from Foo Fighters
-Men are Dave Grohl
-People, for crying out loud
It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. The following is a trigger warning. It was tough for me to write.
Congrats to scottishgirlenglishvillage! Shoot me a personal message and we can get this party started, baybe.
On a side note: thanks so much for all your answers. It’s super inspiring and bad ass to see how you’re getting older and learning the importance of treating yourselves better. Also: the #1 answer seen here was not giving a fuck, which I think is a really important lesson and one I personally follow. I also follow the breakfast-for-dinner-or-ice-cream-for-dinner philosophy.
So: don’t give a fuck when people say bad shit about you, don’t give a fuck when they don’t call you back, don’t give a fuck when somebody doesn’t like something YOU like, and don’t give a fuck when you’re eating french fries.
With Feel-Good Feb coming to a close, I’m beginning the end of it all with a giveaway. Note: This month has been awesome, so I’m not stopping any time soon. Writing almost daily has become a habit, and I’m gonna keep up with it as often as possible.
Okay. Back to the free shit. The giveaway, of course, is something that makes meeeeeeeeeeee feel good, so obviously this is a dash of self-promotion with one of those groveling “egh, I really never do this, don’t judge me” looks. I’m sorry. I gotta eat somehow.
Last May, my first book came out with Plume Books. “Don’t Worry, It Gets Worse,” is the heartelt tale of…..a very young, very green girl named Alida who graduates college with no money in her wallet and cheap whiskey in her freezer. Okay, the girl is me! She’s me! The call is coming from the house! It’s a memoir. My dad read it but skipped the strip poker chapter. So it goes.
Anyway, I’m currently writing my next book (which is gonna be about feminism!) and thus have to give away all of the first book. What is leftover must be burned, eaten, or turned into soup.
Nope. I kid: Plume has kindly put together a giveaway for me, complete with a signed copy of ‘Don’t Worry, It Gets Worse,’ and some other bookie goodies.
All you gotta do is a) not be international (sorry babes) b) answer a question by 12pm on 2/25 c)I’ll announce a winner and you gotta email me your address! So easy. Wow.
My answer, for the record, is eating ice cream for dinner and not going to frat parties. The question, though, is: What is the best thing about getting older?
They ask: I am a twenty-one (nearly twenty-two actually, damn) year old gal who has never had a partner or dated or had anybody interested in me at all really. I have two cats. Should I just lie down and accept my fate, that I’ll probably be eaten by them in my apartment when I die?
I answer: If you die one day in your apartment, yes, your cats might eat you. It’s not impossible, and that’s not the point. The point here is that you are alive and relatively uneaten at this point, and you need to stop lying down and be active in your own life.
The world doesn’t dole out landmarks. The world might make you feel that you should have a partner by 21, but it doesn’t hand one out for you. Stop giving up. Stop lying down. You are so young, and you know it and I know it. The world doesn’t give a shit about your timelines, so go make your own. The only person who is making you feel bad about not dating somebody by 21 is yourself. The only person making you feel rejected and weird is yourself.
Love is great. Ok, love is fine. Love is frustrating and painful and it starts and ends all the time. Also, everybody is looking for love. Statistically, we’re all just a bunch of meat monkeys trying to get hugged real hard, start tv shows with somebody else, and save up for vacations with. I can tell you “sure, you’ll find somebody,” but what’s that gonna do? Make you feel better before you lie down and wait for somebody to pick you up? I refuse to do that. Love yourself. Fight for yourself. Be active and not passive in your life, because nobody hands you anything you don’t reach for yourself.
Like I said, stop.
If I’m sounding harsh, fine..I am Tyra-rooting for you. I am rooting for all of you lonely, beautiful girls to iron up and live full and beautiful lives. Love is part of that ride. Love is not the end all be all. LIFE is. Go out there and feed the cats and start actively searching for the things you want.
Be happy, be active, take risks, put yourself out there, and love will come and go just like it does with anybody else.
But everything else will pass by just as quickly if you shut yourself out of it.