The Frenemy.

• Why I just forgot the thing that I was thinking
• If everybody in the room can smell my feet and are secretly discussing it 
• If The Real Housewives watch their show and wonder how they can afford all that makeup and why they sound like complete idiots
• If people in relationships feed each other like birds when nobody is watching and if I will have to do that too
• Why people wore Juicy clothes ever and if they really thought that wearing towel material and velvet looks good and not like things my grandmother might respect a curtain being made out of
• how I would sacrifice myself to the Gods if somebody read my Internet history
• if the people who created Olive Garden did it as a joke
• maybe nobody actually likes oysters they just pretend they like them because they are expensive
• how the world wouldn’t change at all if everybody who said “i’m really random” blew up
• how to make a good dinner out of freezer burned vegetables and one broken egg and some hot sauce
• why can’t I just wear the same outfit over and over again
• why can’t I just have all the clothes ever
• Is it Christmas yet
• Oh I see, I must have eaten my money for breakfast
• I will never learn how to correctly and normally shave
• if my phone is buzzing or I am just a crazy person who nobody ever texts
• why can’t people just send Chris Brown to some sort of forum where we can gently pelt him with vegetables and make fun of his outfit until his ego cracks at least a little bit
• I think that people should pay me for my movie commentary
• I think that people should pay me to make people walking in front of me move faster
• why is this water I am drinking not beer
• cake might smell better than it tastes
• if the people I like on the Internet are fake and created by a cruel God who wants me to long for things
• if wearing and buying a bandage dress will make me a sexy mummy or what
• maybe 50 Shades of Grey was just created by all of us, you know? 
• maybe we’re really running………………from ourselves
• if high heels were created to be the perfect murder weapon instead of being worn on our stupid, lifeless, ugly feet
• if my hair has been passive-aggressively frizzing out because I did something rude to it a long time ago and it’s too shy to approach me
• if being nervous to talk to people because you are so afraid of the dumb things they might say is normal
• brunch the day after is better than the night out
• maybe duck face DOES make girls look prettier because they seem so insistent on doing it
• when did Miley Cyrus grow up from a baby I wanted to punch to an 18-year-old I wanted to triple punch to an adult I’d maybe hang out with
• Jeez, why do I find Chris Hemsworth attractive my pheremones are not usually that mainstream
• dinner
• dinner
• dinner
• dinner
• why doesn’t everybody call me glamourous
• it sure says a lot about you if you quote Marilyn Monroe on your Facebook, huh?
• She couldn’t have possibly said all those things I’ve only heard her speak like twice
• why do photographs rebel against me
• maybe it WON’T take me forty minutes of sitting on my bed without pants on, exasperated and angry, until I finally choose an outfit for the night
• will there be snacks at this party
• if you speak close to me or you touch me so help me I will rip your arm off like I am a raptor
• Bill Pullman’s Speech from Independence Day
• WHAT IF me and my friends are the only non-boring people left on this planet that is what it seems
• why some girls give the rest of us a bad rep jeez we don’t ALL TALK ABOUT BEING OUR AUTHENTIC SELVES
• Who do celebrities have a crush on
• Probably me
• if I worked out consistently I’d probably look a lot worse
• I’m wearing too much jewelry, aren’t I
• How do you get to a place in your life where you are American but kiss people on both cheeks
• let’s watch all of that show Popular
• Channing Tatum, what am I gonna do with you
• I’m almost drunk, better fuck up everything with text messages and stuff
• Where did Amanda Seyfried go?
• I hope sharks will never learn how to walk
• I bet Rob Schneider would have a crush on me, that’s about it
• I’m wearing too much blush, aren’t
• Seriously what is that thing I’m thinking of

So, you probably get all bummed that you don’t see my hair and face that often. Therefore, I shall reconcile that tonight.

My friend Kelly McD is a charming, funny West Coast gentleman I’ve known for years. He lives in Cali and I live in New York, but we’ve continued to keep in touch because of our true love of whiskey and our general disgruntled natures.

One night over gchat and Jameson, we decided it would be hilarious to try out a semi-regular video chat show about dating, love, relationships, and everything in between. Like Batman. Or how I can drink an entire liter of Ginger Ale in one sitting. It’s a double coast, double gender, all booze extravaganza! It’s called 20 plus tip! Because we’re 20 plus, and we give advice! Hold on, I’ll pause while you are obviously laughing.

Click on this link at 11pm EST:

http://www.spreecast.com/events/20plustip

or just watched the archived version of the show after air.

you can tweet me questions you want to ask or send them in my ask box, and I’ll see if I can get to them!

And yeah, you have to sign up for Spreecast to view it. I don’t fucking own spreecast or anything and I barely know what it is, so I’m not plugging the site or anything. You just have to make a name and a password. You can do it!

It’ll be worth it to see me drunk and talking about boys, or something.

See you then!

My first slow dance was to this kid named Frankie at a girl’s Bat Mitzvah party. Her name was maybe Samantha, but all I remember was that I cannot recall her face without braces. I think she had braces for maybe 6 years, and must have had extraordinarily resilient crooked teeth. 

So.

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But I do all the time and are definitely weird

• Stick my finger in the cream cheese
• That’s amateur, sometimes I like to play the “why don’t I just put this on a knife until I find something that might go well with this cream cheese” but there is nothing so I eat it off the knife
• I bet butter would taste good on this (insert thing that is not good with butter) (shoe)
• Lamaze like breathing on the toilet
• Be 23 and still draw Sharpie tattoos on my wrists maybe I would look good with a butterfly and an initial come get it boys
• Decide what character I have made up and would be in my favorite television show that would obviously have great hair and steal all the men and wear great, expensive leather jackets
• Sometimes I want to crush a cupcake in my hands
• Instead of trying clothes on I stand in a dark corner and just imagine myself wearing those clothes and sometimes I am bursting out of them and sometimes I fit in them so beautifully and then I buy them or not
• Talk to dogs like they are human beings in case they definitely understand us
• Worry that the stuffed animals of your childhood have feelings and are mad they are in a box in my parent’s attic, damn you Toy Story Three, damn you
• Stare at your phone and try to ESP it until it delivers the text message you want this will work this will DEFINITELY WORK
• Try to choreograph a dance to Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I just simply don’t know what to do because does hit mean sex or what? Nobody has ever told me this
• Laugh maniacally over something I am thinking of when I am by myself
• Covet the tip of a fro yo like it is the hidden sea of Atlantis
• Have so many conversations with myself while walking around my room
• Or if not myself, maybe the couch or other various inanimate objects
• Imagine myself murdering/making out with strangers Love is a thin line to hate
• Make everything some stupid song
• Decide you would be friends with maybe Kristen Stewart, if you could
• Wear lipstick or get dressed even though you know you are not leaving the house and not sure if that is sad or saddest
• I have an acceptance speech in case you want me to win the Oscar, okay, it would be humble and also pretty funny and my dress would be black 
• Bite my fingernails and then pretend like I have not bitten them and discretely throw them somewhere the world doesn’t see
• WHY WHY THE FUCK WOULD I WEAR PANTS IN MY HOUSE
• Pretend like I have read a book or seen a movie just because seriously, shut up, you don’t need to describe it to me
• Laugh at informercials and then really want all of the products and then just essentially wait for that guy who sells the slap chop to say “because we can’t do this all day” since that is my favorite part
• Try and give yourself a brain freeze
• Try to hide your burps by swallowing them
• Stare into the mirror and make stupid faces because you know what, your mom lied, it won’t stay that way
• Let’s be honest, you just kind of grab your breasts sometimes
• Use your favorite television and comedy quotes in conversation and hope that somebody somewhere notices and loves you forever
• Refuse to stare in the mirror with the lights off, JESUS, you do not know who is IN THERE
• snort laugh because YOLO
• secretly stick my pinky out when I drink my tea
• Freak out about how fancy I am whenever I drink out of anything made of glass
• Stare at a cat and worry it’s the kid from Hocus Pocus stuck in a cat again
• Hope the waiter will decide what I want to eat at the restaurant
• Decide that you are not ENTIRELY SURE you are not a witch, stare at objects and see if they move
• constantly worry that you have left the oven on even though you have not made scrambled eggs in thirty years
• convince yourself you are going to get murdered because of COURSE your head belongs in a freezer you have seen television before
• For God’s sake, if the deli man gets your order wrong there is NO WAY you are going to give this sandwich back and ask for the tomatoes, have a mild panic attack when you wonder if you have asked for the tomatoes beforehand
• consistently think that something has fallen in your purse in H&M and you will get arrested
• Daydream about how well you would do in a heist or something
• Maybe the zombie apocalypse
• but yeah, you would die in a horror movie
• so scared to cough in a movie theater
• live an alternate life in a better, better, cooler world

SOME HELPFUL TIPS INCLUDE

• Don’t get an air conditioner, just hang out your window and have the neighborhood children chuck ice cubes at your face
• Instead of getting HBO which costs maybe a million dollars a month, try to find the episode online but worry the cops will come and shoot you for trying to catch the last episode of Game of Thrones, cry hysterically into your roommate’s mouth till he gives you his HBO GO password
• Instead of getting HBO, start screaming constantly in cute baby T’s just like Sookie Stackhouse and then scold people for wanting blood and then have sex with them
• Instead of eating out at fancy restaurants, eat an English muffin with some questionably old butter 
• Talk about your Twitter enough so that everybody hates you and nobody invites you out
• Save some money on razors by BAHAHA I know you’ve had the same razor for 84 years
• Instead of eating out at fancy restaurants, eat a tablespoon of hummus, a handful of potato chips, a squirt of mustard, and maybe 46 gummy vitamins
• Instead of eating out at fancy restaurants, die
• Buy some clothes! 
• To be fair, it’s summer and I NEED 46 different variations of sheer shirts and maybe some new sandals because I can’t walk around with gladiator sandals I’m not a savage.
• Don’t get a manicure, bite your nails but VERY CAREFULLY
• Go home for a weekend and stare at your mother with wide eyes until she buys you something for dinner, and if you’re lucky maybe a bra or some socks or something
• Save money on bars by sitting alone in a dark living room, watching Food Network and dribbling wine on your chin. If you get wistful for the bar life, rub water (sweat!) all over yourself and squat on the toilet, then play pop remixes very loudly while trying to avoid the various button-down shirts that you have laid around the room that keep asking you if you want a drink. Finally, hold your pee in for an hour while “pretending to get home” and wear heels and fall and hate
• Marry somebody rich like all those hot guys who worked at Enron (THROWBACK)
• Avoid your online banking website because if the credit card bill can’t see you, it’s not real, rock back and forth on your knees, it’s not real
• get a job that makes you tired all the time, like lifting heavy concrete or retail
• Watch so much Law and Order you’ll be too scared to ever leave the house again
• Keep on drinking so you won’t think so much about your finances, jeez, calm down
• Stop cutting your hair just rent it out to birds or Garnier Fructis commercials or something
• Go back in time before college, write the song Call Me Maybe, and dive into your piles of money
• Go back in time to the ’80s where your phone was hilariously huge and you made millions of dollars in white linen suits and cocaine and steak houses a year
• If you do either of those two things, sell your time machine to scientists, you idiot
• Stop buying Cosmopolitan magazine and just recall the 30,000 ways you have learned over the years to please a man from those time honored pages
• Make your Smart Phone a Stupid Phone by turning off the Internet and just doing all the other idiotic things you do on it
• Shave half off your electric bill by going to bed at a reasonable hour instead of staying up till 3am to stare at cats and maybe people you hate on Facebook
• Stop buying Edible Arrangements
• Laugh maniacally about your college loans until they are too afraid and timid to ask you to pay them
• Blow up all the Forever 21s to avoid temptation
• Sue a large corporation for charging you for guacamole on your burrito and totally become victorious like Erin Brockovich
• Find new ways to wear old clothing like spill coffee on it
• Stop drinking coffee just use good old fashioned fear of the unknown to keep yourself awake
• Purposefully get gently hit by a vehicle
• Money doesn’t buy you happiness! Do something for free like going outside or sobbing or some shit
• Give up all your hobbies
• The Countess says money doesn’t buy you class, so cross your legs and watch Bravo until you speak in a Klonopin-like trance of faux British accents and Pilates and freshly-baked Tilapia
• Instead of doing laundry, wear your jeans forever and ever and ever
• Don’t go to the movies, just stare at Adam Sandler’s new movie poster and hate everything
• Sex is free BUT so is not having sex
• Instead of going to the doctor, use WebMD and realize okay, according to this website you’re actually dead
• Accidentally spend money!  I NEVER SAID I WAS HELPFUL