July 2011
12 posts
Mini Beach Vacay
Okay, I’m heading out to the beach now, but I’ll be back on Tuesday and I’ll probably write sometime after then. Hopefully while covered in a tan and burping all the beer I plan on drinking. I don’t know why, but I really want a tan. I can’t help but think this makes me the shitty kind of person who is always like ‘i want a TAN I WANT TO BE A DARKER COLOR FROM...
Confessions of PMS
So what, I have my period? It’s only the one time of the month my body is so offended by its feminine wiles that it sheds blood tears out of my most sacred hole part. It’s not a big deal or anything, and it’s not like I’m dying! Although a lot of blood pouring out of your body often says otherwise.. like a GUNSHOT, for instance. Who gives a shit that the cramps which fill...
What I'd (Rather) Do In My Bed Than Have Sex
not have to worry about if there is hair on the back of my knees or my upper thighs or any place creepy
not have to worry about ingrown hairs looking like diseased spider eggs about to crawl out of me
think about having sex with an attractive celebrity
think about having sex with some guy I probably won’t end up having sex with
get sort of grossed out about some guy I did have sex with
...
How To Write A Frenemy Post
Somebody asked me how I get the inspiration to write posts, or how I write the way I do, or generally something along the lines of ‘you don’t seem to be a very functional person how do you do the Internet, though?’
It’s easy! I’ll tell you how:
I want you to put on your rattiest pair of pajamas. If you don’t have an old pair, just take a regular shirt, pour...
It's HOT
my brain is melting.
Sooo…I’m gonna be drooling on a beach in Cape Cod this weekend (not calling it THE CAPE because I’m not a jerkwad and really, I’m just going to be drinking vodka and trying to figure out if wearing a bandeau makes me look like a fuckface so it’s not classy). POINT is I’m gonna write something today and be away till from the ole Macbook...
Why I Love Being A Girl (in 2011)
Whiskey. I get to drink whiskey and I don’t give a shit if it ‘looks awesome’ or ‘is so tough’ because it’s not, it’s just delicious and I will drink too much of it and I will burp in your face and then order a taco. Screw you, that’s what I do.
I don’t have to wear heels, but I can if I want to. Heels make me look taller. If I feel like...
A Letter To Myself To Read Tomorrow
Dear Me-
I’m going to need you to wash your shorts. I’m very aware that you are under the assumption that ‘denim’ means either ‘NASA space miracle fabric’ or ‘perpetually not dirty voodoo magic cloth’ but it actually means ‘they need to have laundry detergent put on them sometimes even though they get smaller in the wash and you feel all gross...
3 tags
Get Over It!
The first time I had my heart broken, I used the word ‘heart broken’ because I physically thought there was something wrong with me. There was the breathing problems- the way my breath caught in my chest and I had no idea how to exhale it outwards, the kind of troubles I had swallowing, the way I’d sleep till 2pm. I wasn’t hungry, I could barely stand the daylight without...
1 tag
One-Year-Old
So I guess it’s the one year anniversary of The Frenemy today. Hoorah!
Who would have thought I could write so many things about eating cheese and drinking too much and being SO SINGLE? Not me! I’m terrible at keeping up with things except still trying to convince myself I look good in jeggings. I’m kidding, I know I look awful in them, I just don’t normally give a...
Summer Loving
Yeah, I get it. We all saw Grease when we were kids and watched John Travolta (before the evil demon of aging blew him up to double his Scientology worshipping size) swaying and leering at Olivia “Hot Prude” Fig Newton John. Not only did this movie make us shimmy with our equally awkward best friend during ‘You’re the One that I Want’, and not only did this move...
Why I Drink
To make you seem more attractive. It’s not that you’re not good looking or something, but let’s be real here: you are either mildly good looking or passably attractive. No offense to you or anything, just not sure I want to grab ahold of your face like the Alien alien and stick my ‘only for hamburgers’ tongue in your mouth.
To make you seem less attractive. Ahhhhh...
By Now
I thought that I would be mature enough to stop biting my nails. At this point, my nails are like snack food, they cannot be longer than a stub before I ravenously chew them off like a rat. Here I am, almost 23 years old and gnawing at my fingers like a crazed OCD psycho. I actually feel bad for my hands- the way I pick off my nailpolish like I am Avril Lavigne getting rejected by a Sk8tr boi, the...
