October 2011
12 posts
2 tags
Your Life Is Not A Movie
This is the only dating advice I can give, really.
The reality of it is this: I plan on making sugar cookies this weekend. You know the ones, the ones with cardboard exploding tubes that landmine sugar cookie dough all over your counter? There are pumpkins in the middle of these sugar cookie logs. They are adorable, although the tube is certainly a hazard to your eyesight. I will make these...
OKAY
Tomorrow, I’m going to answer a bunch of questions all day. So ask me something in my ask box or IAmTheFrenemy@gmail.com! Don’t ask me something stupid. I’ll do advice, if you want, or personal questions if I think they’re funny and worth noting.
For the record, I’m going to put a sheet over my head and probably go as a ghost for Halloween. Or I’m just going...
Halloween Costume Ideas
If you haven’t gotten your ‘ween outfit together, here’s a list I made for you to read:
Snookie Stackhouse: The vampire loving meatball that rolls around and destroys everything in its hungry, “Italian” path. Shoots arrows out of her vagina for good measure, talks in an annoyingly exaggerated accent, is the color of an egg yolk that disappoints all the parents.
A...
When I'm In a Rut
There’s a low point you reach at bars sometimes.
I get it, I’m in my twenties, I’m supposed to high five people at bars. I’m supposed to be enveloped in the kind of life that supports people who wear plaid shirts and Axe body Spray and tips a dollar for drinks. I’m supposed to wait on bathroom lines for fifteen minutes before squatting on a dirty toilet, praying to...
Things I Am Really Bad At
returning phone calls or emails or text messages at any speed other than ‘if I want to lick your face I will respond if I do not and you are not a boss of mine I will slowly lower my eyes at this technology and pretend I do not know how to use it in a timely fashion’
refilling ice trays at any time other than the times I won’t use ice for three weeks
not telling somebody I was...
4 tags
2 tags
Make It Worthwhile, Chump
I could sit here and complain about how I’m single because oh, Christ, how I can get good at doing that.
There’s a couple of drunken nights I can recall in the long stretch of time I’ve been single or ‘unable to introduce a plus one at cocktail parties.’ Nights where I swig wine out of the bottle and detest myself for doing that, because it might be exactly why...
What I'd Rather Do Than Lose Five Pounds
eat a burrito
eat a burrito and spring for the extra 75 cents that it costs for guacamole, even though I find the fact that they charge for avocado on a dish that traditionally comes with it FOR FREE makes me feel more and more like the 99% everyday
wear the great equalizer-a pair of pajama pants or sweatpants- and realize that my butt always looks like a flat piece of paper in these pants no...
2 tags
Drum Roll Please
Andddddddddddd the number one reason I will never be a Cosmo Girl-I discovered the results of this poll on the Cosmopolitan website today.
21% still have a chance.
(Wait, I will never be a Cosmo Girl because they don’t like taco binges and lesbians, which are two things that I love.)
(I do think about sex when I think about Lee Pace or Michael Fassbender or that one guy that works in...
Naughty Cosmo Texts
Oh, Cosmopolitan Magazine-it’s been far too long since I have opened your pages and smelled your incessant perfume ads. Shakira has a new parfum now, I say while reading about members and riding members and shocking statistics about vaginal yeasts and healthy avocado fats. Did you know that animal print is back in again, making its triumphant return for the 30th year in a row? Did you know...
Four Eyes
I walked past a billboard today and it was Zoey Deschanel advertising The New Girl, even though she is “the old, well, we’ve already seen THIS before Girl” but whatever. The point is, Zoey D is “adorkable,” a phrase that made me sort of throw up into my hand and feed it to birds, and it’s because she wears glasses and is therefore so not COOL but still endlessly...
Bar Thoughts
The things I think about at a bar:
Fuck, I don’t have enough cash. I never have enough cash. But I just took cash out, like ten minutes ago. Is this because I have suddenly started eating cash as a snack? Is this because of the one time I just started chewing on five dollar bills like a cow? Should I start a tab with the fifteen dollar minimum or should I take out 40 bucks with the 1.99 ATM...
