People really want to fall in love. Actually, let me narrow this down a bit: according to meg ryan movies, Jack Johnson, and tampons, girls really want to fall in love. Sarah Jessica Parker would be one homeless Black Beauty if women across America didn’t blow their emotional loads over the hope they will one day bump into Prince Charming on a horse full of baggage.
Sometimes this desire begins to border on desperation. There are a lot of crazy single girls that give us normal single girls a bad name. You’ve seen them infesting the streets like zombies, wearing romantic tops and hoping to infect men’s brains by spewing Paramore lyrics into their eyes. Statistics show that 99.7% of single females today are ‘sarcastic, beautiful, wild. I speak my mind and I’m not your average cookie-cutter girl.’ With further research, the root of this epidemic lies in the recent Facebook ‘Favorite Quotes’ phenomenon that women are basically apples:
The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren’t as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they’re amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.
Now listen- I understand we all really want to find someone we can flop around in meadows with and listen to Boyz II Men songs that are all like “I will die for your love ” which is way too much for my taste. I mean- would you really want to get stabbed in your ribcage for some dude who wears too much cologne and likes Tom Wolfe? Would you get shot in the face for a Taylor Swift song? Whatever dude, love and light.
However, with all this love searching, the phrase ‘Online dating’ still leaves a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. We’ll go to bars and drink till we’re stupid or until some guy approaches us with some crap line and he’s all like “I love Muse too wanna come back to my place?” But online dating- that’s weird! It’s kind of like eating scrambled eggs without seasoning but instead of eggs it’s a fat man with a cat fetish who disguises his hairy back with a profile picture he took in 1982. It’s kind of like admitting you actually like Entourage. You know the feeling you get when somebody tells you they met their boyfriend online: you judge and glee and it’s all deliciously stupid but wait! Nobody admits they met their boyfriend online because it’s creepy. It’s like, hello internet give me your tired, your huddled masses, your desperate and your lonely because I will find you the love! Give me a boyfriend because I want one so! so! bad that I I found one on the world wide web! Find me my sn is SassyKittenz15!
Then, out of nowhere, I’m enjoying my gin and more gin, watching television and being alone, when one of those pissy little match website commercials come on. You know the kind: doe-eyed couples staring at each other in stupid cardigan sweaters, kissing each other happily and being like “I SUCK UP HAPPINESS LIKE A ZOOMBA!” There they are, swinging on children swings and there’s music and lilacs and I kind of want to set myself on fire but I don’t because there’s a statistic:
1 in 5 relationships starts online.
Shut the front door there pals, because that statistic just took some Family Circus magic love pipe dreams and made them hard stoned reality. 25 percent of people in America find love on the internet? Well, I guess it makes sense. I bank online, I buy shoes online, why can’t I meet my next boyfriend? Oh, right. Because I’m not a freak.
However, the dating pool is full of weirdies. If dating were were actually a pool it would be a town pool full of little weird losers who piss in there and splash you and your dad wouldn’t want you to swim in it. But I took the statistic seriously and given that the last guy I had met at a bar had the opening line of “I’m a youtube celebrity,” I decided to try it out. Why? Because I’m bored. Because I’m an agoraphobic narcissist. Because I really am sick of bad dates, and I figure since many girls like me aren’t subscribing to the Rom Com Pipe Dream way of being single, perhaps I should be proactive about it and see what’s up. I’m an independent woman, damnit- I can suspend my dignity for a moment. Regardless, I went on one of the free sites which was OkCupid, because I’m not paying for this hit. OkCupid could also be a Fall Out Boy album name.
So I’ve had this thing for a couple of weeks and I what have I learned? Well, I guess you’ll just have to wait for that one. Not because I’m trying to pull you back into reading more of my blog but because my vodka ran out so I’m spent. (Spoiler: Online dating is for mostly freaks)
Stay tuned fuckers. Not that I expect you too, I’m just saying you can.