With every action there is a reaction, just like with every Cosmopolitan article there are three 20-something men telling us how they “really see it.” Who cares if these men dole out high-fives and wear polo shirts like “Axe deodorant representative” is their official job title? Who cares if they’ve got “pump and dump” engraved on the watches their grandfathers have passed down to them? When Carl, 27, a professional Hollister model and steak fanatic tells us that “for me, girls who wear stilettos are sexy because they’re in so much pain they can’t speak” we better listen. Whether or not Cosmo finds these college-aged experts on the street, passed out in the bar bathroom, or simply having a penis somewhere in the zone we’re standing in, they are experts on women and we cannot argue with them. Because they are men. And men are always right. Our buddy Scott K. investigates:
Sure, you already read Cosmo, ladies, which makes you a Sexpert Sextician with a PhD in Sexy. But aren’t you sometimes still, like, super confused by men? I mean, what is the deal with men? SO CONFUSING. Who wouldn’t want to find out if Katherine Heigel and that guy from Transformers can overcome their hatred for one another and learn to love that baby that they’re caring for? That movie could end dozens of ways! Which brings us to Cosmopolitan’s “Ask a Guy!” section, where real men answer your real sex questions using real English. Finally, here are all your topical relationship worries addressed by certified hunks! Hunks.
How does your sexual partner’s concern for the cholera epidemic in Haiti adversely affect your intimate moments?
“Whenever a girl gets too mushy on me, whether she wants a ‘second date’ or wants to talk about the catastrophes plaguing the third world, that’s definitely a boner no-no! Brad, 25, sous chef
“Men don’t like it when they’re about to see some boobies and girl be remindin’ them of the suffering of their fellow human beings. Dudes be like, ‘Damn, girl, now you got me donating money to the Red Cross when all I wanted was mutually-agreed upon intercourse!’” Wilford, 29, alcoholic
“’Cholera?’ ‘Haiti?’ Are those words? Is this a trick?” Sebastian, 23, special envoy to the U.N.
“Guys hate being reminded of the diseases that killed off their Oregon Trail family when they were kids. That’s the kind of thing that really haunts you.” Archimedes, 26, alchemist
If a girl you’re dating farts near you, what is your preferred method of leaving her apartment/the restaurant/the church?
“I’ve trained my face muscles over the years to remain motionless no matter what disgusting noise comes out of my lady companion. I am able to perfectly mask the contempt that overwhelms me until I have a moment to excuse myself and flee the scene. Ideally, we are in the middle of a date and I have just left her with the bill. It is what she deserves.” Alphonse, 30, seal trainer
“A lot of guys are big fans of the whole ‘fake my own death and move to another state’ routine, and I’ve got to say it’s worked for me so far. I probably singlehandedly keep the black market passport industry in business.” “Johann”, 29, bootblack
It’s Game Day, but your girlfriend wants to go shopping somewhere emasculating. What do you do?
“Every Sunday, I wake up at 5:30 a.m. To preemptively slash the tires of my Road Ranger. ‘Oh no, honey!’ I say when I wake up and pretend to notice. ‘The tires have been slashed, and AAA won’t be able to come til tomorrow! Looks like we’ll have to settle for the Seahawks game!’ I think she may becatching on at this point, though.” A Different Brad, 27, tennis pro
“I drop hints like I’ve paid the Jumbotron guys to show a giant proposal to her on the screen, but never come right out and say it. This conveniently postpones the fight we have until after we’ve watched the whole game together.” Alex, 26, mortician
Well, you heard it here first, ladies. If you don’t agree…well, that’s just why you’re single. Fart.