May 2012
3 posts
For Natalie, On Change
For the most part, I say I dig change, but for the most part, I can be a real fuckin’ liar sometimes. I get upset when my favorite show ends, and I have trouble taking different routes home from the subway. I have parted my hair in the middle for three years. I would say YOLO, but that’s a new phrase and so I won’t say it and stop trying to MAKE ME.
I was thinking about change...
Things I Would Like In Five Years
a week of good hair every month
nail polish that never chips but removes easily
a faucet that produces, when you want it to, Snapple
a tub of hummus the size of my body
gay marriage legal, celebrity marriage a state by state kind of thing
the ability to make my favorite television characters exist, and so Ron Swanson might suddenly be my uncle or something, and that bar in True Blood is...
Dreams
For a little while, there was all the things we talked about and all of those things were love.
There was a restlessness we equated to lack of love, to missing love, and oh, god, I am so tired of talking about love. I am not here to talk about love because I don’t know what it is and I don’t know where to find it and I am tired of making up solutions to answer these questions.
I want...
April 2012
7 posts
#3 On The Boots and Leather
When I was a real small baby, I used to carry this thing I called ‘a rag.’ Spoiler alert: it was a blanket and I wouldn’t go outside without it. Frankly, to call the most coveted item of my childhood ‘a rag’ is vaguely offensive to my toddler self, but I didn’t know that at the time and that’s what it was named. There’s a point to this..
Frankly, to...
3 tags
#2: On The Book
I want to talk about the book. I guess one of the reasons I want to talk about the book is because sometimes I forget that I’m not writing an incredibly long paper for some kind of college assignment. It’s a 240 page thesis? Okay, I’ll do it!
I’m kidding about that, but only mildly. I know the seriousness of this, in the way I know the seriousness of the interest of my...
#1: On Procrastination
As it goes, I’ll never have to outrun anything. Dinosaurs, for example, are dead. Zombies are a distant dream, one that pictures me swinging a sword that ostensibly, I have no real access to. I’d probably cry over my loved ones and die. I’d probably break my glasses and die. There are also no rabid chimps in New York City, so no, running is something I do not have to do.
...
Question Time
Here’s what it is. I’ve got popcorn. I’ve got beer. I’ve been away from the blog a little longer than I’d like to be because a) I got a parttime job working at a thrift store and my feets be tired and b) book and c) oh GOD I just want to watch bad television sometimes and eat the things all the things. But today is Friday and I’ll answer the first three...
Things I've Learned
Here are some things I’ve probably learned by now. Please note that some of these things I should have learned by now but it hasn’t quite set in yet. Please note that some of these things I am so, so close to finally getting. I am a sloppy work-in-progress.
Everything is worse and better and bigger at night and in the exact moment you’re having it, and then it’s just...
If The World Ended
If the world ended tonight, everyone knows we’d end up on the roof. The roof is where you go when there’s fireworks, when you need lemonade in silence, and when everything is over. There would be whiskey for me just when the fires started. A real display. I’d throw the empty bottle thirty feet down because really, who cares?
In the hours before, I’d eat a twenty dollar...
A Dive Bar Review
12:30am, The H.M.S. Dive Bar:
I’m writing this because I’m not sure I will ever see the light of day again. This place is not what it seems, but the decor is adorable.
I was stuck on the bathroom line for approximately 20 minutes or 36 hours, because there are only two bathrooms and the girls in front of me come out in new outfits or something every time they leave, like they are in...
March 2012
4 posts
You Should Seduce Yourself
I think you’re a pretty good lookin’ lady. There. I said it.
I think you’re a such a good lookin’ lady, but baby, I don’t like you only for your body. Don’t worry, your body is slammin and all but you’re pretty nice too. I like you for your MIND. You got some funny things tumbling around in there.
In fact, I think you are so all around great that I want...
When In A Bad Mood
What I Do:
curl up in a ball on my bed like a feral cat that has just found its way into a human bed so it feels the need to roll around on it and scratch at the pillows because who gives a fuck, it has claws
never leave the comfortable cave that is my bed, my bed is my cave and my special place and my Sabrina The Teenaged Witch Other Realm, leave me alone
eat all the things and the progression...
On Saying What You Mean
If I counted the amount of times I went without saying how I really felt on my hands, I could simply clasp my hands over my mouth and let the 1,000 other phantom fingers float somewhere in space.
Funny enough, it goes without saying how much I really don’t really say anything at all. Ever. If you were an outsider (i.e. not my brain or my best friend) you might never see it. I can be really...
Cosmopolitan Articles I Would Write
As a full-time freelance writer and part-time lady, I feel like I am completely qualified to write for Cosmopolitan magazine. For instance, like a human or maybe an intelligent monkey, I can type nonsense into my computer at any given time! Furthermore, like a human with breasts and a sassy hairstyle, I can translate that nonsense into female-centric ragtime! Here are some of the articles I would...
February 2012
6 posts
On Hope
Somebody asked me what made me feel hopeful. Here’s my answer:
Days I wake up and feel happy even though I have nothing to look forward to
Days I wake up and know exactly why I feel happy and that’s the best
The tiny, ridiculous victory of not sending a drunk text
A free drink, bought by a friend or given by a bartender and not some shitbag in Dockers trying to get in your pants...
Question Time!
Given that the only things on my mind right now are: what I should have for dinner, the great abyss(!!), and how Bud Light Platinum should admit to us all that it’s their beer for douchebags, I believe it’s time for some questions from all you lovely readers.
This is my ask box.
Fill it up with the things you’d like to see me write tonight, personal questions that I’ll...
2 tags
Or A Declaration
What happened?
There, with the young face slack with worry, disdain, and exactly the kind of look eyeliner or a beer on a Saturday doesn’t cover up. I’d call that longing, you call it boredom. A listless feeling that where you are is not where you want to hang up your coat and stay a while. Nobody will notice, you think.
This is your sadness, your secret, the comfort blanket of...
Watch Me On This Thing For Reasons
My friend Gaby Dunn of 100 Interviews/New York Times Magazine has a chat show:
http://www.ustream.tv/channel/are-we-best-friends
If you click this link and go to the most recent post, you can see the hour chat we just had. Or ten minutes of that chat, if you get bored. Maybe you’d like to see my face, or why I hate the word Frenemy, or why I like you girls so much, or hear the title of...
If I Miss Things That Never Happened
It is cold enough to walk around without gloves for no more than six minutes. Breath is visible, but I am (always) searching for a slice of pizza and must not fail. I am missing summer, I think, exactly in the way a freezing person might think that.
At first, I picture the sweat that sticks to the back of the neck, the forty-seven gulps of water in desperate relief, the ice cubes that melt, the...
The Things I Wish I Could Say
I’ve already done my laundry today and it is folded and put away!
Of course I have no responsibilities right now, we can just get drunk all day on this Wednesday.
I love handing over my rent check, it feels somewhat like flying
Why yes, ‘dancing to *NSync in my underwear’ is on my resume? So now I get ALL the money in the world?
My credit card bill is so manageable, you...
January 2012
5 posts
We Should All Be Soooo Cool
It could have been the moment John Connor rode his dirt bike straight into the ventricles of my childhood heart. It could have been the moment I realized you didn’t need to fill out any special forms to get a leather jacket. It probably was related to the moment I started harboring a crush on Kevin, the 12-year old who wore cut off band t-shirts and ate cold Hot Pockets. Whatever moment it...
You Deserve An Everyday Moment Of Bliss
You know, you don’t have a lot of things to complain about, okay?
There are certain things I don’t want to hear at 3am with a fire belly full of whiskey and the kind of potato chips I would only consume past the hours of reasonable thought. Sweet Onion, for Lord’s sake. At 3am wearing smudged eyeliner and clutching the phone that is my greatest and most untrustworthy weapon, I...
The Kinds Of Love There Are
I literally need to lay down in fields of roses and stare at your face for hours
I am Rihanna in the Rihanna video so I need to wear fancy clothes and blow cigarette smoke into your mouth
Get the fuck away from me! I’m sick of you! I’m going to throw this vase!
We can never be in the same room you insufferable love wench
I have stared at you technically for years and have never...
The Things We Did As Kids
You and I? We’re so fucking mature! We have real world problems like whether or not we should drag our asses off our Ikea couches and buy a sandwich at the falafel place down the block. Whether or not we should subscribe to Netflix or OkCupid! Whether or not we should go to a bar on a Wednesday night! It all feels so encompassing, this real adult world, and because of it I have ABANDONED MY...
Resolutions
January First shouldn’t mean shit, anyway.
Perhaps it means something to sequined dresses for finally getting another ‘go around’ on the old gams, or to club promoters for that terrible puff of self-importance, but it doesn’t really mean much to me. That’s because time is a construct!!! I am not my liver!! Actually, if my liver could say anything to me right now it...
December 2011
9 posts
Question Time
I’m spending one more day in the suburbs before I “jet” back to BK with 36 pounds of new clothing from Forever 21 that I shouldn’t have bought because seriously, how many blazers does one girl need? That’s not the point. The point is that I like to do two things every time I’m home: watch On Demand television because my parents have HBO and that’s like...
New Year's Eve: An Imagining
No, I’m not going see NEW YEAR’S EVE EVER, YOU DIMWITS.
Retraction: I will see this movie on some blustery April night in 2012 because I watch movies on the Internet sometimes when I’m feeling bad about myself. I want my eyes to be punished! Bring on the Kutcher! However, this day is months away and I crave my Gary Marshall ensemble comedy fix right this momento, and NO!...
Drunk Thoughts
I should buy another drink because if I don’t my social lubricant will dry up and die
I can only talk to people at a certain point of drunkeness
I’m not drunk enough to enjoy all these people I hate these people
Goodness, I will try my damndest to reach a point of enjoyment! Cheers to wine!
My bed is probably the most comfortable place in the world, like if a cloud burped up...
2 tags
Up All Night
When you’re up this early or up this late because you can’t sleep, it’s probably a case of this—
Ipod music set to some nostalgic crap or God help me here come the waterworks, Band of Horses. You ever listen to No One’s Gonna Love You at 5am, face buried in your pillow? That shit really cleans out the sinuses.
It’s usually a combination of things that sets...
2 tags
Win A Free Ticket to The Moon in NYC! Hang out...
My friends over at The Moon are having an awesome holiday show featuring two of my absolute favorite comedians in the whole world: Julie Klausner and Michael Showalter (from The State!!).
If you want to know a little more about The Moon, know this—
The Onion loves the Moon. The Huffington Post loves the moon. Reggie Watts loves The Moon. I FUCKING LOVE THE MOON. Check out their website...
I'm Not Having Sex..
If there is anything you should know about me this very moment, it’s that I floss every day. If you need to know another thing about me, it’s that every girl in the world is having more sex than I am.
I’m not kidding. Look around you! The woman from Illinois, walking around Times Square with eight large Macy’s bags and 36 cretin children gets more sex than I do. That old...
6 tags
Pics o' Girls Eating
The response has been amazing so far, but I want more! I’m hungry for pictures of you eating food. Don’t be classy or shy about it. Submissions end tomorrow at 6pm, so keep em coming!
(read my last post if you don’t know what the hell I’m yapping about)
Edit: Deadline set till tomorrow cuz I won’t have time to sort through these tonight.
IAmTheFrenemy@gmail.com or...
1 tag
Pictures of Girls Eating, Again
Yeah, so the Victoria’s Secret show was this week and whatever, it’s fine that you want to walk around with feathers coming out of your back like you are dead and date Adam Levine and have a “slammin” body (although it’s not the only type of slammin’ body one can have). It’s fine that the fashion show is filled with lingerie that in no way exists at...
November 2011
9 posts
What Happens When I Visit Home
It’s Thanksgiving break. Earlier this week, I left the bodega cats and the garbage smells and the 24 hour diners to head home to the suburbs. You know, to eat turkey and stuff with my family. I’m American! If you’re in college or in an apartment and you don’t live at home, there are certain traditions and moments you experience when you visit the ole homebase. Here they...
Thankful Thankful
As you all might be aware of, today is the day where people sit around and eat thirty pounds of mashed potatoes and talk to their relatives about how single they are but it’s NOT SAD. It’s a usually fun holiday because there is cheese and there is wine and for me, there is Jeopardy. We are also supposed to wax poetic about the things we are thankful to have in your life. There are lots...
New Blog!
Me and my roommate/bffmate/crushmate Amanda spend a lot of time sitting around the apartment talking about boys. Not boys we know, of course, but celebrities! We liken ourselves to 16-year-old girls: we just want to eat popcorn and make out with guys we see on television.
Just the other day we drank some beer and talked about ‘if we would sleep with Michael Fassbender even if he...
Editing!
It’s hard! My edits for the book are due next Monday. I probably won’t be writing too much on the blog until then, because I have to dig through the 240 pages of material I’ve written to find the gold there, which is like finding a needle in a haystack…of needles! Humblebragging! That’s a thing, right?
Well, at least I’m not going as crazy as I could be, as I...
A Story
When I go to bars and I stare at cute guys- the kind of lecherous stare that is saved for the witch in Hansel and Gretel with her house made of candy-I don’t get embarrassed if they stare back and don’t reciprocate. Why? Because I’ve already reached my peak of embarrassment. There’s a story-
When I was in fifth grade, I ran for class president. I had the speech typed out...
1 tag
To My Friends
You must know the romantic comedy trope I’m about to reference- Katherine Meg Ryan Aniston is in a puddle of tissues, mascara dribbling down her face in a graceful swan lake. She’s telling the camera or her mother about her latest accomplishment, probably some amazing breakthrough in the world of bakery pottery dog-sitting Banana Republic clothes. She, the ever strong tree in a forest...
I Will Tell You When I'm On My Period
I want to tell him to grow up, but he wouldn’t have heard me, on account of him covering his ears and all.
There’s this guy standing in front of me right now-adult, able to buy his own toothpaste, knows his jeans size in inches. This guy has totally lost his shit somewhere on the corner of Metropolitan and ‘maybe we should have taken a left’, and it’s technically...
100 Best Sex Tips of the Year
In honor of the new December issue of Cosmopolitan magazine, which boasts the 100 best sex tips of the year, The Frenemy decided to present it’s rival list. Let’s see which one is more useful.
Claw your way out of his insides
Open him up like a steamed mussel
Repeat “they’re not like us” over and over again without explaining what that means
Wrap your legs around...
Halloweeeen
For Halloween, I was a dead sheep. With a nose ring, I guess. Here’s the thing- I woke up at 8am (scary enough for a girl like me) and I watched Law and Order. It was about brunettes who got murdered on the L train. I was freaking. This holiday is only fun to me because of Hocus Pocus, pumpkin things, and Jack Skellington. Otherwise, it’s drunk people who suck and stuff. Here is a...
October 2011
12 posts
2 tags
Your Life Is Not A Movie
This is the only dating advice I can give, really.
The reality of it is this: I plan on making sugar cookies this weekend. You know the ones, the ones with cardboard exploding tubes that landmine sugar cookie dough all over your counter? There are pumpkins in the middle of these sugar cookie logs. They are adorable, although the tube is certainly a hazard to your eyesight. I will make these...
OKAY
Tomorrow, I’m going to answer a bunch of questions all day. So ask me something in my ask box or IAmTheFrenemy@gmail.com! Don’t ask me something stupid. I’ll do advice, if you want, or personal questions if I think they’re funny and worth noting.
For the record, I’m going to put a sheet over my head and probably go as a ghost for Halloween. Or I’m just going...
Halloween Costume Ideas
If you haven’t gotten your ‘ween outfit together, here’s a list I made for you to read:
Snookie Stackhouse: The vampire loving meatball that rolls around and destroys everything in its hungry, “Italian” path. Shoots arrows out of her vagina for good measure, talks in an annoyingly exaggerated accent, is the color of an egg yolk that disappoints all the parents.
A...
When I'm In a Rut
There’s a low point you reach at bars sometimes.
I get it, I’m in my twenties, I’m supposed to high five people at bars. I’m supposed to be enveloped in the kind of life that supports people who wear plaid shirts and Axe body Spray and tips a dollar for drinks. I’m supposed to wait on bathroom lines for fifteen minutes before squatting on a dirty toilet, praying to...
Things I Am Really Bad At
returning phone calls or emails or text messages at any speed other than ‘if I want to lick your face I will respond if I do not and you are not a boss of mine I will slowly lower my eyes at this technology and pretend I do not know how to use it in a timely fashion’
refilling ice trays at any time other than the times I won’t use ice for three weeks
not telling somebody I was...
4 tags
2 tags
Make It Worthwhile, Chump
I could sit here and complain about how I’m single because oh, Christ, how I can get good at doing that.
There’s a couple of drunken nights I can recall in the long stretch of time I’ve been single or ‘unable to introduce a plus one at cocktail parties.’ Nights where I swig wine out of the bottle and detest myself for doing that, because it might be exactly why...