May 2013
11 posts
*Nothing pisses me off more than people romanticizing the Great Gatsby quote
“I hope she’ll be a fool—that’s the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.” Oh, great! Love seeing this picture over Instagram photos of lipstick and flowers and shit. Daisy Buchanan was a flowery weed in flapper sequins. The best thing a girl can be in the modern world (where some psycho...
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To People Who Have Graduated College A Couple Of...
A couple of years ago, (around this time although I do not remember the day nor does it warrant looking up) I, too, graduated college.
That’s right, you fresh crop of Facebook photo albums, I ALSO once carried a smart phone while frantically looking for my parents post-ceremony, lost in a sea of light cardigans and Ann Taylor mom pants. That’s right, you group shots of bright cheeks...
And here I am in what I now know to be the brightest and loudest outfit I own. The Kraft Singles to a Eugene Mirman/Stephen Colbert sandwich. I’d say this be a good fuckin’ week.
P.S. I played LIFE the board game this weekend for the first time in years. It’s a lot more sobering now, although a lot easier to find a job (Cop: 100,000 a year) and a lot easier to purchase a...
Party Tonight!
I am very excited for the party tonight. So excited, I’m actually listening to Pitbull right now. It’s VERY humbling (after all, you can see him in Times Square with a Kodak).
Here’s the Facebook invite again.
And if you can’t make that but still want to hang, OR if you’re coming and want to continue to hang out:
AFTERPARTY IS AT TEN AT WHISKEY WARD (121 Essex...
Thought of The Day: Facial Scrub
Sometimes, a girl just needs to slather shit all over her face.
I bought this Avocado/Oatmeal/Olive Oil/Condiment Facial Mask (masque) and put a thick layer all over my mug last night. Now, a true evolution of my character happened when I stopped thinking facial masks were a way to make stepmothers seem scary in children’s movies. Now I treasure them. I love clay ones, too. Dirt. I would put dirt...
Daily Thought: My Dream Fridge
Instead of posting less because I have a book (the annoying curse of blog-to book), I have decided to post more. It usually takes me a couple of days to form the cohesive thoughts of a big ole post, which I won’t stop doing about [feminism! Body image! Lists about summer!] Now, I want you guys to kind of peek into my life a bit. If you think this is a shitty idea, let me know via compliments and...
So today is the day my first book comes out. “Don’t Worry, It Gets Worse” can be purchased at all the book stores I used to go to and wish in.
I am wearing an uncharacteristically colorful dress and I am getting cheese fries for lunch because I don’t truly know how to celebrate this. It is a dream. I do not know how to celebrate when dreams come true, when dreams are made of late nights and nerves...
Winner of the Giveaway
Congratulations to coercedintoobsession for winning a bunch of crap from MEEEEE. Thanks to everybody on Fbook and Tumblr for preordering and entering.
Lady, all you gotta do is email me at IAmTheFrenemy@gmail.com with proof of preorder and your address, and I will FIND YOU. Or mail you stuff. Doooo it by tomorrow by 3pm or I’ll choose again.
For everybody who didn’t win, I’m...
What I Learned When Writing A Book
So it’s the dawn of my book release and I am feeling many things. Nerves. Excitement. A stomachache because I decided to get a Dunkin Donuts breakfast wrap this morning. An ungodly Monday decision.
[Note: Wanna buy a book early? Links are on the side of the page. Read the post below and learn how to be involved in a pre-order giveaway, which ends tonight!]
I was going to write a post, something...
Preorder Giveaway!
So I’ve been yapping my face off about this for forever now, but my book comes out May 7th. In fact, I just finished buying my outfit for the book party yesterday. Hint: I am going to break my ankle in leather wedges, and I am now in debt thanks to TopShop jewelry. Is it better quality than Forever 21’s? Probably and definitely not!
Are you coming to my partaaaay?
Anyway, the book comes out on...
April 2013
11 posts
Chest Talk
Trigger warning here!
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I went dress shopping the other day. I went dress shopping the other day and brought my breasts with me. This proved to be a minor issue, and I believe I should have left them at home.
Dress shopping, for me, is a montage of large-breasted issues. 99 Problems and my D-Cup is 97 of those in this particular situation, the other two being my issue with zipping and my...
American Girl Doll Ideas
Daenerys Targaryen
Hooker With A Heart of Gold (would not be 12-years-old) (best for Barbie? Research)
Radical Feminist (comes with zine)
Body Positive Fat Acceptance Rebecca
Body Positive Thin-and-Healthy Morgan
Roller Derby Girl “Lana Del Rat”
Drew Barrymore (kid)
The Ones You Design To Look Like You But Actually Look Like You (covered in marinara?) And Not Just Like Molly
Early 2000’s...
underwaternow asked: what's the best place you've found in nyc to get mac and cheese (or pizza? or burgers? or cupcakes? or all of the above)? places you probably wouldn't hear about as a ~tourist~ would be ideal
seethelighthouse asked: Is it unusual that hetero cis-guys (like me) follow your blog/like your writing? Is that firmly outside your demographic, or right at the edge of it?
Anonymous asked: Are you nervous about the book release? Why/why not?
seekingafriendendofworld asked: Do you not want us to ask you how to achieve a thigh gap because you have the answer and don't want anyone else to know? Because that's just rude.
Question Time
As the book draws near, summer draws closer, and mostly I am just bored, I thought I would open my anon box/ask box for some questions about anything and everything. I’ll try to answer them sporadically and with great fervor, fervor I usually save for googling “nacho cheese recipes”
Questions I would like to receive: things about me that are personal, book process queries,...
Boston MA Blood Donations - Boston Blood Donation... →
Thinking of everybody in my old stomping grounds today. Do what you can to help but stay inside if you have to. Spread information only if it’s from a credible source.
The world is a fucking madhouse, but we all have to hold on and be as good as we can be.
Things I Must Do This Summer
But probably no way in hell is this going to happen
1- Go to a rooftop bar after work and meet up with three of my closest female friends. I will be wearing one of those light shifty dresses with almost no stains, the kind that blows in the breeze and is gently floral. “Annnnn Taylorrrr” the wind will whisper. I will only order one drink and it will be a European beer that smells like grapefruit...
A Real Copy of My Book
Listen—it’s 12am in the fucking evening morning and I just got the final copy of my first book and fuck it I have a book and Rachel Dratch blurbed the cover and all of this was my baby dream and it’s all because of you assholes—the assholes that make me be honest and stupid and furious and feminist and hungry and ready to go. I can’t even tell you enough how much I...
March 2013
3 posts
3 tags
This Is A Trigger Warning
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Here’s what I’d like to see: I could count on many more hands than I have the amount of times I’ve watched a talk show, let’s say it comes on somewhere close to 4pm, let’s call it the Tyra Show, let’s call it “learning lessons about the people you previously judged/knew shit about.” Tyra Smize or Access Hollywood Reporter or Reality...
Things I Have Thought: March, 2013
When exactly is the right time to go ahead and purchase Summer’s Eve, and what is everybody’s “aha moment” like/what does it smell like/oh Jesus am I normal
What the FUCK SPECIFICALLY is SXSW and why is it thirty weeks long
“Okay, if it’s fall back, spring forward,” do I…lose sleep? Is this a bad or good thing, also am I a farmer?
Oh, shit. It’s a bad thing. But hey, it’s light out and I am...
An Update On Some Things
Oh hell, I haven’t been posting on this blog as much as I should lately. Here are some reasons why, what I’ve been up to, and a sincere promise that I’m not going anywhere:
I swear I have an excuse. It has come to my attention, recently, that I want to buy a dog. So I’ve been taking the emotional steps needed to mature—-just enough to want to take it out really...
February 2013
3 posts
1 tag
What am I, Curvy or something?
I’ve been in this body for as long as I can remember, and I still don’t know how to describe it. You cannot see many of my ribs. I am not overweight. I am small-looking but my breasts are large. I have a bakery full of muffin tops. Here’s a go to word: curvy. But am I, really? I’d like to take a moment to examine it, because honestly, it’s been on my mind.
Listen,...
I'm Gonna Make It
When I was 13 years old, I got made fun of a lot, but my first concert was still Destiny’s Child.
Me and my best friend at the time (best friend used loosely, because she had a lot of best friends and I only had like, two) went together, and I believe she got the tickets for my birthday. This is because we REALLY liked pop music, and we really liked listening to it...
January 2013
7 posts
Products I Use So I Don't Look Like A Dog
I’ve gotten some questions lately about my favorite beauty products by readers of the blog and also people admiring my beauty on the streets (one of those is a lie). I’m glad you asked because it proves to me you, too, waste hours of your life watching beauty gurus on YouTube. My favorite is this girl I want to make shut up but also kind of want to shop at Forever21 with. Anyway, the...
Dear Penny:
I got a sad letter today. All I will post is my answer:
Dear Penny:
Last night, you asked me why things matter, and frankly, I’ve been thinking about it for a while. I thought about it all day, and also I think I’ve been contemplating it for years.
Jesus Christ, I’ve been in some holes. I have laid down on the floors of showers and have held that coughy-sob in my throat...
Frenemy Housekeeping!
Sup y’all—
Ever since the “HOLIDAY SEASON” ended and 2013 began, it’s been a big-ass-popcorn-ball of good and bad things for your sassy writerfriend here. The good is that “Don’t Worry, It Gets Worse” comes out May 28th, and my nail polish collection has grown considerably, and my roommate got us a Roku so we can watch Netflix together, and my bf...
Honestly, All I Do
There are very many parts of me that believe everything will be okay:
All of them are laying on a futon that smells almost faintly of too many people; a body made of a single index finger typing on a keyboard, a hand weighed down by a stationary chest, a stomach and a brain and a heart of varying importance, depending on the day.
Today I will google how to make spinach empanadas and what...
Things I Have Considered Doing To Have More Money
get hit in the leg by a taxi cab or mail truck
stop drinking
stop ordering craft beer at every bar
put a donate button on my blog in case one of my followers is a secret millionaire who likes to help girls who are kind of broke by their own accord
but I’m not an asshole
at least I never considered Kickstarter
start an Ancestry.com account in case I have a really rich, dying eccentric...
Today Fucking Sucks
Today really fucking sucks.
And I know that I’m not supposed to think these things because I have a roof over my head, and I have my whole face and oh my GOD, I turn on the news and I cannot believe how stupid and awful people are, but today is still the worst. I mean, it’s not BAMBI hearing his mother get shot bad, it’s more like “I am Rachel McAdams and I got into a car...
Things I Have Already Learned In 2013
and therefore have almost nothing to learn for the rest of the year
when getting your New Years makeup on, the eight kinds of brown/taupe/copper/a kind of brown called virgin/another kind of brown called slut/shimmery eye makeup you layer in and around the general creases just end up looking like. fucking. brown.
<——brown, you vain fucking LOSER (my macbook selfie, bitchezzzz)
if...
December 2012
5 posts
Anything Could Happen
It is almost a New Year and people will tell you that this is a big deal.
“You gotta party on New Years,” they will say, or “you gotta ring in the new year,” or the dreaded “we gotta go hard”, and all they mean is a couple of things. Party—crowded room decorated in silver streamers. Sparkly dress that itches. Short skirt. Drinks with no coasters. A kiss,...
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(I deleted that last post because no, I really don’t want to argue with you on Tumblr about politics and in the words of Louis CK “give it a SECOND”)
Things I Think *Girls Like
*and also keep in mind that this is tongue-in-cheek joke and being a girl means many things and you can have a dick or be asexual or play videogames *kisses N64 controller gently* or disagree with all of this or be a fucking CHIA PET and still be a girl, okay?
the day Pumpkin Spice comes out at Starbucks we kind of go buckwild, don’t we?
splitting a very rich, very cheesy dish with a...
My Sadness Was Never Profound
Somewhere along the way, I thought my sadness meant something.
It would happen whenever I rode above ground on the J train from Manhattan into Brooklyn—something about seeing the tiny lights with all the people I didn’t know inside them, something about knowing how cold it would be once I stepped outside. It GOT to me, man! It would happen again whenever my lips would stain red from...
A Tumblr Questionare I Would Consider Answering
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A. If you could legally punch somebody in the throat ONCE, would you do it because you were watching a TV show and this person did that light but constant coughy thing the entire time? Walking slow in front of you? Or for some other reason?
B. What is your favorite piece of clothing in your closet and if your blood got you drunk would you sometimes drink it?
C. Would you rather go to a...
November 2012
11 posts
Things I Will Certainly Do This Holiday Season
roll my eyes at every stupid commercial where some jackwad puts a giant bow on a goddamn car for her stupid asshole sweater-wearing husband
decide I want hot chocolate, make hot chocolate, spike it with Bailey’s and whiskey, realize it is cold and gross and I probably just want regular hot chocolate and to be drunk already
buy a Peppermint Mocha but pumpkin spice is better
listen to the...
Here's How You Can Get My Book On Preorder →
You can now get the ole book on Amazon.com, which is absurdly exciting to me. If you want to preorder, do so. Send me a message if you get at it now and I will thank you personally with a reason why I like you. Actually, I love you. And since I’m not allowed to put an excerpt on the Internet just yet, I give you the now cut beginning of the chapter I wrote when I wasn’t a +1 broad:...
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Thankful Thankful 2012
Last night, I ate mashed potatoes smack dab between two of my favorite people in the world and sat at a table with some of the best New Yorkers I know and now I have to drink a red wine spritzer and shut up with the complaining and start being nice. I’ve written a Thanksgiving post every year I’ve had the blog because I’m a smartass who gets all riled up when something slightly...
A Lesson in Adulthood Via Birth Control
A couple of people asked me about the best form of birth control to prevent pregnancy. I am NOT a doctor and I’ve seen doctor shows on ABC and I guess all you do is recite body parts, cut people, and sleep with your boss and I’m not good at any of those. So I am definitely no DR. Yet as a 24-year-old pretty “up to date” with sex, I thought I’d know more about...
Anonymous asked: What's a polite way of suggesting to your girlfriend that you'd like her to shave or trim down there? I'm fine with going au natural, but it'd be easier to go down on her if there were a little less hair.
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Question: Dirty Talk? How?
I used to think dirty talk was really creepy and lecherous and weird, like stuff that maybe Wilson from Home Improvement was mumbling because you couldn’t see his mouth—“I’d like to lick your eyes, Jonathan Taylor Thomas.” I used to think that when dirty talking, you also had to use words like “naughty princess” and “ramming.” I thought you HAD...
Sex, Part One
There are four things I know for sure when it comes to sex—it’s really great, it smells weird, it better be fucking consensual, and everybody is thinking about it mostly all the time. Except for asexuals. And me whenever I see grilled cheese being slowly pulled apart. Oh no that’s when I think about it the most.
I always feel weird when I talk publicly about sex and having it...
Sex Talk
For no reason other than me not wanting to clean my room tonight, and also because I had this awesome brunch at Talde today (that included pretzel dumplings and cheesy fried rice and a realllll beefcake stud of a brunch companion), I’ve really got a lot of the sex on my mind. You know sex. The jelly-filled snack of late night yore. The gooey plastic bag of ghostly moans. The “well,...
This election, vote Ovaries before Brovaries.
